Hello,
I really need some urgent help and advice on how to handle this.
My husband has always been loving and nice to me , but he does hide a lot of information from me and has been overly friendly, kind and gifting precious things to my governess who looks after my children. I confronted him once and he said sorry to me and said he did not realise this will hurt me.
Today, he has evem gifted her gold chains without my knowedge and has also been once or twice found in her bedroom in the middle of the night - on the pretext of seraching for some medicines which I do keep in that room.

I have communicated my feelings openly and clearly to him, told him I am willing to put everything behind me and move on.. however, I am now shattered and not able to take it anymore.

He has of late started denying things, started tryign to beat me, but says he loves me at times- I have made him happy with sex and my normal chirpy behaviour he likes, but I don't know what else to do.

I don't know if he does this only because I may say no to him giving these expensive gifts or he is actually in love with her. I am heartbroken and can't take this any more..

Please help..
Rajini

Hi,
I am so sorry to read this, and there is help, if your husband is willing.
Ask him to go with you to a Professional Marriage Counselor. Or, have him go with you to any other type of marriage counselor.
He is obviously infatuated with your governess. Maybe you might fire her, and get another one. but that wouldn't solve the issue.
Please try getting him to counseling. He should NOT be giving her expensive gifts, unless more is involved; and I think there is!
I do wish you good luck, and hope it turns out OK.

When you get a chance take you governess to the side and speak with her on this matter. Don't be harsh. She probably doesn't have a clue that he has a motive behind getting her these gifts. She probably is afraid to say anything because she doesn't want to cause a problem with the marriage. Now if she is obviously trying to snatch him up then you need to be rid of her. Like fredg says do some marriage counseling. Now me personally he's been doing this for how long ?and you've told him how many times? Oh no, honey you deserve much better than to be treated like that. I really do not believe that he loves you the way he claims or he would have stopped the moment you said something to him. When a man loves you just the thought of you being hurt will make them not want to hurt you. I had a husband that did those same things to me except it was with an ex girlfriend. Now if I was you id be having a camera hidden in that house or get a trusted friend to take pictures of the injuries he causes when he hits you and maybe catch him and governess in the act. Go to woman's shelter and get you a good lawyer. I really do think that by the way he is trying to beat you now he probably is in love with this nanny cause men will start doing that when they have an affair because they start to resent that they are married to you and not their lover.

First, have you spoken to the women about what is going on also?

Next hired help living in a home is normally bad news and unless it is an absolute I would never advise it.

And second important, you need to change the help, even if you work things out, it will never work with her still in the home.

And in the end you both have to go to counseling to get help.

At this point, if you want to save your marriage, then you need to lay down the law with your husband. "Lay-off" the governess for "a while", asssuring her it's nothing personal and that you'll give her a good reference should she wish to seek employment elsewhere and that you'll "call her" when you are again in need of her services. If your husband objects, then, sadly, you'll know where you stand. Likewise tell your husband no more gifts, no more in her bedroom at any hour for any reason whatsoever. The governess' bedroom is her personal, private space and there is no practical need for your husband to ever be in there. Any medicines needed by anyone in your family should be kept in the bathroom or some other readily acessible location - not in someone's private bedroom. If the medicine in question was for the governess, then sorry but she'll have to go fetch it for herself ; your husband is not her errand-boy. You may want to consider marriage counseling as well ; preferably with your husband but by yourself if necessary.

What to do:

1) Talk with the Governess about what is going on

2) Fire the Governess and hire a new one.

3) Go to Marriage Counselling, if he refuses to go, then divorce is really your only recourse.

