I beleive in soulmates, i'm a spiritual person. I beleive that everything happens for a reason. And with this one, i cannot figure it out. usually i can, i'm good at this kind of stuff...but this one baffles me. Ok, my husband met this guy through work and became good friends with him. THis guy then was no big deal. About eight months later, this guy shows up at our house-not a big deal. He starts spending time around here...and I thought nothing of it. So then he got screwed around by his landlord and now he's staying with us until he can get another place. MY husband went away to visit relatives for a week. The whole week he was gone me and this guy were inseperable...and it changed my life. Before this week, i was goin thru some serious depression issues, my life was full of negativity...but being around him made me feel alive somehow and i remembered what happiness is. He's exhilerating, and the way he looks at me is like he sees my soul. We love the same music, movies, and when he talks its like he's speaking to my heart. He stares at me, smiles at me..and teases me constantly about my eyes"dont look at me like that.."in a flirty way...I dont know.
But my husband senses there is something there and is very overjealous. Problem is, i'm not in love with my husband anymore. He does nothing for me sexually, physically...emotionally. I just feel like i'm buying time or i dont know what to do but even saying i love you and kissing him has become a chore. I dont know what to do...I dont want their friendship ruined, I dont know if i'm reading too far into things... I dont know if this guy really even likes me...but wehile my husband was gone we slept in the same bed and he held me...who holds a girl they dont like? i aske d if i could kiss him and he said that it probably wasnt a good idea-making it clear that it wasnt that he didnt want to-but because he has moral and wouldnt want someone to do it to him so he wasnt doing that to my husband...i'm really screwed up over all this. I feel my soul pulling me to this guy that i dont even know if i would ever have a hope in hell with...and i desperatly dont want to hurt anyone-but i have fallen flat on my face here.
please help me before my world explodes in my face
HI,
Thank you for posting a question here, and Welcome to this site.
It was a mistake letting this person move in with you and your husband! Now, your marriage is in deep trouble.
Soulmate or not, you don't want to be with your husband anymore, and I am sure he knows it. I don't think "over jealous" is the word for it; it's more like "you don't love me anymore".
This has nothing to do with "being pulled toward him". You could have been looking for a way out of your marriage, and now you might have found it....him.
I really do suggest you and your husband go, together, to a Professional Marriage Counselor. Try working this out......WithOut this man around!
I do wish you the very best, and good luck.
PS; If you want a way out of your marriage, you found it.....another man.
Moving another person into a home is always a bad idea. And being alone with someone of the other sex ( or same sex if you go that way) is always a recipe for destruction.
And of course this "idea" guy is just there, when a person is breaking up or have just broke up, we normally feel the next person we come across is always the Perfect one.
If you want to break up with your husband, do so, but don't go running to this other guy, stay awary from anyone don't date at all for at least 6 months.
but best bet get marriage counselng and find the love you used to have for the husband,
I agree. Sometimes we tend to see what we want to and label them as a soulmate. You were probably in a rut or routine where life got boring and predictable. Relationships go through this phase many times. Then comes along a new and interesting person..... and shakes up excitement that you felt when you were dating before marriage. Do not mistake this as your soulmate, because even if you left your husband - married this soulmate, things will soon become routine again and you will find yourself back into a routine life with another person. Instead, focus on your relationship with your husband. Reinvent why you fell in love with him in the first place. Figure out ways to renew the spice. Start communicating with each other, and ask yourself the reasons the attraction has diminished - and how that can be improved. Marriage takes A LOT of work. It's not going to be a rose garden all the time.
You said everything happens for a reason. Well look at it this way then. This other guy came into your life to make you re-evaluate your own. He brought out things in you that you have probably tucked away due to the monotony of a relationship. You can have that with your husband too, and some effort on your part will go a long way - your husband will follow. This will in the end strengthen your marriage.
p.s. What was your husband thinking leaving u alone with another guy or even moving him in the home in the first place?? Absolutely a recipe for disaster!!
