Husband made mistakes.Looking for a starting point
We have been married for 14 years and have 6 children together. My wife and I have had numerous problems throughout our marriage and I am fully aware that most of these problems are my fault.
I think I should premise my question with some honest and objective history of our marriage.
We got married because she was pregnant with our first child. During our first year of marriage, I isolated myself from her emotionally. I was 25, immature and confused. My wife is not an affectionate person and rarely shows any affection towards me at all. In recent years I have found out that this lack of affection stems from her past, mainly due to problems in her family when she was growing up.
About ten years ago I had a one night stand. It was what it was and Im not going to try and fabricate it and try to justify it. I have realized that no matter how many problems we have had what I did has absolutely no justification whatsoever.
Throughout the years I have also isolated myself from friends and family members. I believe I suffer from depression and anxiety but have always lacked the finances to seek professional help. I basically have no one to talk to at all about my everyday life. About 6 months ago I became friends with a female co-worker. I have never had a female friend before that I communicated with outside of work or school or that I would discuss my personal life with. That just wasnt me. It was always with the "guys" so to speak. This was new to me. We would text frequently and talk on the phone once in a while. We did not do anything outside of work and we never did friend things like go shopping or meet anywhere. I hid this friendship from my wife because of my fear of her thinking it was more than a friendship, a thought I realize was my fault of course because of me breaking our trust in the past.
I was getting the attention I was seeking I guess but never felt comfortable with it. One night I kissed this female friend at work. A stupid quick kiss that has basically shattered my marriage completely. Although it never happened again, we continued our friendship under the premise that it would just be friends and nothing at a more emotional or physical level. I was completely wrong to even continue the friendship once this happened. Shortly after my wife saw a text from her to me and thats when everything came out in the open. I still tried to hide everything but admitted it when I felt I had no other choice. My wife thinks I had a full blown physical and emotional affair that was more than just the kiss. I do not blame her at all for thinking this. I get frustrated because I know what really happened or better, what didnt happen but once again, I understand my wifes thinking.
I am not a Husband who makes my wife do everything. I cook, I clean and do a lot of the "mom" duties. I could not live without being around my children. I love my wife and I love my kids but from my actions I do not know if I can justify even saying that. I don't even know who I am anymore, what I should do or even say. I know that the first step should be therapy. I know I can't do the things I need to do without fixing my problems first. My family relies on me so much for a lot of things and I feel that I am incapable of providing them what they need although I know I have the ability to.
My question is this:
Short of "seek professional help", I am looking for a starting point. My wife has told me the last 3 months that I need to prove myself to her but yet it seems when I try to she just pushes away, and once again I understand why. I am not in search of negative response here or "well you should have done this differently or that". I am aware of my mistakes. I need a starting point for the "now".
If there are any women who have gone through this, please give me any advice on what I could do, if anything. I thank everyone ahead of time for their advice.
If you are both serious about saving your marriage, I think you should seek counseling. You should seek individual counseling - you for depression and her for whatever happened in her past that causes her to withhold affection - and couples counseling. You use the excuse that you can not afford it - but the reality is you can not afford not to. If money is an issue, look into counseling through your church.
It will take time for her to forgive you. I think for women, the emotional affair is worse than the physical affair. Regardless of your reasons, you have violated her trust. Now you must show her that you love her and the kids and that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions. There is no over night solution. You must reestablish the trust.
I thank you very much for your sincere advice. I will be looking into therapy that could be provided for free from certain organizations. I am serious about saving my marriage, not just for my kids but also for my wife and I. I dont know if she feels the same way but I realize that that doesnt matter. I need to take the first sincere steps towards salvaging our relationship.
Does anyone have any other advice besides counseling? It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
How often do you and your wife get out as a couple these days?
Perhaps you should take off a day, hire a baby sitter for an evening or even a weekend and go someplace, just you and her. the romantic side of your relationship is also very important, but often that gets lost when kids come into the picture.
First I want to say congratulations on being married for 14 years and still being willing to try. That says a lot about you as a person and says great things about your wife as well. Most people do not stick it out.
This reminded me of a couple things. One when my husband and I started seriously dating we had both had a previous marriage and a few miserable relationships and we discussed what our expectations, he stumbled over one on cheating, he said it is still cheating if I were leaning on someone else emotionally. These were his examples:
If we were arguing and I was venting on another guy (it is cheating)
If I were at the bar with my friends and sat all night talking to a guy it was just as intimate if not more so than if I actually slept with him.
If I feel I need to go anywhere else to meet a need that he should be fullfilling (emotional, physical) it is still cheating and we needed to work it out because it all leads to the same thing.
He said, "when I go out with my friends and a situation comes up that might be questionable, I ask myself two questions, how would I handle this if you were here with me and how would I want you to handle it if you were in this situation" He said he expected the same from me.
I realized that though I was not physically unfaithful in previous relationships there have been many times where I personally blurred the line and opened the door for it. In a sense I had cheated quite a bit. He was right. For you this might be helpful, cheating isn't just the physical and maybe you personally need to find rules that don't leave this door open for you.
Second, cheating is created by both partners.