Hey Captain Forest, Fr. Chuck, S-clancy, FredG and all,

Thanks so much - I am so glad I have you all to ask for help and use as a sounding baord. I did exactly as some of you suggested. I had a heart to heart talk with my governess for she is a nice girl- she is unaware of these implications in a relationship since she is young, which I explained - she has promised me she will do nothing to break my family, and has even on my request returned the gift to my husband saying what ever he does should be done in front of me and she will be happy to receive it as a gift for her wedding from both of us. While I do realise he was in her bedoon 2 months back one night - may have been desperate since it was the time when I ignored him for 3 days since he had bought her a small skirt/top first time without my knowledge. He however apologised saying he did not realise he wa shurting me then. But this expensive gift has what brought up my doubts- my only problem is I am unable to trust him now even tho' I feel somewhere deep down he won't leave me.. for my kids sake at least.. he is very egoistic, but definitely a nice person - If I don't confront him with this issue, I am anyway dying inside of doubts- I want to badly stop doubting him, but if I confront him, I know I will face wrath.. he is definitely infatuated I feel- I saw some porn Cds in his bag too recently, whne I ignored him for a while.. and I am aware this is not an emotional connection.. he has told her also she is like our sister and she will get our family's support always - when I was away on work last week to another city. WHat worries me is all this talk goes on when I am not at home , while I will be happy to join him on these gifts and talks since the governess is a lovely girl and god fearing.
Today, I have expressed to him again that I am shattered and I can't take this for long if he lies/ hides things from me- I have not told him I know of the chian, but told him the governess is upset about something and that I heard from my friend he was seen at the gold shop on Sunday . On USnday he was out for long,a and he said he had gone elsewhere... I have urged him to tell me one last time what he is not finding in me and why he is behaving this way-- for I know I have always satisfied him every way.. he has acknowlegded this many times.. but if I fire this governess way I fear more wrath... I have told her to take a break and leave us alone and come back after 6 months.. and told her I will help her with money if required. Is this a right thing?
I fear warth and want peace just for my kids.. Is giving expesnive gifts a beginning to a relationship ALWAYS from a man's perspective? Is he more hurt since she has apparently returned the chain on my request? Is his anger only momentary.. may be I should stop telling him I know what's going on.. will it be better? He had said if I don't trust him, why do I as k him.. this is now ina loop..
Please let me know. Thanks a lot for your advice - great place to talk to.. I am greateful..

Okay first off stop bying into his lies. Staying together is not always the best thing for your children. He is out doing all this funny business and you will be continually hurt by it and yes believe it or not your children will be hurt by it. You said he has tried to beat you. Do you want your children to grow up seeing this? Im not going to tell you to marriage counseling because I don't think he will do it. Your afraid of his wrath which means you are afraid of him. Get out. Leave when he is gone and take the children with you. Do not tell him or his friends or family or anyone from your family that you do not trust where you are. I also won't tell you to get marriage counseling because I believe that once a man tries to lay his hands on a woman or cheats there is no saving anything. Im sorry if you want me to say stay with him even though he does all these things to you but Im just not going to blow sugar in your ear. Im telling you how it is. He has done this one time too many to be forgiven.

rajini s agrees: If I go for counselling alone is this OK? He is too private, shy and egoistic a person to come with me

Not really. The problem is his lying to you. If you two cannot sit down and communicate these problems to each other, than that is no way to have a marriage, in which case, divorce would be your only recourse.

Tell him he must go to counselling or you want a divorce. If he cares at all for you, he will go to counselling.

I have no clue what your limit is but you have got to be pretty darn close.Yo man ain't got not one drop of respect for you what so ever.Who would go behind his lady's back to buy gifts for the hired help?And why wouldn't the hired help tell you about it if she respected you?I would send the hired help packing so fast her head would be spinning like a top!And if hubby don't like it, his *** would be right behind hers.Let everyone else go to counceling you go shopping for another governess.You'll feel much better when you take back your own home and put loverboy on notice NO MORE B*******T!Sometimes you got to be a bee-tch,and quite takin' (stuff) off people.YOUR way or the highway,like we say in Texas boot to butt get to steppin'! :mad: :p :mad: :cool:

Do not even think of divorce. He seems to be oblivion of how you are feeling inside for his indiscriminate behaviour with the governess. It is still not clear whether he is intentionally cheating on you, therefore, you can't doubt his loyalty towards you. Governess seems to be loyal towards you and you can rectify the situation using her assistance in informing your husband of his behaviour. I still feel that you must openly and cleverly talk to your husband about this before taking any drastic steps. I am sure you have an excellent communication rapport with him. You can get to know a lot of the real truth and can come up with an appropriate solution. Please do not jump to conclusions. Talk to him nicely and I am sure he will admit his mistake.
Besides, everybody are egoistic including women for that matter. Nobody wants others to point their mistakes. Its natural. But you need to be nice and clever with him in order to convey your message. Men are never used to accept tyranny especially in the house. Go slow and quiet. Things will surely turn out to be positive for you and your family.

