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My Husband is lying about money
Asked Oct 27, 2008, 07:37 PM
I love my husband very much. We have been married for 5 years and have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter. Over the past 5 years I have caught my husband lying several times. Sometimes I would find out that he took a half day at work and didn't tell me (no biggy really), but the lies that really upset me are about money. There have been several incidents where he would hide money or spend money that was supposed to go toward daycare, bills, or gifts for our daughter. The latest one was a week ago. He was to receive a check for some overtime work which we both agreed would go to some bills. I had asked him several times when the check was going to come after the due date for the check came and went. He was always ready with an excuse and I became concerned that the check would never make it to our account. I happened on Friday to visit him at work with out daughter. While we were there his boss came around with checks. While looking for my husbands he said "oh yeah, you already picked yours up the other day." I looked at him with total amazement. I asked him what it was all about and he, hesitantly, told me he spent it. I asked what it was for and he said "some debts." I didn't have to ask further because I knew it was about pot. This has been an issue before so I couldn't bare to have that conversation again. I took my daughter and left. Since then I wrote hime a letter telling him how saddened I was that he spent OUR money on such a ridiculous thing. He know I don't approve of pot, especially when it affects our financial stability. But he still does it. I have done the yelling, talking, suppotive thing and nothing works. After this last incident in the letter I wrote to him I told him that I was taking off my wedding ring and that I would not put it back on until I knew that our marriage was as important to him as it is to me. Since then he has not spoken to me and he seems to avoid spending time with me and my daughter. I fear that I made a wrong choice, but I was all out of ideas. I don't want a divorce and we can't afford counseling. How can I get him to see the error in his ways without destroying our marriage? There is nothing I want more than to put that ring back on, but he hasn't given me any reason to do so as of yet. If I don't follow through I am afraid that he will think that I have forgiven him and he will do it again. Any input you can give would be greatly appreciated.
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Oct 28, 2008, 06:31 AM
OK, lets get the facts in a single line here.
1, He does drugs
2, he does it behind your back
3, He uses money needed for bills to buy the drugs,
Have I got it right so far?
As I see it you have two choices.
A, confront him and insist that he attend a drug rehab program
B, Walk, no run out of the house as fast as possible and file for divorce.
An addict will never stop no matter how much crying and pleading they do until they want to stop. Your primary responsibility at this point in your life is to protect yourself and your children at ALL costs from the dangers in this situation.
On edit. There are many many places that offer free counselling. Many Churches for one offer free support groupes for addicts.
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Oct 28, 2008, 12:05 PM
I'm sorry, did you say he spent his over time check on pot? How much pot does he use?
Do you see him using pot constantly because pot does not cost that much and unless he's smoking it as though it was tobacco, his 'drug debt' is not about pot, it's about a drug that's a lot more expensive and a lot more addictive for that matter, in my opinion. I don't know a lot of pot users who would give up their family for it. I do know a lot cocaine users who, although would tell you that they wouldn't, act as though they would because they don't exercise control over their addiction.
You seemed surprised to find out that he spent his overtime check on pot. This suggests that you don't see him smoking pot. This suggests that he couldn't possibly be spending that much on it. It's a little hard to hide using pot, it smells. He would have to go out to take 'walks' a lot. Something just doesn't add up...
And to address the issue of the wedding ring and the lack of communication, I don't think you delt with the situation the way you should have. I honestly believe that this is only building resentment between the two of you. I would suggest being the 'bigger' person at this point if you truly want to resolve some of the issues. And I don't mean you should put the ring back on and forgive him. I think you need to A) get to the bottom of his addiction. If he doesn't have control over it (and again, I think it's a more serious drug addiction than he's letting on), you need to decide whether you will be there to support him in overcoming his addiction, or if you simply don't want to put up with the mess. Either way, you two need to talk... A LOT, and B) I think you two need to learn to communicate better. Ultimatums and yelling and fighting don't convince a person to change. Nothing you do can convince your partner to change, your partner has to want to change and to want to change, he has to understand how it's affecting you, that's your role, to communicate to him how you feel, what you think, and why (presumably the reason is because you love him, you have to communicate that to him too).
I truly believe the best course of action is to make time for the two of you to sit down and talk about this, not fight, talk.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Oct 28, 2008, 12:54 PM
Your actions are correct, and further you have every right to stay away, until he has made the necessary changes to actually, truly be different.
Your only concern is the welfare of you, and your daughter. Visiting Al-Anon, will help you understand what you need to do, and what your up against, and support you as YOU need to be, at this time.
I wish you all the best, and you should feel good about refusing to let his behavior, drag your family down, with him.
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