I have been married for almost 3 years. I am 22 and he is 23 and we have 2 children together. When we first got together we did have a lot of problems. A few of them consist of him lying about maxing a credit card we had for "only if totally necessary", him drinking a lot, and lying about not coming home when he was really hanging out with on of his friends. Well, I finally got over that, but never really forgave him deep inside especially about the lying. Last Thursday, he started to go down the same path again. He called me around 8:30 that night and said that he was on his way home. Around 9:30 I had that awful feeling that he wasnt coming home. Around 1:30 in the morning I called him again and he finally answered his cell phone. He said that he was tired of being treated like a child and just couldnt handle it, and that he was with his friend. I admit that I do expect certain things out of him like help with the children and around the house and I think he thinks that Im bossing him around. He also said that he knows what hes doing is wrong, and that he loves me so much and he needs to change. Ive heard that one before and dont think that it will ever change for the better even though I wish it would. When we're happy we're happy, when we're fighting then we're fighting. He does really good for a while then does something stupid like this, usually every 6 or 8 months. We have been separated since last Thursday night, and I dont know what to do. I do love him but I dont think I can fully trust him from all the lies he has told me. The kids love him and I dont want to take them away from him. I dont want him back around just yet, but do I just let this one go again after awhile and get back together, or what?! Please, any advice is helpful.

Jesushelper76

Hmmm,

Question is what kind of lies are you talking about?

What kind of friend was he out with?

With a family there are responsibilities and I do believe that there are problems that are caused by both of you not just one. Maybe he feels you nag him all the time and maybe the communication between you too are not the best, but that is usually when things happen.

I would also be curious at what he is doing all this time that he is not with you when he is supposed to be married with you.

I think you need to go to counseling they will help you figure out what is the best way to handle this plus you can get all your feelings and thoughts out in the open without feeling like your being judged.

Every situation is different. Some people my personal opinion is to stick it out and work through it but with others I am not to sure about.

This one sounds a bit off to me, and I am wondering if you might be better off without him taking out his anger by threatening to leave or not coming home.

First suggest counseling see if it is possible. I personally would have a lot of questions for him, but I am sure you have already thought about these things.

If he really wants to change, he will actually go with the idea of marriage counseling with you. This is an important step if you both want to work on things together.

At the same time his actions speak louder then words. You can not force change on him. He needs to do it on his own.

Marriage counseling is important.

After trying to make it work through counseling and if this does not work and the lies do not stop and communication does not open up then I would say it is time for a permanant seperation. Does not mean he can not see the children but you also need to think about what will make your children happy, are they happy right now?

Joe

KatC1523

Thank you for the answer, and here are some more answers from me. The lies that started the trust issue were: the one about maxing out the credit card in less that a month(spent mostly on beer),and telling me that he will be home in "X" hours and never showing up. The drinking issue has gotten better and he dosent really drink(at most 2 or 3) unless we go out together. The friend of his is a childhood friend, known for at least 8 years. This guy is the same age as him, goes to college, has a server job, hangs out most of the night, goes out drinking, gets cute girlfriends. I feel that he wants to be more like him and we did talk about this. I made sure to ask him that if he really wanted to get married and know what hes getting into, having a family and responsibilities, and he said he was sure. I know that I do nag sometimes, but I do also need help with the children, the younger one especially, which he dosent take much care of like on his days off. He works as a merchandiser and I work full time at a bank and there isnt much time. I do know that hes working because he is staying at the moment with one of his co-workers. I know that they arent out drinking or anything like that because the co-worker and his wife JUST had a baby 3 weeks ago. I felt that it was kind of rude of him to stay over there but his friend and his wife said it was ok. Counseling is something that I would have to talk myself into agreeing to as well. I feel embarassed, like I cant handle my own, like I dont know how to work things out. Let alone talking about this to a doctor right in front of me(my emotions get me). He has asked to see the children since Thursday but not really followed up on it, like hes not really trying. The children are actually doing really good, they are still happy, full of energy but I dont think they realize whats going on yet. I think they think he's working. Anyway, thanks for listening to me again.

Jesushelper76

That is the thing. You are trying to take care of everybody else. In so many ways, Who is looking after you? Who is taking care of you?

Counseling will get you a 3rd persons point of view, plus when you get past the doing it alone bit. It will be beneficial for you to have somebody that you can talk to and get helpful advice from to hopefully help you see things more clearly.

Many many people want to do everything on their own, take care of everything on their own, but then they end up wearing themselves down and if you do that to yourself. Your not going to be good to anybody.

I hope that it has helped just knowing somebody is listening to your concerns. I do hope everything works out for the best of the whole family. My concern is if your not both trying and there is a lack of communication this is when things tend to get bad in a relationship. Counselers will actually help and give advice on what is different ways to approach and open up the lines of communication.

Joe

glavine

I Can Relate To This In A Way, Your Both Young, 22 23. Marriage Is One Thing , Haveing Kids At That Age Is Another, You Cant Change That Past But Youve Got Alot On Your Plate. From His Stand Point, He's Thinkin Im Only 23 And Im Stuck. I Love Her But, I Wish Id Of Waited , Just To Make Sure Im Not Missing Anything, He Probably Is Eatin Up The Attention From Hanging Out With His Friend At Clubs, Cute Girls Talking To Him And All. It Just Reinforces What Hes Thinkin.
Im Sure That He Cares About You But, I Think Be Separte For Now Is Good. He Needs To See What Its Like Without You And The Kids. Letting Him See You And Them Just Will Make It Easier To Stay Where Hes At. Just Gettin His Fix.
As Far As Cousiling, This Is My Take, He Make Think Its Wrong, But Until He Really Wants To Change, It Doesnt Matter, He Want Want Anyone To Tell Him What He Already Knows, And Truth Be Told He Probably Doest Know How To Fix Himself If He Really Wanted To. Its At A Place Right Now That If Its Not Easy Then Why Try.
Marriage Will Only Work If Both Want It To.
Id Also Worry If He Comes Back Is It For You Or The Kids, Or Both. Whats His Motives.
Hes Just Not Happy, And It Doesnt Sound Like Your Asking Him For Much Either, Just To Be A Dad And Husband.
But If He Is That Set On Wanting To Do His Own Thing It Doesnt Matter What You Ask For Cause Its To Much.

His Friend Isnt Helping You And Your Family Either. Hes Got To Go. Your Husband Probably Tells Him Everything And He Just Agrees With It. It Must Really Suck To Be Married To Her. Its All He Needs, Just Someone Saying Its Ok, I Dont Blame You, Id Do It To.

Well Anyway Thats My Take

KatC1523

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate it, very much.

fix-what-you-broke

"I admit that I do expect certain things out of him like help with the children and around the house ".....welcome to the world of an adult relationship!!
he is a father right? he needs to take responsibility for that, he is also a married man, he has all the responsibilities that married life brings with it.
I had my son when I was 17, and yes i am the first to admit it was far too young to be having a child, but i took my responsibilites seriously, i went without a hell of a lot to put him first, one thing i didnt do was leave his father because i didnt want to do housework or look after my kid.
Yes 23 is quite young, but i guess he should have thought of all this when he got tied down so young.
the way he left you was immature, he should have sat you down and told you he wanted one day a week with his friends or something not walk out on his family because of his immaturity.