Hi all,
Thanks once again for your messages and advice. I am grateful. I am committed I want my family to be happy as we were 2 years back.. we are married 12 years now..
I did talk to my governess and she has decided she will go away far from us for 3 months at least.. to help me since she understands she does not want to be the cause for my family breaking and has also returned the gift saying it is not something he should give any girl , especially without his wife's knowledge. . I am grateful to her. I will help her always and told her she can come back to me anytime she needs nay help. Is this okay?
Can I ask her to come back to my house say after 4 months if I see my husband seems okay? Will this be sensible for she is a wonderful governess?
I have also as advised cleverly asked her to handle my husband and also spoken to my husband saying I am hurt, wounded and have lost trust in him only of late because his acts- told him NO WOMAN will tolerate what he has done and would have walked out.. But I am willign to put things behind me and start afresh. He however is calm now, probably knows he has wronged and can't accept it- but he says he is brought up very liberally and had an open upbringing and he treats all as his friends.. can I take his word here? Is liberal upbringing something that justifies his reaction to give her gifts which he says he did to show concern and security to someone who has been good to our family like he will show care for his kids? Can I take this statement from him? I am not sure. He also says in the past I have not let him be free with this lady and have objected to giving her small gifts without my knowledge (for which he apologised to me- probably he did not have any feelings for her then).. and so this time he did it without my knowledge. Can I take this argument from him? How much shoiuld I trust him? He says I must trust him more and he will change if I show more trust. I have told him my trust can come if he behaves normally like he used to and is to be happening both ways- trust in him will happen if he is loyal to me. Is this the right approach or am I being suspicious? I don't want to wrong him.. so please let me know. I have also said some lies to him in this incident like telling him someone saw you at the gold store.. - but this was to elicit info from him.
ANyway, he has kind of calmed down - he is not acknowledging this fully, but has kind of said he will try starting afresh and I must not prevent him from doing anything, if I trust him - his ego will not let him do more- so can I forget and forgive and ask him also to forget and forgive me if I have done any wrong..
Thanks!

My dear, so sorry this is happening to you, but what has changed you in the last two years that makes you so insecure - about everything! Why do you feel you need permission to change a governess? Why do you need confirmation from others that the feelings, doubts, and emotions you have are OK to have? Have you done something that you think you should feel guilty about? Your little white lie about the gold shop is just an excuse for something deeper, otherwise you would not feel so guilty about it.
What was life like when you first met, had children, before needing any governess? Do you both have to work - if you can afford a governess, then you should be able to give up the job you have, therefore not needing a governess to raise your children. You did not mention how old any of you are, or if it is normal to give your prescious children into the hands of another to raise. If your children are of school age, then you could work while they are in school, and then be home when they are home, therefore not needing the extra cost of a stranger caring for what you should be caring for and giving the guidance according to your morals. If this is a pattern of a lifestyle that you and your husband are used to from your own experience with well off parents, then this does not mean that you have to continue this 'ritual' and start being a real family. If your husband loves the children, and appreciates the care and love they receive, then maybe he should show this appreciation to the mother (who should be doing this) by giving her appreciative gifts and clothes, not another person. You could stop a lot of this guilty feeling, and stop downgrading yourself and not feel the need to be jealous or insecure unless you have a reason/predisposition. You must define the role in your family more and decide whether you want a family or a status. You spoke of wrath, from where - your husband or your family? You say your husband would not think of counselling, - did you ask him? There are other alternatives in life for you and your children and you should consider them for your own wellbeing. Are your children old enough to express how they feel about what is going on, because if you think they are totally blind to all of this, you are very wrong. In my opinion, I think it is time for you to take a look at what you want your family to look like a few years in the future, because I don't think another governess is the solution. You will probably find fault with any situation that does not suit you, no matter what. It could be the ugliest girl in the world, but if your husband shows any inkling of kindness towards her, you will 'cut him off' for another three days. You can have many conversations with him without getting anywhere unless you get to the bottom of the real issue - and a part of it is your insecurity, for whatever reason. You seem unhappy with your life at this point, and you need to find out why. Please do think about the suggestion of both of you seeing a professional, even if you have to go to a few sessions by yourself first. I sincerely hope that you find what is really going wrong and get help in rectifying it, for all of you.

