Hi, Thanks for reading my post. I came here out of desperation. Long story short: My husband prefers the company of his male friend over mine in a BIG way. It's my own fault; I'm a realtor and I sold him and his wife a home in our neighborhood 2 years ago. Since then, our marriage has completely gone downhill (at that point we were together 4 years and married 1 year with a PERFECT relationship/marriage. We always had several friends, always hanging out with different people. I felt "whole" to always be around different walks of life. When Jay (my husband's friend's) military wife went overseas to Iraq, that's when it REALLY started.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be a good friend, but it crossed the line. For over 6 months, I saw Jay's face from the time I got up on a Sat. morning until I said "goodnight" on a Sunday evening (to him and my husband), not to mention almost every night of the week. We were losing contact with our other friends and not doing "different" things like meeting new people like we used to. When I would get home from work on a weeknight before my husband, I'd see Jay ride by the house several times to see if my husband was home yet (our house WAS NOT on his way home, he lived before our house). Finally I blew up after 6 months or so. The thought of hurting Jay's feelings was the second time I had ever seen my husband cry (the first time was when his dog of several years died, which I understand, and was one of the reasons I love him so much).

We were a threesome (not literally, but I felt like I had 2 husbands my husband had 2 wives). Now that Jay's wife has returned, it's really not any different. She's obviously depressed, and sleeps almost all the time she's home. She's also pregnant, and needs Jay. I don't really talk with her about it because I don't want to stress her any more than needed. I HAVE talked with her about her depression and sleeping all the time, but not mentioning that it's indirectly affecting our marriage, because I don't want to be selfish. So there, now more reason for Jay to come over, or for my husband to go over there. He has basically no other friends besides my husband. When I try to talk to my husband about it, he gets angry, blows up, and says that Jay is only trying to be our friend and that he's done nothing wrong. We NEVER NEVER fought until Jay came into the picture. And the fights have been bad. Really bad. I really need advice, at this point I'm so "over it" I'm considering consulting with an attorney for a divorce. All I want are freindships in moderation, and to be "number one" to my husband, not for another MAN to be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Happy Thanksgiving.

wanger

I don't know if this will help, but you might try making plans with family or other friends and tell your husband in advance that you want to spend some time with him/family/friends, or take off for the weekend with just him and spend some intiment time alone. It sounds like he has just gotten used to having all of his time for just him and has forgotten what it is like to spend time with you. This is the only suggestion I have. I hope it helps. Good luck.

jenni9

Thank you. I've already tried that; and Jay calls every day during the trip at least once.

I realized yesterday just how sick this relationship is. While Jay's 7 month pregnant wife is home trying to empty/clean/paint an office to be used as a nursery, Jay has gone to my husband's business to work for him for FREE the whole day. Jay's boss gave him the day off at the last minute. Yesterday was my husband's birthday, so instead of helping his wife, he helps my husband all day for free and takes him to lunch. I haven't told his wife this, as she's considered high risk and I don't want to cause any undue stress. Sick, sick, sick. I didn't call my husband all day to wish him a happy birthday because I didn't want to "compete" with another guy! Good thing, I would have had to eat lunch with him, too! I'm never asked my husband to stop being friends with him, all I asked was a friendship in MODERATION; is that too much to ask? This makes me sick!

wolfboy

Is there anyway he could swing both ways.
This is a question that needs to be asked.

ordinaryguy

This is a tough one. I also have to wonder if there's more to it than a regular hetero guy friendship. But regardless, the relationship is coming between you and your husband and you seem to be nearing some kind of emotional point of no return. If this really is the case, you need to impress upon your husband how serious this is, and that if he wants to save the marriage, he has to deal with the situation forcefully and definitively, sooner rather than later. If he continues to insist that it's no big deal and you shouldn't be upset, you can start to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for separation, at least, and depending on how that goes, possibly divorce. I wish I could be more optomistic about the prospects here, but it's gone on long enough and you've made it clear enough already how it's affecting you, that I have to think your husband is either totally dense, or is in denial, or really doesn't care. I sincerely hope I'm wrong. Keep in touch.

wanger

I'm sorry to hear that Jenni. I wish I could give you more advice, but i wouldn't know what to tell you. You definately have a serious problem and I wish you all the luck in the world.

talaniman

Your life was perfect while you were doing things the way you wanted them, and when your husband does what he wants, you want a divorce, as you have had enough of him and his friend. You want to go back to that perfection, and he likes having a best friend. I suspect while you were in perfection he was going a long to make you happy, and now he is happy and can't see why you are not going along. How about you two learning to communicate, and compromise a little, instead of being just about what you each want. This is not about his friend, but the two of you recognising each others needs and to be able to talk about your feelings and working together for your MUTUAL benefit. If it wasn't Jake coming along and exposing this glaring hole in this relationship it would have been something else, and the results would have been he same . One or the other would be pissed about whats happening. So get to the root of the problem, How you and your husband communicate with each other, and deal with each others feelings. If you don't then this relationship cannot have the honesty it needs to survive. Don't blame Jake, he not the problem, You and your husband are.