I agree with the above posters responses. He shouldn't have moved in especially been alone with you that week. I am also a spiritual person that believes in soulmates BUT I have finally realized there is no ONE soulmate you were destined to be with there are MANY soulmates you run across in your lifetime. Some are friend types that you don't know how you could go one without them and some are romantic. The trick is to find a soulmate that you feel that connection (deep down pulling toward, communication, passion) with and yet still be able to handle their imperfections once the initial heat is over. I have been through this before and I know how real this seems but trust me it's not.
You said it was no big deal before you got to spend this time with him so it wasn't love at first sight or anything like that. Chances are you are not happy in your marriage, maybe he ignores you, doesn't say I love you like he used to, doesn't make love to you the way he should, doesn't ask you about your thoughts and dreams so it makes you feel depressed and stuck in this runt. THEN this man who is installed into your home is alone with you for the week.
He asks you about yourself, spends time with you, thinks your jokes are funny, flirts with you, even holds you in a way I am sure your husband hasn't in a long time. You are tempted and want this affection and attention so badly now you think your falling in love. How do you know deep down (be honest with yourself) that if he was any other guy in the whole world you wouldn't be feeling like you are now. If he just treated you like your special and spent time with you, gave you those looks how do you know you wouldn't fall for him too?
My grandpa used the male version of this to explain to me why people cheat
" You can't give water to a drowning woman, if she was content in her relationship she wouldn't be available to be taken away"
Now I know thats not the only reason people do some are just sick. My point is if you were getting all you needed from your husband you wouldn't have confused romantic soulmate feelings with normal friendship ones so that is something like they have said above you should seriously think about. If you want to save this marriage then get him out of your house now (he is grown and should understand your marriage is in trouble) get therapy with your husband and I would explain in session you were tempted to fall for someone else because of the basic needs as a woman that were being ignored, make sure to point out you didn't kiss him. If your husband loves you and wants to fix this he will see that for the blaring red flag that it is...go on some "dates" with your husband, light candles for dinner at home alone with him, put on that nightie that drove him crazy back then or pick up a new red satin slip that will make his eyes pop out of his head ( ;P), let him know you need to be held more, need to make time to just be a couple in time you can repair this marriage if the two of you honestly want to work at it.
If you don't want the marriage then do what FR CHUCK suggested. Get the man out of your house, let your husband know you want to separate. Be independent and most importantly alone for awhile. Reconnect with your interests, hobbies, old (female) friends. I read somewhere that you need to give yourself 6mths for every year you were together to truly be over each other. I don't know if that is true but it is a thought. If in a year after the divorce is over and you have found you again (something you need to do anyway even if you are staying in the marriage) then the two of you can have your shot. If it is true love then it will be there when the timing is right. If your afraid he won't wait that long then sweetie it isn't love especially not a love that is worth ruining a marriage. If want out thats fine but leave because you want to for other reasons, not for this man.
The flipside of this is it would be better in the long run for your love with this man if he turns out to be one of the ones. If he sees you have that intergrity and are faithful even when things are this bad to your husband then he will trust you once you are together. If he sees your willing to leave your husband or sleep with him behind his back deep down he will never fully trust you. If you will do it to your hubby why not him in a few years? It makes you look dishonest and would cause real trust issues later on. No matter what he says when he wants to sleep with you it will.
Think long and hard about what you are doing, things like this there is no undoing them once they are done.
I'm confused. It's "morally" wrong to kiss you, but not "morally" wrong to sleep in your bed with you? Even if nothing sexually happened, where are the morals in that? Could he be leading you down a path to where, if your husband figured out what was REALLY going on, he could blame it all on you? Just asking. What you really need is to get this guy out of your lives, do some "real" soul searching, seek marriage counceling, and THEN decide what it is you want. I predict that if you do as I suggest, no matter what happens with your marriage, this other guy won't be in the picture any more. Good luck. I wish you only the best.
I agree. Sometimes we tend to see what we want to and label them as a soulmate. You were probably in a rut or routine where life got boring and predictable. Relationships go through this phase many times. Then comes along a new and interesting person..... and shakes up excitement that you felt when you were dating before marriage. Do not mistake this as your soulmate, because even if you left your husband - married this soulmate, things will soon become routine again and you will find yourself back into a routine life with another person. Instead, focus on your relationship with your husband. Reinvent why you fell in love with him in the first place. Figure out ways to renew the spice. Start communicating with each other, and ask yourself the reasons the attraction has diminished - and how that can be improved. Marriage takes A LOT of work. It's not going to be a rose garden all the time.
