Husband treats children differently.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 9, 2012, 10:22 PM

Have you considered asking your husband to do some counseling?
If he has been the father in the 9 year old life for a while he needs to understand what this rejection could do to her. These are young children we're talking about. He may not be the natural father, but he has been the father figure in her life for the last five years at least.
As a mom I can understand your being hurt by the way the older daughter is being treated, and the 5 year old needs to come out of the bedroom with you two.
You guys need to be on one accord when it comes to your kids.
Do some counseling, if he doesn't, you do it. You will get some ideas about how to handle this.

Cat1864 · Aug 10, 2012, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

Long story long, don’t immediately blame your husband for the affection that is or isn’t given. There may be a very good reason that is being over looked. Sometimes we are blinded by our love for our kids. As a grown up, it affects us more that a child doesn’t love us that we have provided for than it does them. Remember when you were a tween, you may have not liked your parents and double that for someone that is not your biological parent.

As the step-child who reached out and was rebuffed, you are wrong. In my case it was step-mothers instead of step-fathers and started when I was about three years old. We learn at an early age to hide a need for affection from those who don't return it. We put up shields to protect ourselves. We act like we could care less, but inside we are screaming for some one to see us and love us. However, all most people see is the defensive wall we put up. We need love and affection, but we are afraid to allow anyone to get close to us. Rejection hurts. It takes a very special person to stand-fast and gain our trust even as we fight against them and ourselves.

To the op: you need to sit down with your husband and discuss his behavior. Counseling might give you both a safe place to express yourselves and learn better ways of working together. He needs to know the damage he is doing to both children. Over-indulgence is as bad as neglect.

Be the mother and love both of your children. Be as balanced as you can be. There are always times when one child needs more than the other or one child's need is more immediate. But don't play favorites. Don't try to make up for what he isn't giving. Don't hold back because he is over-doing it. You can show affection and discipline at the same time. Be firm in your expectations of both children. But most of all love them and spend time with them together and separately.

If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Good luck.

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

As the step-child who reached out and was rebuffed, you are wrong. In my case it was step-mothers instead of step-fathers and started when I was about three years old. We learn at an early age to hide a need for affection from those who don't return it. We put up shields to protect ourselves. We act like we could care less, but inside we are screaming for some one to see us and love us. However, all most people see is the defensive wall we put up. We need love and affection, but we are afraid to allow anyone to get close to us. Rejection hurts. It takes a very special person to stand-fast and gain our trust even as we fight against them and ourselves.

To the op: you need to sit down with your husband and discuss his behavior. Counseling might give you both a safe place to express yourselves and learn better ways of working together. He needs to know the damage he is doing to both children. Over-indulgence is as bad as neglect.

Be the mother and love both of your children. Be as balanced as you can be. There are always times when one child needs more than the other or one child's need is more immediate. But don't play favorites. Don't try to make up for what he isn't giving. Don't hold back because he is over-doing it. You can show affection and discipline at the same time. Be firm in your expectations of both children. But most of all love them and spend time with them together and separately.

If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Good luck.

This is wonderful advice - out of "greenies." As I keep repeating, parrot-like, I'm a stepmother (5 times). Neither side is easy, "step" on either side can be a dirty word.

I am STRUCK by this: "There has only been 2 times I have spanked my eldest daughter at which time my wife had told me to do so. The second time was when she was 12 years old and was treating my wife like crap. CPS was called and we were investigated. ... Anyway, I’ve never really felt comfortable around our eldest in regards to hugs and cuddling ... I have distanced myself from her since the start of the problems."

That poor child! I believe this person is taking out his frustration and anger at his wife on the child. I am not surprised that his wife is distancing herself sexually and emotionally.

All sorts of problems - no sex, no communication, no alone time, she forced him to spank the child to the point where CPS was called in, the in-laws neither like nor respect him. Counselling, counselling, counselling.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2012, 09:22 PM

You both need to take some parenting classes as I see it. Especially him, or set some better rules and boundaries. Uncomfortable or not, step parent or not, he better get it thru his head that a nine year old needs love too!

He better get more comfortable, and thats what the classes are about. And children can tell when a parent is upset, whether you argue in front of them or not. Its important you two get on the same page. You have to be consistent, and fair.

Realtalkink · Aug 11, 2012, 11:33 PM

I see no big deal here...

Cat1864 · Aug 12, 2012, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Realtalkink

No i dont, my father did the same when i was young and so do other parents. I believe either you should just show extra care to the less favorited child or just have a talk with your husband about how this makes you feel. Besides this is your problem either you or you husband should just grow up.

Ps. Realtalk

This father is going beyond showing a preference for one child over the other one. His behavior is going to cause issues for the younger child as much it does for the older child. Both children are in danger of growing up and looking for affection in all the wrong ways and places. I have seen this happen over and over again and not only in blended families.

The problem belongs to the family. Not just the mother or the father. You are correct if you mean that they need to work together.

Realtalkink · Aug 12, 2012, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This father is going beyond showing a preference for one child over the other one. His behavior is going to cause issues for the younger child as much it does for the older child. Both children are in danger of growing up and looking for affection in all the wrong ways and places. I have seen this happen over and over again and not only in blended families.

The problem belongs to the family. Not just the mother or the father. You are correct if you mean that they need to work together.

That is what i meant thank you. I didnt mean to offend anyone but i guess i was being insensitive i just felt that in my life i didnt really see this as a bigdeal and i still dont.

Husband treats children differently.

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