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My husband just found out he will be having a child with another woman
God i need some help here please. Here is my story...
I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 12. The last two years have been really tough on us, he left for 3 months and we went to counsling, he then came back and after 6 months he left again. This time he has been gone a year. During this year, he had started a emotional relationship with another girl. I confronted him about it immediatly and he said they were just friends....now believe me i did not believe this. I discovered about her via myspace.....how classic huh! During the year they went away togother on a few vacations, have been seen in public places and such. In august, my husband said he finally realized how special i was to him and wanted to start working on us again....I of course was happy and willing to do this, he is the world to me....probably a fool i know. In the month of september we got into a few arguments which is understandable he is still not living back here at home and there is things we need to work on. As i just found out in a moment of weakness as he calls it he went to see her again, they had sex...I have been gone for over a month house sitting in maui, during this time we were talking really well, communicating and things really seemed to be looking up, he was going to fly over and celebrate our anniversary together, but a day before he was to leave she told him she was pregnant.....this was on nov 10....i flew home on the 13th and he just came to see me today and told me!
I am so devistated......i dont want my marriage to be over, but how do you heal from the past and the pain of her when now she will be part of his life forever. Mind you we have not had any children yet and i just feel like that was one more thing ripped away from me and us.....i will never have the joy of being the first mother to his child.
He says he does not want anything to do with her but he feels that he needs to be there for the child....first steps and all. He says he wants to be with me though. Do i believe it, yes, the tears and emotions we went through makes me feel he does want me and has really realized his mistakes......
Please give me some advise, he is my world but i just dont see how i can even deal with the child let alone her let alone the pictures and the thought he will be around her.......i am absolutly a mess right now
He may be your world, but it doesn't sound like you are his. You said you all started communicating, but he never was completely honest with you so it was one sided on the communications.
I don't want to bash him, but he sounds selfish and he's been doing things based on what he wants and he hasn't considered how it would effect you. As hard as it'll be you need to leave him for good. If you stay there will always be the other woman in his life and you will never be able to escape thinking something might be going on. In time it'll get better and maybe you'll be able to find someone who wants you to be their world.
You poor thing.
This is a very tricky situation, and not one that anyone can answer for you. It sounds as though your husband has been unfaithful and that there have been marital difficulties for so long that it's not likely for him to stay as loving and devoted as you need him to be. But, as you say, it's possible that he truly has realised his mistakes and genuinely wants to be with you. From what you've said though, it's possible that even if his feelings are genuine, they might not stay that way. The choice is entirely yours. And your judgement in this situation is much more valuable than mine or anyone else's.
Some other important questions are: how much do you really love him?; and can you truly forgive him? You will need to seriously think about these before you commit to healing your relationship.
If he really means so much to you, perhaps it is worth giving him another chance, regardless of the outcome. Only you can say. But there is a lot of heartache at risk, so be careful and be sure to let him know about your feelings and to demand honesty from him.
If you and your husband stay together in the long run, please remember that the child is not at fault. S/he is not to blame for the actions of his/her parents. I know it will be difficult having your husband be the father to someone else's child, but you can't take it out on the child. Your husband and the other woman might deserve contempt or negativity, but a child is just a child.
As for your husband, the choice is yours. You can do what you think is right, although no options will be easy for you.
I sincerely wish you the best in this situation.
Take care,
Kal
First of all, is she really pregnant? And if she is, is he the father? These questions have to be answered first. Then each of you have some decisions to make. Now I don't mean to be a naysayer but it really doesn't sound like he's committed to this marriage. Not having any children together probably gives him all the less reason to be so. If not for this potential pregnancy it'd be quite easy to give him an ultimatum and tell him no more her or you're gone. And without kids of your own to worry about it'd be easy for you to leave. Actually you could still do that but there is a child in the picture which serves to complicate things if he is in fact the father. I would very rarely say this but I think you may just have to decide that the marriage is over and to pack yourself up and find your own happiness elsewhere and let him deal with her, the child and everything else.
This guy is IMO bad news. This other woamn has him by the balls, and I could not trust him to stay away from her whether she is pregnant or not, but only you know whether or not you can forgive him or love him enough to stay with him.
Me, I couldn't do it. Sometimes love is not enough.
In a moment of weakness? He just got caught. He is lying to you. You have shown him that if he is kind to you or if he puts on a good show - all is forgiven.
Would you really be able to trust him again? This person will be in your life forever if you stay with your husband.. Can you handle the constant reminder of this affair?
I would let him go and find someone that can put you first and only you.
He made her take a preg test in front of him so yes she is, we will have to do a test to make sure!
Is there anyone out there that has stayed with there spouse and can give me some helpful advise.....
I agree once a cheat always a cheat, but i just have a hard to walking away and giving up.
Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.
And i am questioning myself if i can handle this kid....and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as im concerned if we do stay together i would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesnt have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and i dont like eachother and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that i will rule the roost and wear the pants.....and there will be very large extensive boundaries!
My husband had a long affair. We are still together. It is a tough road. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
He did not produce a child with his affair. I could not stay if he had. All ties were broken with the mistress. If a child was in the picture - so would she. I couldn't handle it. Every time I think of her, I go into a rage. What if there was a child? I shudder to think about it.
Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.
And i am questioning myself if i can handle this kid....and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as im concerned if we do stay together i would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesnt have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and i dont like eachother and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that i will rule the roost and wear the pants.....and there will be very large extensive boundaries!
You say that now. When that kid comes into the world - you will be a distant second. Extensive boundaries? Don't kid yourself. I don't mean to be harsh - but I have a child and I know how demanding they can be.
Just because he may ask for full custody doesn't mean that he will get and you would be able to somehow cut the other woman out of your life. She will be there. Always.
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