You said everything happens for a reason. Well look at it this way then. This other guy came into your life to make you re-evaluate your own. He brought out things in you that you have probably tucked away due to the monotony of a relationship. You can have that with your husband too, and some effort on your part will go a long way - your husband will follow. This will in the end strengthen your marriage.
p.s. What was your husband thinking leaving u alone with another guy or even moving him in the home in the first place?? Absolutely a recipe for disaster!!
Completley agree with this post. I have been with my husband for nine years and there have been times when Iv been in situations with the opposite sex that I have been extremely tempted but it wasnt that I was miserable with my hubby its just that the relationship was predictible and boring and I wanted a little more excitement.
you have to make sure that what your feeling about your husband is truely your feelings. Are you really that unhappy with him or is it that this other person fell into your life and now your looking for something exciting? Throughout our lives we are going to make connections with people and have very close intimacies with others but that doesn't mean that its a sign that you should leave the person your with to pursue this. Take it from me I have been where you are and the first thing you need to do is make sure your right about the feelings you have for your husband. nine times out of ten I think the reasons that affairs happen in otherwise happy marriages is that the relationship gets a little boring and predictable and its an easy trap when some one else happens to come along.
"Don't want to ruin their friendship"???!!
This guy may be very charming, but he is a jerk. I am sorry, but he established the extent of their friendship the minute he started that, "don't look at me," flirty talk. His friendship with your husband has no ground because he doesn't respect him in the least bit if he has the audacity to sleep /cuddle with his wife.
To be honest, I feel for your husband...Marriage can become mundane, many people seek alternative outlets to feel that excitement again. But your husband was kind enough to let this guy into his home, and then this jerk starts to move in on his wife? And listen to yourself..."He has become overjealous..." Hello! you are admitting you have cuddled and have deep feelings for his "good," friend. That jealousy is not justified? He can sense that...
Get that guy out of your house. He has no obligation to you., no responsibility for your relationship....It's real easy for him to come in and sweet talk. But he's showing a real lack of loyalty (towards your husband) and respect (towards your marriage.) No real man would do that.
I have gone through a very similiar situation. trust me. Gert him out of there, and THEN work on your marriage. You owe it to your husband, to your marriage. You CAN find that love again,. don't give up (like everyone else is these days...) You will find that you have chemistry with many people through out your life. Searcg your heart, and have faith in your marriage.
This is all messed up. Get this guy out of your house and figure out what you can do to improve the relationship with your husband without the distraction of some other guy . If your to lazy to do that at least be honest and leave.
well, i am a spiritual person who does NOT believe in soulmates... at least in the sense of one person thats right for you or some cosmic force that pushes The One you are Meant to Love into your life... my wife and i are great together. could another man make her happy? sure. the right guy(s) could. is that ok? yup. we are committed to our marriage and vows.
i guess i believe more in moral choices, emotional choices, and logical choices. my sister in law plays the "everything happens for a reason" game and guess what.... she's not happy. not with her life nor her marriage... and when things go bad because she's made a bad decision, well then it's God's Will, or its "meant to be"
no. its a bad decision based on bad data. don't blame fate, the cosmos, or God for bad choices.
but you do need to figure a few things out:
1) you say you dont love your husband. you owe it to him and to yourself to figure this out. if you're just confused and need help to get the marriage back on track, fine. get help. if you get help and find that your marriage is really over, well you owe it to each of you not to live a lie. especially him. he should know if you truly are not going to honor your vows.
2) if leaving him is the best thing for you, and it might be... then you should wait before diving into another relationship. figure out yourself, your head. how you got to a place where your marriage failed. i know, its fate. well, again, no.
3) if this other guy really is the one for you, and you really have this connection, then he should be willing to wait for you (with no strings attached) while you find yourself. otherwise, he's just a soul mate-for-the-moment.
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