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My husband,my step kids and me?
Asked Oct 17, 2005, 12:45 AM
I'm at my wits end. I have been in a realationship with my husband for 11 years and he has 2 kids. Blended familys are hard. That is what I heard from everyone. I love kids so I thiught it would be no problem. Right? Wrong! My husband for the most part is a wonderful person he treats me very well and provides for me very well and shows me that I'm important except when his children are around. He tries to show me attention when they are here but it feels like fake attention. It feels like he is throwing me a bone. I feel that he plays games when they are here. Like say we get into a fight I don't like to fight in front of anyone so we go into our bedroom and in the middle of the aurgument he yells something like "you dont even like my kids anyway" Then he will apoligise later but mean while the kids have heard that and it is hard for someone to forget something like that. The fight we are having right now is about 2 months ago his oldest son wanted to bring his 15 year old girlfriend down for th weekend ( his son id 18)and my husband didn't ask my opinion about it at all and we got in a fight. So they came down and while they were hear they were very disrespectful. They had to be told 4 or 5 times to stop fondling each other in front of us then I went to go and get a coat out of the bedroom and there they were lights out and under the covers, had to tell them twice to stop that too. They had there clothes on but it was not o.k. with me and then my husband was resistant to go and stop it. Well his son called last week and asked if he could come down and so my husband said sure and I don't have a problem with that at all I love them very much. So in my mind he was coming down then 2 days ago I find out that he is bringing his girlfriend too. Again my husband never asked my opinion about any of this. When I found this out we had a very calm conversation about what happened last time and he said " you know your right the way they acted last time they were here was inapropriate and I am going to ask him not to bring her." So then we talked later and he repeated the conversation that he had with his son and I was releaved. Then yesterday I find out that he doesn't remember having that conversation with me that she wouldn't come down only the part that they need to be respectful. How can I remember a different conversation then him? I really feel he plays games around his kids and that is not fair to me or the kids because it puts a untrusting bug in my realationship with the kids and one with my husband. I know the boy is 18 and should be able to be an adult but I wouldn't do the things they were doing in front of my parents. I am worried about my realationship with my husband. I have been bitting my tongue for 11 yrs and I just cant anymore. Please help me I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long I just wanted to tell the whole story so someone could have the whole picture. Thank you for your time.
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Oct 17, 2005, 05:30 AM
I am sorry you are having such problems. As a man married for 28 yrs, to my second wife, with one child of hers, and two of mine, it takes work on both partners to have children accept the other. My step-daughter is like my "own" now (she is 34 yrs old), and treats me as her "real" dad. Both my own sons treat my wife as their "mom", but they know the difference.
I have no idea why your husband wants to keep you separated from his relationship with his kids. They are really "your" kids, too.
I highly suggest you try talking your husband into going to Marriage Counseling. The both of you need to talk with a Professional, together. If your husband refuses, then it's bad news.
Don't "hold your tongue" any longer. The more you keep these feelings inside you without talking about them, the worse it's going to become. And, the fights are just going to continue, getting worse.
If your husband won't go with you to counseling, then you really need to go by yourself, just to talk with someone... get some suggestions, if you want to try different ideas.
You will also have to decide whether you want to stay in this unhappy situation. Look out for yourself, because there is a great world out there, with the right person. You don't need this!
Best of luck,
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Oct 17, 2005, 09:03 PM
Unfortunately your situation is not uncommon when it comes to blended families. It generally boils down to one thing: guilt. Your husband feels guilty for the breakup of his children's home when he divorced his first wife/their mother, so he "compensates" by allowing his kids to have free reign and not setting any limits whatsoever, for fear of displeasing them and justifying, in their minds, their mother's desire to divorce their father in the first place. Of course, such neglectful "parenting" solves nothing and I am a firm believer that spouse comes first. You have every right to object to your son's conduct and it is somewhat disturbing that he would actually choose to allow himself to be placed at odds with his spouse rather than take a firm stand with his son. Disturbing as it is though, as I said before it is not uncommon. I have a similar problem with my wife who allows my 16-year old stepdaughter much more freedom than I feel is appropriate for a young woman her age. However, whenever I express any concerns, she simply treats me to some lame excuse and brushes it under the table rather than acknowledge my concerns and authority as a (step)father, biological roots not withstanding. It bothers me that she wants so much to please her daughter, even when it may not ultimately be in her best interests, that she would place herself at odds with me, her husband, something that my mother would have never done with my father in a million years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it all boils back down to guilt, plain and simple. Even though my wife's first husband was the one who deserted the marriage (and his daughter), I know she feels guilty for whatever part she feels she may have played in driving him away and consequently breaking up her daughter's home. It should be noted here that my wife's family, particularly her father and older sister, placed a lot of guilt on her even though it was her husband who was the deserter. Although my wife certainly wasn't perfect, as no spouse is, he really wasn't justified in leaving the marriage. So to compensate she will bend over backwards not to displease her daughter, even to the point of going against me, her husband, which I feel is totally unacceptable for a spouse to do. I truly believe that my wife's greatest fear is to have her daughter say or think something like "No wonder Dad left you" which might happen if my wife and I truly exerted the kind of discipline and "tough love" that kids today need. I feel that it is a weakness of character on my wife's part to allow herself to be held hostage by such a fear and I am certain that that is exactly what your husband is experiencing. Now I've chosen to tolerate this rather than break up my marriage as I feel that failing to give my stepdaughter stricter limits at my level of comfort is the lesser of two evils. However, being the wife in your position and the fact that your stepson is a little older may give you more of an option to confront your husband directly and demand the respect that your position as his wife and your stepson's stepmother deserves or "so long sweetheart." That ultimatum may bring your husband to his senses as I'd tend to doubt that he'd find his 18-year-old son and some 15-year-old floosie worth sacrificing his marriage for. Just test the waters carefully ; obviously you know your husband better than I do, so don't do anything drastic unless you're reasonably sure that it'll work. Meanwhile, take comfort in the fact that it's not you, just his own insecurity and (probably unjustified) feelings of guilt.
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Oct 18, 2005, 11:51 AM
Personally speaking, I would have thrown my disrespectful stepson and his unworthy girlfriend out on their rears the moment I caught them in that bedroom, clothes on or not. If your husband had a problem with that than I'd pack his bags too. Your husband needs to admit that his son's lack of character should not be brought into your home. If your stepson is 18 and the girlfriend is only 15, and you believe strongly that they are having sex in your house, isn't that statutory rape? Remind your husband and stepson that he could go to jail for this. I agree with the previous poster, s_cianci, it's definitely guilt that is driving your husbands actions, however a spouse should never be placed second. I think both your husband and your stepson are disgusting. If his daughter were the 15 year old and she wanted to bring her 18 year old boyfriend over, I don't think he would be very thrilled about their behavior. Once my son turns 18, if he unwisely chooses to have a little girl as a girlfriend, they are not stepping foot in my house, hopefully I will have raised him with more morals and brains than that. This is your home too and you have just as much say as to who come over and what they can and can't do as he does. You must stand up to your husband and simply inform him that this will not be tolerated. If his son wants to come and visit his dad, so be it, but he is not bring his girlfriend along, your home is not some cheap motel.
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