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I'm married to my childrens mother...
Asked Aug 10, 2012, 08:54 AM
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35 Answers Let me start off by saying that I am so grateful that this site exists. I stumbled upon it the other day searching for answers about my wife rather spending all her time and energy on the kids and pretty much ignoring my wants and needs entirely. This really hit home the other night. My wife has been out of town on a conference trip with some ladies from her office for the last week. In the mean time, my mother in-law had volunteered to keep our kids to help me out while I worked all week. Anyway, my wife's flight came in the other night and I met her at the airport to drive her home. It was late so I expected she would pick up the kids from her mom's the next day since she had the day off but to my surprise, she told me she was going to drive another 40 mins to her moms and spend the night with the kids. She said she was on her period so we couldn't have sex anyway (she doesn't like to have sex while on her period). This hurt, we had a perfect opportunity to have a night alone for us time and she choose to leave me at home and go to her moms. I was fine with not having sex, I just wanted some us time. I worked the next day so staying over at her parent's wasn't an option for me since it would add another 40 mins onto my drive time of an hour that I already drive to get to work. We seriously don't get Us time at all or it's very rare if we do. Date nights are rare due to my daughter (step) not liking me and refusing to watch her siblings so we can go out. We don't get time alone even after we both get home. We both get home about the same time so it's either I cooking supper and her taking care of the kids or vise verse. After supper there's baths to be given (we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter). By that time it's 8p and I'm fighting with my youngest daughter to get her to lay down for bed time. Most often than not, I struggle until 10 or so and by that time my wife is already asleep and I'm just drained physically and emotionally that's if I don't just give up after an hour of struggling and lay her down in our bed so she goes to sleep. Even if I get her to fall asleep in her own bed she ends up in ours by the end of the night. My wife is no help when it comes to getting the kids to bed and it's just frustrating. We haven't had sex in probably 3 months because of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I want a marriage, not a partnership. We've done the counseling thing and things did improve for awhile. Venting over, what am I suppose to do? I don't know anymore, I am having serious doubts about even wanting to be married to the woman I fell in love with 10 years ago or rather, I want to be married to the woman I fell in love with, not my kids' mother. |
35 Answers
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Marriage is always a partnership. No matter what else goes on you are always partners and have to work together. Nothing is going to get better until the two of you begin to communicate without resentment or blame getting in the way. Tell your wife that you are no longer going to be used as a goad to get the children to do anything. You will support her when she disciplines them and you will discipline them when you see them doing something wrong and you will consult with her over major discipline needs. Rebuild your relationship with your oldest daughter. Yes, she is rebelling. Guess what, teens do that. So do children who feel like they aren't wanted. Holding back from caring about her is even more damaging than hitting her. She is acting out because she is lost. She knows you aren't her biological father. She knows she is different from the other two. She knows you have a blood bond with them that she cannot have with you. She is questioning her identity and place. She is questioning why the men who are supposed to love her don't seem to. If they can't, who will? She is lost confused and striking out. What are you doing? Are you standing strong like a lighthouse or turning your back on her? Get back into counseling. Find a new counselor if needed. If your wife won't go, go alone. Think about family counseling and ask your oldest to join you. Your wife's reaction to that may tell you more about your marriage than anything else. Good luck. | ||||
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Communication could probably use some improvement I’d agree but I am puzzled how I have resentment or blame issues? I don’t resent the time that my wife or I spend with our kids. I cherish my children, all of them. Quote:
Counseling for the current issue I posted in this thread about is always a possibility. In regards to family counseling with our daughter, won’t happen. We tried that last year and she outright refused (daughter). When my wife tried to take her in by herself, she refused to move from the waiting room and would not talk to the therapist. I would be more than happy to revisit the possibility because I do want a “normal” relationship with my daughter but again, different issue. | ||||
