my husband told me he was atracted to men

need2talk · Dec 7, 2007, 06:46 AM

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 1. We are highschool sweethearts and now he just told me he was attracted to men. I feel stupid because everyone has always said that they thought he was gay. It has kind of been like a joke ever since highschool. But he loved me and I loved him and he always denied it he siad he wasnt and i didnt think he was.Now he goes to gay bars to hang with his "friends" and has a great time.Alot more fun then he would ever have with me. I think that since he goes there and everyone says hes gay and that hes having so much fun there that he thinks he is and now he told me hes felt like this ever since he was little.I just dont know what to do and I fell so stupid because everyone always said he was and I should have saw this coming.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2007, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

no sorry mseik but even suggesting that a person stay with another perosn who is out having sexual affairs is not only poor advice but harmful.

And sorry but advice that a relationship could or even should work allowing a spouse to be in affairs with others, no matter what sex they are, is just wrong.

And to be honest, a partner in a homosexual affair is far worst and the injured spouse should feel rightfully cheated and hurt.

In all fairness I can't see where support and education, means having affairs or condoning, them. Thats a stretch I don't understand.

LearningAsIGo · Dec 12, 2007, 11:39 AM

First of all, I'm sorry he deceived you in this way. Obviously, you thought you were vowing to stay together as husband and wife (with all that entails) and its unfortunate that he couldn't have been honest with you before he pulled you into this mess. If he knew since childhood, he was lying to you when commited to be your husband.

You need to make the decision for him. Personally, I think you deserve more than a husband that will live his life outside of your marriage. I don't mean this to be cruel, but while he's married to you, he should not continue going out to bars (gay or otherwise) without you. Its disrespectful toward you during a very tough time and its selfish thinking on his part. I happen to believe that marriage (gay or straight couples--doesn't matter to me) should be honest, faithful, supportive, equal, and true. Its up to you to interpret that for yourself and come to a conclusion about what you want in life. Does that mean you won't have children together? Does that mean he'll live a secret life? Does that mean you'll seperate? Unfortunately, only the two of you can figure that out.

Talk to him and request that he "stays quite" (no bars, etc) while you figure out what to do. The least he can do is give you some dignity (privacy) while you make sense of it all and begin to move on with life no matter which way you decide to go.

juiceboxx · Dec 14, 2007, 05:57 AM

Wow, that's crazy I'm not even quite sure what to say to that.
I've kind of been in the same thing exepct the marriage and 7 years together.
I was with this guy for 1 year and he felt so close to me like we would go shopping together and play dress up ha. But after a while I kind of realized it was weird.
Sure enough after I broke it off he started talking to this guy and they ended up going
out. Ever sense then I've been know as the girl who turned her boyfriends gay...lol

Tuscany · Dec 14, 2007, 06:07 AM

It seems like everyone is focusing on the fact that he cheated as the reason for her to leave. How about the other reasons. Cheating, yes that is a HUGE reason, but what about the fact that he lied to her for so long, that they will never have a relationship like that of a traditional married couple, that she is grieving the loss of a life she thought she was going to have. And now, that life has been torn apart. This girl does need support. She needs to talk to people who have gone through this. Cheating is cheating, but I think this issue is far more involved then just the fact that he looked elsewhere for sex.

talaniman · Dec 14, 2007, 06:13 AM

Did I miss something?? Where is the cheating, and affairs??

Tuscany · Dec 14, 2007, 06:19 AM

Below are four quotes that I pulled from other posts within the thread that discuss cheating. That is where I got it from.

Well, I think you should consider moving on. If he is going out to clubs and what not, then he is not faithful to his commitment. Sure he's gay, but he still made a commitment to you. If he can not honor that commitment, then he needs to be man enough to let you move forward.

And sorry but advice that a relationship could or even should work allowing a spouse to be in affairs with others, no matter what sex they are, is just wrong.

I agree with the others. Cheating is cheating, whether it's done straight or gay. Lay it on the table with him and give him an ultimatum and be prepared to pack your bags and go.

yes cheating and running around is the same no matter what their sexual preference, so do what any other wife does when their husband cheats, divorce him and take him for everything he ever had or will have.

talaniman · Dec 14, 2007, 08:48 AM

All are by other posters, none by the OP?

NowWhat · Dec 14, 2007, 02:13 PM

Right, she had said that he is going out to gay clubs with his new friends and having a great time.

From that, started - if he's going out and exploring his "new life" then it COULD lead to cheating.

talaniman · Dec 14, 2007, 02:52 PM

As an expert at closing bars, in my time, I can't put cheating on the list of having a great time. My point being that he may be just comfortable around his friends. Having said that, this is a couple who need to talk to clear a lot of things up, as sexuality differences can be reconcilled with an honest dialogue. We are all attracted to other humans to some degree, and that in itself is not a deal breaker, and no reason the two of them cannot at least talk it out without the obvious emotion, and still work together to be happy. Loyalty and fidelity, don't have to be exclusive to heteroseuals, and is not. Its funny that we had a thread this morning, that a woman was wondering about her sexuality after marriage, and no one said anything about leaving her spouse. I think after the emotional dust settles betwen them, its time to talk ,before a decision can be made to leave or not. Would you want your spouse to leave because you were gay, and you wanted to work it out? Though I will admit, I don't think I could leave my wife in such a state, if I cared.

indyjohn · Dec 23, 2007, 10:44 PM

Before I came out I had relationships with women that were fairly serious. We functioned sexually and I was able to fool these women most of the time. Basically, feeling guilty and trying to live a lie. Fortunately, I didn't have to cheat on them with a guy because they eventually could tell the way I am because I couldn't perform oral sex on them at all. They broke off the relationship in time. If this guy is like that, you would know and it should be fairly obvious to you it's not a phase. If it's true, you should end the relationship.



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