My husband seems to be obssesed with his childhood friend. they have been friends for over 10 years. before we married he promised me that he wasnt the kind of man that liked to hang out with his friends. he lied. he goes to his buds house about 2-3 times a week and get home at 1 am or sometimes 3 am.I have asked him what is so interesting about his friends house and he says they play video games and watch movies !but yesterday he lied to me and said that he was going to play pool with a co worker but not to my surprise i called his best friend and there he was. when i confronted him about him lying he blew me off. he said i knew u would find out i will be home whenever. that night he got home at 3:30am.i pretend to be sleeping.... what can i do? he prefers to be with his friends than with me! i havent talked to him im silent and avoid looking at him. i'm miserable what should i tell him. i gave him an ultimatum 8 months ago i said me or the friend and he choose his friend and said i know him before you..... help.

his friend is an alcoholic and a drug addict.

maida1984

i love to go out and i would but my husband takes advantage that i have 2 small children 7 months and 3 and its dificult to go places with them all the time

valinors_sorrow

Okay, forgive me for being nosey here but are the children only yours? That sounded very strange to me and I don't even have kids....

maida1984

no their both our kids. when i was in the hopital after having my second child he went to visit his friend and just left me alone in the hospital? i have come to think that he can be gay

valinors_sorrow

I don't think the problem is being adequately described here and at this point, I don't know what to say. Until it is, its very hard to come up with an appropriate answer.

maida1984

i guess the problem is that my husbands friend is an alcoholic and drug addict and i dont want my hubsband to be like his friend and since i dont allow him to drink too much at home he goes to his buds house to do so . my husband doesnt want to go to AA a recomended to him and offered to help him but he blows me off and says im not cool .

aqua@home

So the picture is a little more clear now. I can see why you would want your husband to stay away from his friend's house. I have to admit this complicates things a little. Of course the children would hinder your going out. You just want to be a family and it doesn't sound like he is at all ready. I wish I had some good advice, but I don't. Just hang in there, maybe get some counselling and keep talking.

I hope others will have some great advice for you. I wish you the best.

valinors_sorrow

I can't speak for anyone else here but I have to admit, piecemealing out the problem in a format like this doesn't exactly bolster my confidence in you.... and frankly only you can tell it like it is. And without a good description of the problem its hard to create any kind of solution.

Is the problem:
1. your husband is an alcoholic and/or addict just like his friend?

2. or he is gay and involved with his alcoholic/addict gay friend?

3. or he is immature and just doesn't like holding up any of his marital responsibilites and parties too much, especially with his friend?

4. or what?

I am confused. Let's have some straight talk from you, okay?

Jesushelper76

At least he is at his buddies house. At least he is not out sleeping around. You can not deny somebody their friends. You just do not drop your friends when you get married. A couple of times a week. Yes, I would give him some slack. At least it is not everyday and at least he is at a buddies house. Not sleeping around. Maybe it is time that you went out occasionally as well. With your girl friends. Ultimatum is not a good way to deal with things because it will only back fire on you. That will only push him away further. How often does he drink? Couple of times a week?

Joe

s_cianci

Well, come on now! Who doesn't like to hang out with their friends sometimes? What were you thinking? Now I'll admit that he does seem to spend excessive amounts of time at his friends' houses, especially if he is staying out until 1 AM or later like you claim. Exactly what is going on in your marriage? You don't elaborate too much about that, other than to say that your husband is always at his friends' houses. I'll admit it was rather pointless for him to lie about playing pool with the co-worker when in reality he was visiting at the home of his best friend. What exactly is the difference, anyhow? Has he expressed any specific concerns that might suggest why he seems to prefer the company of his friends over you? Have you asked him about it? Also, obviously you didn't go through with your ultimatum. An ultimatum is worthless if you're unwilling to carry it out. problem is, the next time you give him an ultimatum he won't take you seriously since you didn't go through with it previously. Never give an ultimatum unless you're willing to actually carry it out.

LUNAGODDESS

If your husband is a substance abuser then he will never see what you are suggesting to him...so make sure you are taking care of yourself ...keep your money to yourself and out of his direction...the day will come when he will be abusive to you and if you have children he will be nasty to them...there is no such thing as a good drunk...good drunks kill too...let him hit his rock bottom...do not be a caregiver or some one that says..." ...I can't do anything any way" and give him all he needs...they will depend on you to be lacking some self care...poor association do spoil any useful habits...you are correct to try...also contact Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) and ask for the nearest family association of this organization and ask the question what I should do...the damage to your household has just begun...early recognition of this abusive situation is good...Now, start to take care of yourself and ask yourself some questions...Do I or can I stand to stay in this situtaton?