I feel my husband is not attracted to me we go out and there is no affection no holding hands no kissing like nothing!! It hurts me because we go out and I see couples holding hand just like they are very attracted to each other and then there's me and my husband walking like we don't know each other. It's the same thing at home no affection because the kids are around we don't kiss hardly touch have sex maybe 1 or to a week if that. I just feel like I'm not pretty enough or sexy enough, we have only been married 2 years and it hurts so bad because he says he loves me but does he only love me when he want sex? I have tried holding hands in the past but apparently that was an issue so I don't even try anymore and since he saeems distant I stay distant because I feel like I'm a bother to him or something. What do I do?? or what can I do??

Women write to this site frequently saying their husbands aren't affectionate and don't want sex, ever. Even after just a few years of marriage, like you. It is an age old problem, and part of the 'men are from Mars, women from Venus' differences between the sexes. Many men really don't associate love with tender touching and words. And sex is just plain sex, something women rarely accept, since they need more assurances. This is probably something that goes back thousands of years, because it helped a woman know whether a man was going to stay around and help raise her young.

It doesn't mean that men can't learn tenderness. It's part of the trade off in a relationship - he gets your happy home, good cooking and child care in return. I know that sounds callous, but it's true. So sit him down and tell him he has to make an effort, or his casserole just might be burnt. I'd hold off on the public displays and concentrate on around the house. He can put his arms around you when you are doing dishes, and kiss your neck. A big smooch when he walks in after work. Stuff like that is good for kids to see too, tell him.

I think you need to have a conversation and let him know what you need - not complaining or whining, but just letting him know that you're feeling lonely absent more affection from him - more like roomates that husband and wife. He may just not be comfortable with public displays of affection, but he should be able to show affection at home certainly.

How long were you together before you got married? Was he like this before marriage? If not, what has changed? If so, why did you marry him?

Have you tried communicating with him? Have you told him how you feel and what you need? If you haven't then he doesn't know. He may not even realize you think he is 'distant'.

Find a time when the children are asleep or out of the house and there are as few distractions as possible. Sit down with him and talk with him about what you need. Find out what he thinks and his needs are. See if you can reach a compromise. It may be that both of you show love and affection in different ways and need to learn how to accept those differences and work with them.

Does he come from a restrained culture or religious background? Does his family show affection to each other? Does he show affection to the children?

Is there anything in his back ground that would cause him to be hesitant about showing love and affection?

Try communicating with him before you try confronting and laying down the law. Marriage is partnership and partners need to learn how to communicate problems and come to a compromise.

I think that some people, men and women both, are just not affectionate with hugs and kisses as you say you're missing, in public, or in front of their children, etc.

He takes you out, you have sex a few times a week, I presume after just two years you still find him to be a good husband and father. I also presume he's not a wife beater, or gambler, or out with his buddies till all hours of the night.

If he were to do those things that you want, the hand holding etc. and you knew he didn't mean it, what's the point.

I really can't see what you're complaining about. Maybe put a list together and see how many good qualities he has, then under 'bad' qualities, list his lack of public affection. If that is the worst he does, consider yourself a lucky woman.

I never understand how people who share a life and a bed and problems and life's ups and downs - and, in this case, children, can't (or won't) TALK to each other! If you don't understand him and you live with him I don't have a chance of figuring him out.

Ask him! For that matter, sit him down and say, "Such and such bothers me/makes me uncomfortable and such and such would make my happier and could we work on that?"

Communicate with him! If you are insecure, tell him. Maybe it's your problem, maybe it's his, maybe you can both work on it.

But talk to him!

CAT1864 is right on the money IMO!

Was he like this before you guys got married? If not what has changed? think what he may be going through before you start thinking it's all about you. Maybe he's feeling low about something and withdrawn because of that... Bottom line communicate with him.

Another thing is, heave you stopped taking care of yourself? Looking good for him? If so you know what ypu need to do, as they say Men are visual creatures.

God Bless.

Talk to him instead of assuming and presuming and scaring yourself.

Tal, sometimes I forget the obvious

Well a lot of times "having a talk" is maybe something you don't do in the presence of your kids being that emotions have a tendency to flare up during these talks.
Another reason these chats aren't easy is that some of the insecurities you're sharing about your marriage can be pretty revealing of your inner most secrets so it's just not as easy as it sounds [to have these chats]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yamisyugo

well a lot of times "having a talk" is maybe something you don't do in the presence of your kids being that emotions have a tendency to flare up during these talks.
another reason these chats aren't easy is that some of the insecurities you're sharing about your marriage can be pretty revealing of your inner most secrets so it's just not as easy as it sounds [to have these chats]

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And so you recommend never discussing anything of any importance?

Because its difficult doesn't mean it cannot, or should not be done.