I am a guy from bestha which is a lower catse in India. I am in love with a reddy girl.We are both well educated and very much in love. I am well off financially too. She was raised by a single mother who took a lot of pain to raise her. I have tried to talk to her mother but the only point of conflict was caste. She is an old fashioned person and does not want to compromise on this issue. My girlfriend does not want to marry without her mothers consent . I know she loves me a lot but at the same time she does not want to hurt her mother. She would choose her mother against me and I understand that completely. All she says is if I can convince her mother she is ready to marry me or have her mothers way.. I feel helpless . This is one issue for which I see no solution for a long time. Could someone please suggest me as to what I should do.

OK, is she in lower caste than you? If so I would think her mother would be happy to have her daughter marry "up". Also, if this woman truly loves you and wants to be with you, she would not care what her mother thought. She needs to find out where her priorities are.

Maybe you can convince her mother by writing her a letter. Sometimes it is hard to express what you truly want to say in words, so sit down, write a letter about how much you care for her daughter, how well you will treat her, and how much you want the BOTH of them in your future. Maybe that will work.

If you have plans to stay in India then maybe you can let her mother come visit often to see hwo well you are taking care of her and your children (if you will have any or already do). Her mother is of a different time and age, she has different beliefs than the youth of India today, therefore she much be approached and spoken to in a different way.

It's not only YOU trying to convince her mother, your girlfriend should also want to put in equal effort in this.

Nowadays, caste, dowry etc are slowly going away from India as girls are being higher educated, well paid, enough to lead a good lifestyle with 2 incomes only without any family money. This has also raised bar for the grooms, parents of girls want an equally well educated boy earning that kind of pay for their daughter, rather than someone of same caste but less educated.

What a mother wants is her daughter to be happy and well cared for more than anything else. Her mother maybe denying because of "what people will say". If both you and your girlfriend can convince her mother that you are the best match for her, you are really loving and caring, than that will be helpful.

Also since she's a single mother, and if your girlfriend does not have any other siblings, you both may be the one caring for her mother during sickness and old age. At that point, it is very important that the girl have an undertanding husband to give that kind of support to her family. You both may put these points in front of her mother.

Hi,I have the same problem. I am the girl trying to convince my mother for my marriage with other caste boy. She is so very much concerned about the caste that she says even a monkey is better to marry from the same caste than marrying other caste person. I love her so much and don't want to give her any pain but she do not understand the fact that I will be happy with the guy I chose and the guy who loves me more than any other boy ever. I have 4 choices in front of me. More than anything else she is worried about her social status among the relatives. She cares very much about her respect. My father is OK to this marriage, but since my mom has seen my father's sisters marrying intercaste persons and been struggling their life, and we were like feeling bitter and awkward because of this in front of my mom's relatives, she is now disappointed and depressed with my love.
She is not kind of suryakantham but she is like savithri whoever meets her becomes her fan because of her atience, respecting others, caring others, worshipping god. These r the ony things she takes care of. She was my firs teacher just bcoz of my parents I'm now in such a good position. When I came here I miss her a ot and rgret for being so careless and helpless to her when I was with her. I never used to do any household work, nor made her happy doing very small things she asked for(like she loves shopping with me for my dresses, loves to spend time with me at least in festivals and holis but I al;ways let her down I never used to shop with her as I basically hate waiting for buses going there and sopping being the laziest girl ever and always with my friends even on holidays and festivals lying to her) so now since I understand her and know her value, I wanted to make her happy in every single thing, want to make her sit and eat with my cooking, but now that she is no more feeling happy for giving me birth, for the deed I have done. She says I don't understand the intercaste marriage, I cannot cope up with them, its not possible and that later I will be happy for listening to her and for the good life. But she was totally wrong, I can have good life only with this person.

so I have 4 options.
1. Marrying the guy my mother shows and ending my life that night itself(provided it to prove a normal death not a suicide) To not let anybody know I suicided and that I have selected other caste boy.

2. Lead single all my life. No marriage. This will also not put her down under the eyes of our relatives but still they might put us down for doing this,

3. Just marry the guy I like after convincing her(Nearly impossible)

4. Marrying the man without others concern(Totally Impossible)

Yes, here in the US and a lot of Europe people can not fully understand the issues you are speaking of, consent of a parent is not even considered often here.

Beyond some "gift" to mother to express your feelings to bind a marriage agreement I am not sure there is a way. I am not sure if seeking the use of a religious leader to help medicate this could help

You are lucky to have such a great mom who loves to spend time with you. You are a great person too, who cares a lot about your mom and father.

By all means, option 1 is not something a brave individual such as you could do.