My best friend called me once in hysterics, she recieved papers from the courts saying her husband needed to do a paternity test. This is how she found out he cheated. She was devastated already, but completely beside herself when she found out who it was. My friend is beautiful, tall, absolutely gorgeous without makeup and the "other woman" was well not. My friend could not imagine how her husband would have this affair. Women assume it is because you are not attracted to them so it would have to be someone prettier right? She asked him and he told her it was because she always wanted him, never said no and acted like he was the greatest thing in the world. It made him feel special, important and with his wife(my friend) he always felt like he couldn't do anything right.
My husband and I discussed this at one point and it was a little bit of a slap in the face. I used to write him love letters all the time, at least once a week and I stopped for whatever reason. It was this conversation that made me remember to write them...
We were talking about my friend and he said its true, think about it. Men (including him) need to feel wanted. Most men who cheat have a wife at home who is taking care of a lot of stuff. In her mind, doing laundry, taking care of the kids, remembering to buy something he wants on the grocery list... those are all ways of showing him that he loves her. Guys don't see that in general. You know it if you think about it, but when you cheat its some girl who thinks you are the greatest thing in the whole world and she doesn't do any of that stuff but she is always trying to get time with you and she smiles when she sees you.
When women feel like men are drifting away we do more, and more trying to earn love and it makes us busier and more stressed which pushes you away more. Its a vicious cycle if you don't realize what is happening.
It was right about here he told me, it hurt him that I stopped writing the letters, he said it makes him think I don't want him as much... burn.
I write the letters now.
What is it that you did, that she did that was special in the beginning that let each of you know you were happy and loved?
How often do you and your wife get out as a couple these days?
Perhaps you should take off a day, hire a baby sitter for an evening or even a weekend and go someplace, just you and her. the romantic side of your relationship is also very important, but often that gets lost when kids come into the picture.
We do not get out at all as a couple. it is very hard with the children and I work evenings. The biggest thing that I think hurts is that from 10am on sat & sun until 10pm I am almost always gone. I leave in the morning to work at a local market, selling my items then leave right afterwards to work my normal job. It is very hard for me to give up one of these days because of the money. I know money shouldnt be the issue but we are on our 3rd repayment plan for our mortgage and in danger of losing our home if I miss out on any money possibly coming in. I let her go out with her friends any opportunity she gets. I watch the kids and she gets her freedom away from them.
Your advice is well taken though and I will try to make time during the week, to do something with her even if it is going out for ice cream or a walk in the park. Your right and she has said this in the past, we need "us" time.
It has been quite some time since you got married... How about renewing your vows? Re-pledge yourselves to each other and make it a point of it being a fresh page.
I first want to say thank you...Im not sure I could have summed up my marriage better if I sat and thought about it for weeks. I guarantee 99% of all marital problems stem from what you just said. I actually do the things for her that you said women do for their husbands. I cook almost all the meals for the kids when Im at home. I try to clean and pick-up whenever Im home so she can just sit and watch TV or go for a ride or have her alone time. I dont think men realize that going to work everyday IS a form of alone time away from their family so when Im not working I try to do things so she can. Thus the viscous cycle that you mentioned. She doesnt see the things i do just Like i dont see the things she does.
As far as the things in the beginning...it was just being together. Both of us have never had a lot of money so looking back, it was just us being together, whether it was hanging out at her apartment or going for breakfast or seeing a movie together. When the first two children came, we still did things together. Grocery shopping, going out to eat, etc. But since we have 6 kids now, its become very hard and working at "us" has been left on the back burner. I have met her out a few times but have felt like I was being a nuisance to her and that she was having more of a good time with just her friends. She has a very hard time communicating her emotions with me and I think her real comfort level with that is with her friends. I dont want to portray that she is always going out with her friends, drinking and playing because that is not the case at all. I trust her with all my heart. She is always around other married "moms" doing the silly things that moms do.
I want to thank you again for your thoughts and advice and I sincerely hope you check back on this thread and offer any words you may have.
It has been quite some time since you got married... How about renewing your vows? Re-pledge yourselves to each other and make it a point of it being a fresh page.
When we got married, we had little to no money. My parents helped as much they could and her father gave us a little. I worked 2 jobs for 3 months prior to the wedding to pay for the reception. Because of this, I never gave her a diamond. We just have the wedding bands. We both agreed that a diamond wasnt necessary. She is in NO way a materialistic person whatsoever but I know the fact she doesnt have a diamond bothers her and i want to say she has NEVER brought it up.
Proposing to her again, this time with a real ring is something I have always wanted to do and something I have always thought about. At this point though I want to make sure that when I do, if given the opportunity, she knows its sincere and just not an attempt to "win her back". I dont want it to be, "I screwed up...here's a ring". I know thats not what you meant
but i feel I need to take the steps towards us first before I do that, something I have always wanted to do.
Thank you again and please feel free to comment further.
It seems as if money problems have been an underlying issue throughout your marriage. While money is not the most important thing in life, lack of money can cause alot of stress.
Is there anything you can do to lower your monthly expenses? If so, there would be a little more time that you could be off from work or a little more money you could spend on doing something together.
Or is there a way to generate more income? If your wife stays home with the kids, could she take on one or two more kids from the neighborhood? Are there things lying around the house, garage, basement that you could sell on Ebay?
I realize this is not the whole of your problem, but it might be a start in making things better.
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