I am just curious, did anyone else here have a really tough time with their husband/wife the first couple of years, because boy, I sure am! My husband and I had a baby a yr ago and it has gotten really hard lately. Tonite for example he just took off and took out $150.00 out of our account and went to a casino without saying a word to me, then he calls me about an hour ago and says "please don't divorce me, I just blew $150.00" Like that's supposed to make up for it. I am so good to him, I would never even think about doing something like that, I have never ever even lied to him, and I consider myself to be a pretty good wife. There has been many other times where he has done similar things like this...Should I have to put up with this? I mean, I believe in making a marriage work, but I am getting to the point where I am beginning to not give a !@#$ anymore!

jduke44

I think that was pretty inconsiderate of him to do this. I know I wouldn't think of doin gthat without talking to my wife first. One of the reasons is bc we couldn't afford it and have 2 kids. How long have you been married? Have you sat down and talked to him about this and other things that are bothering you? Communication is the key. We try to talk abotu everything. We even started before we got married.

Oh yeah, to answer your question, yes it is hard n the beginning. It is also hard in the middle and end. Marriage is work but it is good work. You need to constantly communicate and not take each other for grnaite. Compromise is another good attribute in a marriage.

BTW, your little boy is cute. Did he eat the whole cake?

Fr_Chuck

actually normally the first few years are suppose to be the best, now the time after a baby gets hard as people are learning thier new roles as parents and they discover it is no longer just the two of them.

and no real men don't take money out of the bank and go gambling, without asking the other people, he is still acting like a boy or even worst someone who is adicted to gambling.

First if he goes gambling alot, He most likely has a addiction and needs to get couseling. OF course most people with problems won't admit it, and you will have to keep the money from him so he can't go out and waste it.

Next neither of you just takes off without telling thier partner where they are going, that is not only rude but just not showing any concern on the other person.

If you two are going to make this work you both have to talk to each other, if you can't do it on your own, you have to get couseling.

Next there has to be a budget set up for the money and you both agree to live with it.

Cgirl

but I have talked to him, I always tell him how it makes me feel when he does things behind my back, I communicate with him but he doesnt with me...that's the problem I guess. He doesn't go gambling very often...maybe a couple of times a year, but it's the fact that he will act like he doesn't have responsibilities at home, like raising our son or being here for us. I mean he is here most of the time but it's like things will be good for a while and then he will do something like this. It is almost like he is rebelling against being a responsible husband and father. He is a very good father to Brennan, but we need to be his priority, and I can tell him this until I am blue in the face, and he will say he will change, but he never does. We probably do need counseling, I mean we have been married only for almost 2 yr's but we have been together for 5 and it seems like it has gotten a lot harder lately. He is a product of divorce, and I do not want to repeat the cycle, especially because of our son. I lost my mom at 12 and I want to be the best mommy to him I can be, and the thought of going through a divorce kills me. I just can't take the dishonesty anymore! Thanks for your thoughts though, I am sure we do need counseling.

jduke44

I am not taking his side whatsoever, but maybe there are things that are going on that he doesn't know how to deal with. Again, not making excuses for him but he could be carrying excess baggage from his divorce. You never know what is behind someone's behavior. These things definitely need to be dealt with early. I would take FR Chuck's advice and see if he would go to counseling. You don't want your 1 yr old to suffer from this.

I do know sometimes when I get overwhelmed with things and I start yelling at the kids for things and sometimes stupid things, my wife has to take mae aside and ask me what is wrong. She calls me on it, and I have to decide how I am going to make it right. I hope things work out.

Oh yeah, one other thing I learned through a marriage conference I went to, never talk about divorce even if you think it could lead to it.

Cgirl

no, when I said he is a product of divorce, I meant his parents had a divorce, this is both of our's first marriage. Both of us had really rough childhoods, and we don't want to repeat the cycle with our child. We want him to have stable life and a good life. Stability is so important in a family. Without it, one ends up all messed up in the head...like my husband when it comes to his dad. you see, his dad is a drug ad****, alcoholic looser who we talk to about once a yr...if that and I just think my husband has a poor self-esteem because of his life, and so he is very influenced by other people. I try to call him on his mistakes but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. but I believe in making a marriage work, and we will get through this. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

fredg

Hi,
My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs. We went to a Marriage Counselor for help first, but just too much in the way of both of us being happy with the marriage.
You both do need to go to a Counselor, and talk about this together. It's not bothering him (2 times a year), but obviously, it is bothering you.
Marriage is a compromise between two people. I've been married 29 yrs now to a wonderful woman, and "compromise" is the key.
You say "does things behind my back". Are you referring only to the 2 times a year? Are there things he does quite often "behind your back"?
A Counselor can help you sort out this, but only if the both of you attend together.
I do wish you the best.

Cgirl

Well happy st. patty's day to you all and thanks for the advice!!!!

kp2171

I'm happily married, 6 years on St Patty's. And I think my wife is too. =)

But.. yeah, I think the first year or two can be tough, and I think the first year or two after a child is born is tough as well.

Not to generalize too much, but in my experience, women are more likely to seek help when needed. I saw this in teaching. 90% of the students who came for help were female. When things get nuts I internalize. I expect myself to be strong enough to fix whatever it is. Telling words, "strong" and "fix", I imagine.

My point is, yes, therapy is good advice. If he's resistant, well, what about self help. My wife and I went through a phase when we were not on the same track about money. We went to the library, found a few books that were interesting, and agreed to read them and then talk about them. It got things moving to the right place.

I'm not saying its going to be any easier to get him to read about relationships... but its another option.

At the bare minimun make some lists. Great if he's willing to as well. We once wrote out a list of things that frustrated us in the relationship. Look at the list and decide what things are most important, and what you think needs to happen to make a change.

We had a money blowout once early on. So we restructured our bank account to have a separate acct for "bill money"... mortgage, utilities, fixed expenses... and another acct for "variable, disposable income"... food, gas, fun, clothes, etc. We also talk about our 2 week budget, well, every 2 weeks. If one of us, or both, stray, we know at least the money in the bill account isnt gone or messed with. It helped a lot. Just an example... there was a problem, we were able to find an amicable answer.

I went off the deep end about 9 months to 1 year after my son was born. I needed more time with my wife, without the kid. Well, we now schedule date nights regularly. We'd occasionally go out before, but not like this. Now we try once a week to have at least half a day to do something together without the boy. Might be lunch, might be the park, might be stay in bed. But its easy to get caught up in the chaos of being a parent. You forget to be with each other.

I don't know what the other events were... the things like this that he's done before... so I can't see if there's something there to notice.

I guess you really need to think about the things that are important and try to calmly communicate them to him, and make him help you come up with some answers. If he's unwilling to do that, then that's bad news.

The good news is, yes, in my experience the first few years were the most up and down. Took some time and work together to get things running smoothly most of the time.

Best regards.

rkim291968

To many, the first year is the best of the married life. But for others, the first 1 - 2 years could be tough. I've seen many marriages around me which didn't survive the first few years. Once you get over the first few years, you may get into a routine, settled down, and marriage can be worthwhile.

Personally, my hardest years were years 6 & 7 when my wife and I had lot of dispute on how to raise our only child. Divorce was a real option. Once past that, we have been happily married. We are now on our 19th year.

Hang in there and try to make the best out of it.