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I'm an insecure person. I've identified that problem and am getting help through my pastor even as we speak. So here goes. My wife has been away for quite some time (4 months, job related). Her job does require that she spends a lot of time with males. I can accept that. I did something that I'm really a little ashamed of. She shared her myspace account password with me, so I could get her pictures she posts while she's gone. Even though it started as a means to keep in touch and see how she's doing, I ended up treating it as a spy mission, and I found some messages between her and another guy that had definate sexual connotations. I snapped! I sent her a scathing e-mail, and responded to the guy, then I deleted the messages, and blocked his USERID. I know I was wrong to be spying on her, and after all, if she shared her password, how could she possibly be trying to hide anything. After I confronted her with my e-mail, she turned it back on me. She was furious that I would do that. She insists that they were just joking around.
I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me too. We have had some issues in the past (14 years ago), and had counseling then. Oh, we've been married 17 years.
I really feel like a jerk for spying on her, but at the same time, I feel like she crossed the line of what I can tolerate with some of her comments she made to the other man. I wonder what her reaction would be if she inadvertently intercepted any messages like that from me to another woman.
I've been very controlling in her life, and I've actually asked her not to continue maintaining friendships with guys that I had any suspicions of wanting more than friendship.
I know I need to loosen the reins, so to speak, and not be so controlling but is there a limit? Can I at least draw some distinct lines that she cannot cross? Or is that too controlling?
Also, who made you the one in charge, the one who draws lines for his wife? Isn't marriage a cooperation and a compromise? It doesn't sound like you are cooperating or compromising.
What happened to you earlier in life that you are so lacking in trust now?
The thing is this. I don't have a problem with complying with her demands. To me, that's part of marriage. Should I be ok with her talking sexually with other guys via e-mail? What if she asks me if she can spend the weekend with some of her new guy friends on a ski trip this winter? Should I be ok with that?
Tis tis tis......spying on your wife....you shouldn't feel the need to do that. If you do feel the need to do that, then like you have stated - you have insecurities that need to be addressed, BUT - you also need to find out where these insecurities have stemmed from.
Have you and your wife had faithfullness issues in the past? Has she ever given you any reason not to trust her? If she has - it is obvious you have not forgiven her for them....you may need to work on this issue with your pastor also?
Perhaps as a suggestion, you should find something that you and your wife can do together - this ski trip that you mentioned - why can't you call go together and maybe you will find that these male friends are simply that - friends - you might even enjoy their company?
Well, the ski trip was completely hypothetical. I brought that up, because I just started at a new job, and I don't have much vacation saved up yet. There was talk that when she got back she might go visit some of her new found friends whether I could go or not. Listen, this sounds like I'm trying to villify her, and that's not the case.
I did talk to my pastor about our past, and how I don't think I reacted appropriately to our faithfulness issues from the past. Actually, I didn't react at all. I tried to go on like everything was ok. Big mistake, huh?
My wife and I do communicate very well for the most part. We've been in constant dialog since the incident. I have no doubt that we're going to work through this. And we have talked about a 17 year honeymoon sometime after she gets back.
Do you think I over-reacted to the messages? Do you think there should be certain boundaries set that neither of us should cross?
You have a problem, your married so that makes it her problem too. What you did was awful, it may have embarrassed her to her colleagues or in her work place. Working with other people sometimes calls for us to say and do things we would not normally do - like joking around. In my book if you go looking for trouble there is a very good chance that you are going to find it. The mature thing to do now is to apologise to your wife for being stupid.
As for the ski trip, if it is work related it is her business. The insecurities are yours to deal with. And without any real hard proof that something is going on, I think you need to but out or you are going to drive her away.
Boundaries? Yes there should be boundaries even within the best marriages. And spying on each other is a definite no-no. Boundaries should be put forward and agreed upon, not just assumed.
I have an opinion on the matter. There is a line. When in a marriage both have to be secure in the for the other. If that security is breached, it has to be discussed till both reach closure. A wife flirting or a husband is flirting and flirting is flirting. What is flirting, showing interest in someone... that interest can become something else. I have ... well, I wont go there. A wife that is unsatisfied will find satisfaction in other ways. Talk to her, open the communication barrier that you both have.
Ok. After seeing the completely ignorant answers I will be as blunt as I can.
I used to be single and in the Navy. I have had many many "relations" with women that were married. The problem with the women is that they are insecure about thier love for thier husband. Get off you @$$ and show you give a damn. All you others saying stuff about... awww... you insecure fool or whatever.... dude... ask her if she wants to take a damn ski trip you with you or take a vacation with you and turn that spark into a damn lightning bolt. Women need excitement... give it to her and make her feel secure about what she has chosen to do.... talking about when she said, "I do." Peace I'm out
Can I give a different opinion here? I am a woman. I work in a profession that has a good split of men and women, but my particular field is almost exclusively male dominated. I get hit on at least once a week, sometimes more often. Why, just today, a construction worker used me as an example of what a woman looks like before she has kids. I told him my husband thinks I'm a good looking mother of his children, and get back to work. I've been married almost 16 years, but there are rules:
1) Don't flirt with co-workers. If you flirt with a man, he thinks you want to sleep with him. Period. A married woman shouldn't flirt with other men. And by flirt, I mean sexual innuendo kind of flirting, not "nice haircut, Bob" flirting. All men think like this, don't lie, guys!
2) All spouses spy on each other at some time or another. Don't do anything you wouldn't feel comfortable having your spouse "accidentally" witness. I don't view your spying as that evil. You miss your wife, feel a little insecure, and you were seeking validation in the hopes you wouldn't find anything. Instead, you found something you hoped wasn't there.
3) I am too old for a myspace account, so she is too old for a myspace account. She shouldn't have given you the password if she was having a tete a tete via e-mail with someone else. What did she expect, that you wouldn't get upset? You are human afterall.
4) If she travels for work four months at a time, you can't be THAT controlling....
5) I think either spouse has the right to ask the other spouse to cease a friendship with an overly amourous "friend." The marriage is more important than any friendship she has with a coworker who wants to sleep with her. You are a man, you know men, you know when another man wants to sleep with her. If he is talking to her about anything even slightly flirty, he wants to sleep with her, or at the very least, it has crossed his mind. She should be understanding in this regard.
6) Now, drop the whole issue and talk about that honeymoon. If she spends all her time thinking about you and flirting with you and YOU FLIRT like a flirting fool with her, then the whole thing will blow over. She'll be too busy thinking about you to think about anyone else. I flirt like a schoolgirl with my husband every day.
7) Boundaries are a good thing. Here's a good rule that I keep hearing. "Don't do anything that you know would upset your spouse if s/he knew you were doing it." That means no sexually charged flirting. Oh, and no more spying for a while either.
Goldie... I'm a man... so I speak like I talk. BINGO BANGO... exactly what I was trying to say. Kudos. Yeah... so right. I wish I would have married someone like goldie... haha
She shouldn't have given you the password if she was having a tete a tete via e-mail with someone else. What did she expect, that you wouldn't get upset? You are human afterall.
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