wow sorry this is long..

My family is holding a joint grad party for my niece and nephew. My niece hasn't been a very active part of my families lives, and if it weren't for me, we wouldn't even have something for her. Her mother (my sister) is not in the picture anymore, and this is my attempt to keep this girl in our family activities etc. Her sister is very active, but we cannot get this one to stay in contact. They live with their father.

Anyway, because I'm more financially stable, and wanted to do this for her, I've taken on all the expenses for her portion of the party. My niece hasn't been easy to work with for the event, but at least its happening.

My husband thinks I'm being rediculous for even putting this on, and trying so hard, partly because of my nieces behavior, but also because my family is difficult anyway. He doesn't like my family, (which at times I don't either) and thinks I try too hard to keep everyone together, when its apparent they don't care otherwise. The reason I do, is because my mother is a very unhealthy 70 year old..and I just want to do this for her sake, which he would rebut..shes treated me terrible in the past..but whatever I've been over that for a while now.

At the same time, I have a hard time with his family, I find them rude, and they ridicule me, its not really them as a group ganging up on me, its each one individually! He has a small family, just a brother and his brothers wife, and 3 kids. However, we always attend their events, and i just go out of my way to make the perfect food item or gift or whatever it is..to show my efforts. But I will admit many times, my reaction to such events can be panic stricken, I go out of my way to make sure I look perfect, and like I said my food or gift items..or my house if we hold the events. Many times..it can lead to me having a panic attack..haa haa. It makes me feel better though that I did the best that i could..but its still never good enough..many times..there is a negative comment..or nothing at all when something should be said. I've never felt accepted in his family, and we've been together for 15 years, 7 of which married.

Anyway, it all started when my husband wanted to have the 4th at our house for his family..he mentioned it 4 days before the day. I said I really didn't feel like scrubbing the house and having something like that soo soon. I really didn't want his family over to our house during the day, his sister in law picks out anything dirty and makes sure she rants about it. But luckily anyway, his parents decided to have it..and we went there, and everything was fine..I had the best tossed salad, I could possibly make! haa haa. And of course, loooked the best I possibly could.

anyway, because of the fact that I didn't want to hold his 4th of July BBQ, and because of the way I'm trying too hard for my family blah blah..hes finding excuses to not go, without telling me those are his reasons. Right now his reason is he needs to get his oil changed on his truck, and new tires etc.

I'm totally hurt, but just keep asking him if he would please just go. I want him there of course. Should I just let it slide, I mean I can't force him to go. But there are plenty of times I would rather not see his family, and I still go. I'm very giving, and probably go over the top. I spent a few hours last week with his niece, and lavished her with gifts and lunch etc. and Gave his mother a nice gift at the same time. What more do I have to do?

MomOf-3-Boyz

Oh my goodness ... Ok I am telling you what I would do... if this was just some we are going to my moms house to hang out and sit on the back porch thing for no reason ... yes I would leave him home. But not only is this something that is a big deal , YOU are the one putting it together! I dont care for my husbands sister in law but any time we have to get together with her I go because I love my husband and he loves his brother. I am not trying to tell you what to do ... but I would personally sit him down and say ... I dont care how much you dont want to go to this , if you dont go, or you go and act like a jerk cuz you dont want to be there. I sware to the heavens above I will have your stuff packed and on the front porch before the next sun sets , now you can change your oil and get new tires WHEN EVER ... you will do this because you love me and I mean somthing to you ... And if you dont then tell me now and I will just pack your stuff right now I will be happy to call the super 8 and get you a reservation too !
I am sorry but I am from a very large CRAZY family and most of the time I cant stand my family either but my husband will go to the BIG stuff ... he might complaine about it before and after , but as long as he goes I dont care !
There my 2 cents I hope it helps Dont take my advice if you really feel he would get a divorce over this but if you know he loves you and you make it about that ... For me , because you love me ... then go for it !

sassyness

Yeah I'm not that strong. and of course he knows it. I couldn't tell him he has to go I guess. But he knows its hurting me that hes not, because I keep asking him about it. We always go to his family functions, I never say no. This just happened to be the only time I declined to have it at our house. Maybe that was selfish of me, but being that it was the middle of the week, and I was working, I didn't think i could get it all done. I'm a perfectionist in that regard like I said.

Superfly999

I don't think its "what more do you have to do" but more of a "what you want to do for them personally and not for them to except you". You have to realize that some people just don't care about others; whether they admit it or not it is lazy and selfish. What I would do (yes it is sad) but I would just let him do what he wants to do. You could force him to go but he would have a bad addititude most likely and make the party worse rather then better (I know because I use to be like this somewhat).

As for you showering his family with gifts, praise, and trying to look/do good; I would just dress up/try to look good, help his family, do things for them not because you want them to like you, but in turn just because it is your nature (you can tell from what you posted, my uncle and mom are like this too so I know somewhat of how you are :P). You are a good person whether they like you or not so that is their problem. Don't "try" to impress them just be yourself and keep doing what you have been doing except now just don't worry about these other details (whether they in fact like you or not, BECAUSE THATS YOU ).

Remember, the problem isn't with you, it is with them. Yes, I would however force/try your hardest to get your husband to come along with you most of the time because he won't otherwise and will probably get use to not coming; but as for his family just do what I said above or come up with a different solution. After all, living life for someone else isn't a good thing, but living life for yourself while doing good for others is.

CaptainRich

First, you need a hug. You go out of your way to make everybody around you happy. And to what end?
It almost sounds like you're trying to buy their acceptance. Nobody seems to care about the extended family relatioships but you. That's too bad. It really sounds like your husband is being a jerk about your efforts. I can somewhat understand his not wanting to socialize. If you don't have any common ground or share some kind of interests, the conversation will go flat fairly quickly.

Make your self happy. Go by yourself and you'll have time to work on one relationship at a time and not worry about how's he doing.

Yea, it also sounds like he's rebelling. Kinda petty.

What more do you have to do?! I'd throw a fit! Tell them if they don't grow up and act like adults, if not family, then to heck with them. You need to feel important, too. Then sit quiet and wait for their reactions.

Good advise? I don't know, but I wish you good luck.

J_9

Oh, I get this a lot from my husband. Well, at least I used to. How did I resolve it? I just went without him. Period no questions asked. Left him at home. If forced to go he would be miserable and in turn I would be miserable. The stress of trying to make him go and then him going and making everything miserable was just too much.

Now, when it came to his family I still did everything, went to every family function.

Eventually he got the point and started joining in and even helped to plan.

sassyness

thanks for all the replies from everyone. In the end, he didn't go. I was upset that the didn't go, and everyone of course asked about him, and it put me in a very awkward position, I just told everyone that he was working.

Our relationship has been like a roller coaster lately, and I'm not sure what to do about it. This was just the first sign I think.

dcole

Darn, I wished I'd read this earlier. I would have asked him to go for YOU, to support YOU and let him know how dissappointing it is to YOU that you have no-one to back you up - so to speak.

Anyhow, sounds like you probably did that anyhow. It's probably a good idea to talk to him now that there are no events in the works (yet) and let him know how important it is to you to have him by your side. Maybe he'll be more receptive while he has nothing to rebel against. Just let him know that the function in itself isn't the point ... it's just having him there with you. Good luck.

kali1010

firt you have to trick him and say some where he likes to go. then tell him you are going there and take him there