my husband thinks I am cheating and I am not

skeanes · #1 Jun 14, 2009, 10:00 AM

My husband thinks I can stop for 15 minutes and have a quicky on my way home from work. I cant even stop to get milk with out him wondering why I am late. I know we have fights in the past and my behavior and discussions we have had has somehow lead him to suspisions. However I admit to misusing words and what I say has a different meaning to him. Bottom line I am not cheating and he doesnt trust me, He has had this insecurity for a long time and I just accept it and go because I know I am not cheating on him. I have tried everything to avoid putting him in the position to think that but no matter what he thinks I can an will do it no matter how many times I tell him i am not. I do not even leave room for that. I rush home to avoid being accused. Yes I have given him plenty of reasons to make him think I would. But I simply have not and nothing I tell him changes that.

how do i convince my husband I am not cheating.

I forgave my husband for cheating and I trust him fully again. But now he thinks I can and am cheating on him now. We have had our ups and downs and I have made confusing remarks in the past that lead him to believe I was trying to tell him that i cheated. He thinks I am capable of cheating on him and he thinks that I would do it and think that is ok with myself. I am not cheating nor have I gave him any reason to my knowlege. If I am late coming home from work he acusses me of having sex on the way home and It is rediculous to me because If a stop at the store for a loaf of bread I have to worry that he thinks i am being sneaky.

yes he has always acted like this he is paranoid no matter what i do to convince him he doesnt trust me. And i lead to him cheating on me. and i forgave him. I also cheated on him once but he thinks there are more and there are not

nikosmom · Jun 14, 2009, 10:21 AM

How long have you been married? Has he always acted this way?

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 10:32 AM

You know sometimes, it's really a cover up for his behavior.

The fact that you did cheat before, would give him the "right" to become suspicious when he feels that you are showing "signs".

When did you cheat? Was it before or after he cheated? When did he cheat?

Cheating, cheating, cheat on me, cheat on you.

There's a whole lot of cheat.

I don't think this relationship is worth salvaging.

Sarah

nikosmom · Jun 14, 2009, 10:34 AM

Sounds like your marriage has some serious problems. The lack of trust is major. Once it has been broken, many people can never regain it no matter how hard they try. How long ago was it?

It seems like counseling would be in order if you even hope to salvage the relationship. Both of you have broken the bonds that should be sacred and you need help getting to the bottom of why.

mercoria · Jun 14, 2009, 11:16 AM

trust is like a crystal ball. Once a stain has been put against the ball, it can be seen fron every angle. No matter where you sit and stare at the ball, the stain shows through the transparent glass. Once someones trust in you has been broken, it is best to shatter that whole ball and start over

It can be with the anyone, a different or the same person.

sit him down once and for all and explain that the trust was broken initially. NOW its time to move on, to rebuild your trust and leave the past behind. you can make the future, but it can only start with leaving the past behind

DoulaLC · Jun 14, 2009, 12:01 PM

Sounds like he is shifting his guilt for his past transgressions onto you. He may, without realizing it, almost be hoping that you do cheat so that it can somewhat resolve him of his actions. Sort of a now we are even kind of thing. He could be worried that you will cheat thinking that you would feel justified in getting back at him. Maybe he is still cheating and hoping to shift the spotlight onto you. Perhaps he feels you have the upper hand in the relationship...you are not on an even playing field. You may or may not be giving that impression....perhaps without even realizing it. There could be any number of reasons why he is acting the way he is.

Time to have a heart to heart talk with him....and it may take several talks over time to clear the air so that both of you feel you have a fresh start in the relationship. It won't ever go back to where it was, but it can be better, in some ways, than it was. You may be able to resolve the issue together, or you may find outside help will be necessary.

Either way it needs to be done as obviously neither of you wants to continue the relationship without having feelings of trust, honesty, and a mutual commitment to moving forward.

MoodsterMan · Jun 14, 2009, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skeanes

I forgave my husband for cheating and I trust him fully again. But now he thinks I can and am cheating on him now. We have had our ups and downs and I have made confusing remarks in the past that lead him to believe I was trying to tell him that i cheated. He thinks I am capable of cheating on him and he thinks that I would do it and think that is ok with myself. I am not cheating nor have I gave him any reason to my knowlege. If I am late coming home from work he acusses me of having sex on the way home and It is rediculous to me because If a stop at the store for a loaf of bread I have to worry that he thinks i am being sneaky.

WOW!

He cheated on you and is now down your throat about cheating? Jeez, counseling... you need to go ASAP.

N0help4u · Jun 14, 2009, 02:27 PM

I agree with the others often blaming and accusing means they are guilty of something. He has trust issues and need counseling.

I know what its like to have a guy insist you are cheating when you only have 10 minutes unaccounted for and it was the 10 extra minutes you spent in a traffic jam; not driving out of your way to a supposed affair they made up in their head.

Insecurity will wreck a relationship faster than anything.

Gemini54 · Jun 14, 2009, 06:25 PM

There is no way that YOU can convince him that you're not cheating. HE has to convince himself.

Having been untrustworthy himself, he is now projecting his behavior on to you. It's his way of not only controlling you but also covering up his fears - because if he can do it, in his mind, so can you.

Stop reacting to his accusations and questions. Quietly let him know that you no longer wish to engage in the discussion or answer his questions. If he tries to argue, start doing something else or leave the room.

He's a big boy now. This is his 'stuff'. He has to learn how to quiet his fear and jealousy and deal with the consequences of his actions. Time to grow up and man up.

His behavior is borderline abusive and obsessive. If the relationship is important to him, he needs to take responsibility, and seek counselling. He will feel a lot better (and so will you!) if he does.