Fr_Chuck

Ok, so you move out temporary, and tell him he gets to choose where his heart is.

If he wants you, then before you move back in, get couseling and work on dating again,

jenni9

Thank you. I felt like I needed an unbiased opinion, I didn't want to hear "what I wanted to hear". I feel like I (we) need an objective point of view. I understand that if it didn't happen now, it would happen later or with another person. I made my post as generic as possible, not wanting to bore everyone that was kind enough to help me, but I feel I need to tell you a few more things. I see you're a relationship expert so I feel maybe I need to explain further.

I consider myself a "feminine tomboy". I kite surf, wake board, snow board, fish, have my own tackle box, my own rods, rig my own lines and cut my own bait. I have my vehicle maintenanced myself (take it somewhere) and even change bulbs on tail lights/headlights/etc. I have my own 4WD truck and a trailer that i use when big items are needed (recently bought a new refrigerator when my husband couldn't be present and had it home in the trailer for him to unload). I'm NOT one of those "needy clingy" wives. I bring in at least half of our income, work full time, and do my husband's bookwork on the side for his business, and am happy to do it; I'd rather do it. I can and have mowed the yard weed-eated, and changed filters in the air handler. I'M NOT NEEDY on a regular basis, but yes, sometimes I do need to feel important. I have only a handfull of "close" girlfriends because I cannot deal with the typical drama of a late20's to early 30's average female (I'm 31). THAT'S what my husband loved about me, and now tells me I've changed into a "chick" be being needy. That's just for some background.

My husband has several friends that he grew up with. Those were a lot of the people we used to hang out with. I get along with every one of them wonderfully. They're now just as much my friends as they are his (which is the way it's supposed to be, right? That's how I knew we were perfect for each other).

When the Jay situation started getting out of control, I had a couple of his friends to mention to me that we don't have time for them anymore, because we're always with Jay, they felt slighted and hurt. What really trggered a problem to me (and others) was that Jay was from a different "culture" I guess you could say, (from a different non-coastal state) and started wearing the same shoes and clothes as my husband. Started drinking/ordering the exact same drinks at restaurants. It even got to the point where the trashed a 2 year old water softener that needed maintenance (part replaced) to buy a brand new one exactly like my husband had just purchased. He bought my husband's boat when he bought a new one (hey, can't complain about that). I do not dislike Jay and don't blame him for our problems, I just feel like if our marriage were important enough, and their friendship was strong enough, my husband would feel comfortable in telling him, but he doesn't. That confuses me, as I thought a true friendship was unconditional and could endure anything.

The latest is that when I called Jay's wife this morning to tell her to PLEASE come and get some of these leftovers from Thanksgiving (they shared Thanksgiving with us; don't have any family here)...I left her a message telling her to call me back because I didn't want all of the food to go to waste. When she called me back, they were playing a joke on me. She told me that Jay wanted to come over and pick up leftovers, but he wouldn't come unless my husband was here. She was giggling and Jay was in the background saying "where's Paul? (my husband)...I want to see Paul.....What's Paul doing today....I have to see Paul....etc." I asked my husband if he talked to him and he said no, that he'd probably figured it out, and took up for them being disrespectful to me! I played it off with them like I was oblivious to what they were doing. Now we really have a problem if my husband doesn't back me. Help.

talaniman

Forgive me if the disrespect of this incident is lost on me but reading your post has brought a few things to light. I thought you were he strong independent type it shows, also a little insecure, which may lead you to control things sometimes, or at least try to, and there is hell to pay when you cannot control.
If you think this doesn't speak volumes, I'll eat my hat. I think all couples after a few years take each other for granted and forget to give our partners what they need. Honest communication is always needed. I will caution you though that perceived sleights are best handled by you directly, as what you see as disrespectful may not be intended. To have your husband back you up, is asking him to be in your head, and see things as you do. Its all about YOUR need to feel important and a need to control, as I see it. I think your husband rebels every now and then to keep his manhood intact and show you he will not be controlled by you .

Another thing that stands out is the conversation with your friends about not seeing them so much, and sorry, I have to think if your husband was missing them he would do something about it, he hasn't so I can conclude that he is doing what he wants to do, and it is pissing you off. Calm down and better communicate with hubby and accept him as he is and take responsibility for your own happiness. You can control yourself but no one else. If you need more time and attention from your husband drop the drama and talk to him directly and HONESTLY. Sorry, about the bluntness, finesse is not my forte', but I hope I've helped.

Your sarcasm was not lost on me and the expert title is only a title. My opinion though is honest and...... .free.