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| Dear DsprtCfsd, I sympathize with you. That must have really hurt when you finally had alone time with your wife and she left to go to her mom's. I realize there is a lot going on here and counseling I am sure would definitely be good. BUT I do want to encourage you and tell you that things can be hard when kids are little, and teenagers are not happy (sometimes hormonal). Parents can get so caught up with the needs of the kids that they forget to take time for each other. It can be really rough when kids are little and both parents work. Hang in there, you will get through this. My husband and I have 6 kids and have been married for 31 years. I memorably remember one night when my husband and I climbed into bed and somehow in the bed were cracker crumbs. As we both laid there exhausted we were both too tired to get up and just slept on the crumbs (we aren't messy people, or the kind of people wo would normally do that). The thing is, is that is a fond memory now that we laugh over. When we went through it, it was not funny, we felt like chaotic crazies :-) BUT, kids grow up and life moves on. Hang in there. The woman you love is STILL in there, probably feeling a little like you also. I am sure counseling would be good too. Be encouraged.........your kids will grow up and one day you will look back on some of this time with fond memories ;-) | ||||
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The resentment I was referring to was being cast in the role of 'enforcer' and your wife 'blaming' you for not doing enough to get your oldest daughter to love you. Quite frankly, I think your wife's attitude is a bigger issue than you may realize. Actually, I think that while you may need to look at things from a different perspective, you do sound like a caring person who is just as lost as the teen. I don't know what else is going on, but I think your wife may not be as involved in the partnership/marriage as you are. I get glimpses of someone who is creating drama or using the children as a shield/buffer to keep you at arms reach. If you think about it, is that what is happening? One other thing, why does the teen have to be the one to babysit her siblings? Why not ask a grandparent, family friend, or someone else to watch the children while you go out together? | ||||
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| Thank you Maddy, I seriously appreciate the encouragement. Quote:
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The options are there as are the opportunities at times but there’s lack of follow through I guess you would say. Like the other night, would have been a perfect opportunity to just (ok so I’m kind of a sensitive guy) hold each other in bed and talk about how her trip went and the fun things they got to do outside of the conference. I just need to take control more I guess and get plans made and set them in stone to have nights out together. Sounds a little controlling, especially for an introvert but what else can I do? | ||||
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I see a ton of problems here, all based on a total lack of communication. As far as your sex life - have you talked to your wife? Have you had the "I need more sex" conversation? As far as your 2-1/2 year old is concerned, if she's running the show now, wait until she's older. I don't know what the "counseling thing" involved, how many times you went, who went. If it worked once, try it again. Your stepdaughter doesn't like you so she won't babysit with her half-siblings (or siblings)? Again, who is running the show? I'd hire an 18 year old babysitter to watch her AND her siblings. I think that would pretty much end that discussion. I would seem to me that if your wife wanted to spend time, have time with you she would make an effort which she is not making. I don't know why that is. Have you asked her? Personally I would have driven to her Mom's the night she few home and driven the extra 40 minutes in the morning. That's just my choice. Maybe there's a reason it didn't work for you. I'll go back to the lack of communication - you went to the Airport thinking you would have the night alone and she flew in intending to go to her mother's? It seems that you either don't talk to each other and don't hear each other. I don't know which one it is. I think there are resentments on both sides. You may or may not know what they are. She may or may not know. You BOTH need to work on this relationship or you BOTH need to end it. Life is too short. EDIT: I think Cat1864 hit this right on the head - I see a lot of anger on your part. Why was it necessary to mention the stepdaughter's incarcerated father? He's out of her life. It sounds like she may have heard exactly this. The stepdaughter is a problem in your life; your mother-in-law is a problem; the 2-1/2 year old is a problem; CPS got called in; you got physical with a stepchild. I'm changing my advice. Go to counselling by yourself, for yourself. I can read the anger in your thread. You need to explore the source of that. | ||||
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What? Did you not post this: "Anyway, I’ve never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling because of how I was forced into the enforcer position as well as being well aware of the accusations that could be brought upon just by a child saying that a stepfather did something inappropriate. Have I ever, HELL no and would never but in this day and age a father figure can’t be too careful so of course I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems." His wife somehow forced him to spank his stepdaughter to the point that CPS was called? It can't be both ways. (And I'm a stepmother times 5 PLUS a stepgrandmother times 4. I know all about stepchild, stepgrandmother issues and family dynamics.) When everything (lack of sex, lack of communication, lack of time together, one partner avoiding the other, one partner avoiding sexual and emotional contact) is blamed on everyone else - I have to wonder. And, yes, my minor was Psychology. | ||||
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