Rather than accepting what your mother chooses for you and dying the very first day after marriage, you could make several attempts to convince your mom. In fact, you can translate into telugu the passage that you wrote (using emotions and more intimate language) and give it your mom to read. She would be dismayed about how you think you can leave her alone by killing yourself. In all circumstances, she would leave the option to you after reading the letter.

It will be good idea to marry your loved one without waiting much longer, as that step would close the matter and leaves no impression in your mom's mind that you are available for marriage. Lead a happy life, make advancements, have children, go places, take pictures, eat good food, be loyal and stay healthy, all of which will be a consolation for her.

All the best. Don't end your life. We want you to be here after your first day of marriage (and with a biggest smile on your face)

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"even a monkey is better to marry from the same caste than marrying other caste person. " I would like to ask your mom - Can a monkey say "I love you", make you feel the most special person in the world, care for you when you are sick, be there for you when you are feeling down, rejoice with you when you are happy? No, the most a monkey can do is it can dance to your tunes only if you train it. And btw, what kind of babies will one produce if you cross a human girl with a male monkey??? Perhaps an organism for the genetic engineers.

"but since my mom has seen my father's sisters marrying intercaste persons and been struggling their life, and we were like feeling bitter and awkward because of this infront of my mom's relatives" - are your mom's relatives Gods? Or the guardians of soceity? I can understand your mom but how can YOU feel the same as her, being in today's world. Your father sisters made their choices and as long as they are happy with their husbands, how does it matter? And even if they are not, it's their life, they have to deal with it. Are you still living in the cave men era?

It's a shame that when the world is progressing as such fast pace, we are still tied to the age old caste system.

Life is all about making the right choices. And remember, you can never ever make all the perons in your life happy at the same time. If the boy you love is really worthy of you, by all means marry him. You have your father's support which is a real great thing. Your mom will come to her senses.

Hi
Thanks very much for taking the trouble of answering my question. But I wanted to tell you one thing. No matter what! NOBODY IN THIS WHOLE WORLD CAN LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER. And besides that I am very grateful to her for giving me such a good life. And I can see her dreams of doing my marriage and having grandchildren. She always dreamt of this. Sometimes, when my married friends come home to see me, my mom turns so emotional that she fells into tears that I am not obeying her. That time I used to hate marriage itself :D.

Well caste is something that has meaning in our life cycles according to the beliefs and customs. As we beileve in GOD, and something's after life(proved to be true), I agree for that with my mom but I just can't help it now.

When I wanted to see her and make her happy, the only thing she gets happier is my marriage with our caste person. Well I told her that this is the proposal and that guy is so sweet and will look after me all my life. He loves me like my mother, take care of me like my father, scolds me as my brother, treats me as a friend, praises me as a lover, takes responsibility as a husband, behaves like my child, doesn't let a tear out of my eyes.

To be honest, he is well settled, handsome, nice young dynamic intelligent rich guy and I am an average girl in beauty, rich, intelligence, and everything else. If this thing happened that he loves me its just a PURE luck gifted by GOD. Also we are not a newly formed pair who is attracted towards each other and think they cannot live without each other but we are together since many years and I feel my bond with him like our parents or any elderly couple who were bonded 50 years back... hhmm I don't know how to explain, he is me LITERALLY my soul. So there is no option that I can marry or even think of marriage with other person,

On the other hand, when I think of my mom's perspective, she is right, even if I were her I will say the same thing and think the same way. Its her liberty that brought me close to this person. TO be honest, if she were nt nice I would nt have made till here. She also specifies that she gave me so much of freedom and always thought of making my dreams come true and now she is asking for this thing and I am in no way showing my loyal to her.

I am feeling very bitter to what I am doing to my mother but not what I am doing to myself. I am so much happy and so much sad at the same time. To be honest, I always known her dreams of my marriage and children but unknowingly I am gifted with a boy of my dreams. Sometimes I feel that she would have done my marriage earlier itself before I could think of something so that she doesn't have to go through this rude path and take the pains but at the same time I also feel that my life would have wasted if I were married earlier with some other guy. I know people love their wives but not as my boy. He is a unique person and the only person who can love this way even after so many years.

Well I don't know what to do. I keep thinking all these stuff and arrive at no point by the end of the day

The main point is I cannot blame my mother for being so accustomed as I know it beforehand that she is a very orthodox and I cannot even think of blaming my luck as none in this world would love to lose their luck or blaming it for coming to them.


The only thing I am thinking is I will go back to my mom as she has been waiting for my arrival since an year. I am such a worst daughter in the whole world. So I will go back see her, will try to convince her once again and if she still says no I will remain single for ever. But to be frank she doesn't know I love him she just knows I wanted him to be married to and that's it.
I will tell her I will nt marry anyone and remain single. If she gets an idea that offering me the one I like may change my mind, she will ask me to marry the guy I like(by god's grace)

I am hoping for the best and going back to india.

Thanks for reading anyway