Okay I'm just going to point out to everyone who keeps making the no divorce suggestion. She mentions in her first post about her husband trying to beat her. It is so obvious that she is afraid of him and he's probably some sort of control freak if she has to ask permission and is afraid of his "wrath." is no one else picking up on this? I wouldn't trust him with my foot. Just going by my gut.

I totally agree with you crankiebabie.

If you 2 don't go for counselling, than I don't see how you 2 can have a healthy marriage. And in 4 months, he will go back to the Governess when she comes back.

You 2 have serious problems that you need to work you, and burying them under the rug won't fix them. Unless you want this to be a marriage of convinence, i.e. a Clinton marriage, then you need to fix this problem now before it gets any worse.

Sorry, but there is too much missing here. They've been married 12 years, and just the last two have been uncomfortable for her.. She's used to placating him with sex and the 'chirpy' being he's used to? If their debates do not intimidate and/or anger him enough to really hit her - she said he 'tried', then he either does not care, therefore what does he need her for, or if he does care, he's got a lot of patience with her and her sudden insecurities with a governess. If you read post 12, she's asking for persmission to do almost everything, from strangers... and also being remorseful (for what?)- even though she told her husband where she stands, she still asks if it's OK to let the governess go?? I don't doubt that he might be a control freek, but she's put up with if for more than a decade without complaints and maybe now feels she no longer wants to play that role any more,so something is making her go through changes and they won't get solved without help from a professional - and I think they still might have a chance. I am a former 'battered wife' and she does not fit into this category to me. Again, this is only my opinion and she has the choice to assess herself better than we can just through a few words in a forum. So, I still maintain there is a catalyst that we don't know about. Maybe you are right and she should leave him, but at the stage she's in now, she needs professional help no matter what her choice. I sincerely hope everything works out to her satisfaction once she makes up her mind.

For now I stand by the fact that Rajini needs to assert herself in her home and life, to keep from being run over by her clearly disrepectful husband. He could not act as he does unless he is allowed to.No matter what has gone on in the past some how he was able to move her and her feelings aside and do damn near what he wants with out any regard for her at all.Counceling may be great but the first step is to assert ones boundaries and let HIM know she will not be pushed around, lied to, and treated any way he pleases.Liberal my a.. He's not doing the man thang he's doing his thang.A woman should feel free in her own home she helped make to draw the line and tell everyone in it to go to hell!Like I said let everyone else go to counseling,Rajini needs to go on the warpath and put her house in order now!Put hubbie on notice right now! :cool: :) :mad: :eek:

This is exactly what I mean, she let it get this far, and I hope she has the strength to give him an ultimatum, but this will not happen over night. Communication and what should be the stability factor in this family should have started a long time ago - and she chose to be passive until now. It takes two to make a relationship work.

If a friend of mine had just in casual conversation told the same story as Rajini,I would without a doubt told her the same thing.The grief she is going through is in a large part her own fault.Don't get me wrong hubbies has no excuse for his behavior at all(love to hear his side) but as a friend I could not allow her to wallow in self-pity when action is called for. I bet she would feel a lot better reading husband the riot act about his conduct as far as buying gifts and giving hired help attention behind her back.He did it because he knew she would do nothing about it and didn't care what she would feel.If he had talked to her first we wouldn't be having this conversation.I bet if he slept on the couch a few nights and got the cold shoulder for a week he'd at least think about making her mad.My wife would have kicked my *** if I had even thought of desrepecting her in this way.I am sure all the married men out there would agree with me as I am sure the marrid women would agree also.Another thing that has stuck out to me is she hasn't talked to a good friend or some one who is close and knows a lot more than we do about what she has been going through.The bottom line is hubbie needs an eye opener not be placated with sex.I do agree that Rajini should seek professional help.All I can do is give my opinion and hope it helps. :cool:

Cherrie and Talaniman,
Thanks for your candid messages.
Let me articulate somehting more if it helps you all give me better/more advice.
I did first time clearly disapprove what my husband did and confronted him and he has felt bad and remorseful. Since then, once when I saw him in her room (she was not in then), I asked him and he was visibly upset and we communicated openly and clearly- he told me he feels extremely upset that I question him every time he enters her room, and that he has in fact been extremely careful to enter her room only when she is not there for searching for something- we do have a statiinary cupboard there for there is no other place- all our vacuum cleaners, tool kits are all there.. He was extremely upset and told me never again to ask him why he was there for he felt he was true to his conscience and he will "never do anything wrong even to spite me". It is these words from him which made me put everythign behind me and move on. So it is not that I have allowed him to reach here.

All I want help is to understand why he may be giving gifts behind me- he insits I would not have allowed it.. and would have told me later.. Now my governess has also probably hurt him- she has advised him never to give thes ethings to another girl without your wife's knowledge, never to treat a wife this way for these are what cause doubts. I thought she telling in addition to me telling him will help- so we did this. She has been good and supportive here.. and has left for her holiday which was planned for veery year at this time.


She has now left for christmas holiday and probably told him she may not come back. He is visibly upset and angry - at me and her I think- he is also hurt. And said - if I trust him. he will demosntarte his love for me 10 fold.. for now he wants peace and he wants to probably stay alone and go away.. He has also accused me saying because of me we have lost a good governess- I have told him this time it was his wrong behaviour and his doing to have lost her. He says he managed his office and I managed mine (we both have stressful jobs- both in IT, but doing well) , because of her. Now he does not know how he can manage - and said he will go to his mum's . I have told him to stop accusing me and said that he has caused this problem and so he can go where he wants to , but after finding me a good governess for my kids.. So I have been firm today and not in self-pity- I was doing this only to find if he really had any feeling for the girl, for if he has, there is nothing I can do.. honestly except just either jjust walk out or stay put for the kids... which is what I am doing until I am 100% sure..

Also, I want to please understand why Cherie also feels I am suddenly insecure.. he also says this repeatedly. This whole thing is a repeat occurerrence in my house BTW- a prev governess was also chased away by me- because she was badly behaved, used to meet my hubby in his office and ring him up often to decide what to cook for dinner and cry all her stories to him, and not tell me. She also used to leave all hosue work for me pretending to be ill and shirked work , which he supported , saying she doe shis work and not mine.. I did not approve this and kicked her out.. HE felt I was being unfair and I should be more telorant since she was struggling to make a living.. I refused to see this associated with laziness and kicked her out.. I faced wrath for 3 months after this.. - this was 2 years back, but after that my husband has been fine... very loving and in fact his old self. His mother and sister also interfered then saying I was insecure and not allowing him to be free and so on... I have started interacting less with them too now and told them to not interfere.. this has hurt him , but halso realised a 3rd person's interference is not good for us.. this has what has made me once bitten twice shy.. I wanted to prove to him I trust him and not possessive, and so this time gave him the benefit of doubts when he claimed he was searching for medicines and after he salso said he will never do anythign for fear of god, even to spite me, I gave him a chance and so you are justified in saying I have alllowed it . But with this background, now don't u think I was justified. I still want to candidly know if I did the right thing- The governess is gone now.. and will not come back. I will not allow it now. But I want to be fair and right to him too for I love him and want to be a good huma being.. too.

My children are affected and are also trying to tell him once or twice to treat me better- you are right. One is 12 nad the other is 8. We both keep sayign also we should not involve the kids and for the kids sake we must hang on.. but with this incident, I am honestly needing some good advice.if you still feel I am insecure, and need help- do let me know. I told him because I yrusted him, I brought in another young governess a second time.. I have also travllled many times last year and left him alone at home with the kids.. I did not doubt anything then.. and had put everythign behind me..
I have a very good job, am pretty in my own way, and also doing well in my job- he has helped me rise with no qualms ever like some men. Do. He is also doing very well in his job and we have 2 lovely kids. Hope this background helps. Please let me know. Look forward to your advice
Thanks