Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this....

paradoxlie

I am sorry but your options are very small. You can try to go to marriage counseling and try to work on rebuilding the trust and deal with the fact that your husband is going to be tied with this woman for a very long time. Or you can get out of this marriage. Frankly, if it were me, I would end it. You should relioze thatcheating is lying, and the odds are thathe will do it again, and again, thinking that he wont make the same mistake twice.
Also, I believe your husband has not come clean about many details. Such as the one night stand and because he does not want to talk about things and basically told you to deal with it. That to me is not a sign of a person whom wants to make things work. This to me sounds like a person whom wants the best of both worlds. So, without the trust, you have no relationship.
I am so sorry this happened to you but after reading your post a few times and thinking about it, I cannot shake this feeling your husband has not been 100% honest with you about this and the events that have lead up to this. I understand how you feel and sympathise. But the hard fact is that he is the father of that baby and the child deserves to have a father in its life - in every way possible. I can understand how hard that is for you to accept and if you decided it is too hard and that you have to leave him I doubt anyone would really blame you.

However, if you really decide to remain with him...and I really cant see how...I wonder how much you have/can really forgive your husband to move on in this marriage in a healthy way. It's understandable that it is very difficult to think of him with this child, as he/she was conceived out of betrayal to you, and having him/her in your husband's life is like a constant reminder that he was unfaithful. But the child is here now, needing two parents, so it's a choice that you have to make for yourself... can you honestly be with your husband, trust him, respect him, and respect and love yourself, as well as support, embrace and love his child-- all things that you will need to do in order for this to be a healthy and functioning marriage? Good Luck, Stay in Touch. -Malcolm- paypal address http://thumb5.webshots.net/t/61/161/...6ugdEKy_th.jpg

SadWife

Thanks for that. Although i know this is a bad situation to stay in, why do I naturally feel like I am the one that is the failure? BTW, today I found out that he has been telling people (other women, in addition to the one who had his baby recently) this "Yeah, I kinda got back with my x, but we are kinda doing our own thing....so we'll see how it goes...you know me, free spirited and all!!!"

That is news to me being as though to me he says he is nothing but committed to me etc. I moved back to this state to for us to make it work as he pleaded with me to do. So I didn't know we were just "kinda together , but kinda doing our own thing" I think it is time to cut him loose. I can't continue to allow myself to be hurt like this. He obviously is true about what he claims he wants. Oh well... There goes my faith in the marriage system of today's society. People just don't have respect for this kind of commitment anymore. That is a shame because it can be wonderful if you have someone who respects and values you the way a husband should.

Zeus2007

Did you say you had kids, if not get out. Once a cheater always a cheat. Plus he will now have two women for awhile and youre crazy if you dont believe that.. Lots of fights in the future, would love to be your neighbor.

MaxyWelsh

I believe you deserve better than him. It sounds like you have made a decision to leave. I think this is best. Go and find yourself someone who wants to build a future with YOU.

vlee

I think it is very brave and admirable of you to attempt to work this out, but I don't believe it can be done without the aid of counseling. I have a hard time believing you will ever trust him completely if the two of you don't find the root of his infidelity and fix the problem together. I am not sure I would be able to get beyond the anger long enough to even think of trying to work it out, so I commend you for wanting to save your marriage.

sazon

I am i the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me..... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and i hope the last, yes, i know one a cheater......

In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it....they made the mistake i did not why should i have to deal with anything!!!!!!! wrong or right that is the question....i am hurt confused and in love

SadWife

OMG! Finally someone who knows what I am going through. To many people, it is easy. "Just leave em!" But when you know that the situation was a huge mistake, granted people do stupid things (ie. no matter what age they are or how long they have been married) People do stupid things... I love him so much, yet I too am so devastated by this. Especially since we may not have our own because of my health issues. I really want to be with him, yet my heart dies everyday in this reality. Some days we are great then others I am an emotional mess and crying... It is tough but I didn't want to just give up! If it fails, at least I will know I am doing my best to be understanding and make it work. But I do know it takes two and I can't make it work by myself...He too will have to keep my feelings about this in mind and make the necassary udjustments and set boundaries etc. It is a very tough thing for any spouse to deal with but if we accept the cheating spouse back be are in a way saying we WILL deal with things even though we don't want to. But yes it is there responsibility to safeguard the marriage and always put the wife's feeling first. They agreed to stay with you so they are agreeing to deal with your emotional rollercaoster too. They need to understand that!

tyragland

I am sorry, I do not mean to be negative or to make you insecure. But if he cheated with her before I believe that the feelings will only intensify if he goes to see her without you. Do not let that happen! You are a part of it now. When you chose to continue to be with him you should have given him some altimatives, (which you probably have). You are worth it! It takes a strong woman to be able to be with a man who has not only cheated, but made another baby out of it. Oh God, let me tell you my story, no I was not cheated on and no I was not married but it definitely feels like it. My boyfriend ( who is my husband now) decide to act strange a few months after our first child was born. We broke up, and got back together like a lot of couples do. We got back together and were getting off to a new start. We were only broke up for a month. Febuary 2002 is when it happened, my son was only 4 months old. He had a 3 year old daughter at that time with someone else. I was already in a very immatue relationship with him and could not stand the embarrassment of having a baby and not being married. So of course to make a long story short when we broke up he went straight back and slept with her and guess what, she became pregnant! She was unsure if the baby was his, so he had to go through a very long drawn out blood test which I was praying to God for the baby to not be his. It was his! I decided I could not be in this relationship with seeking GOD, so I began going to a local church and guess what. I looked up and she also was there. She began going to the same church that I felt I was lead to go to, JUST to get over the pain. I dealt with it for a while and put on fake smiles and told her I was so happy to see her there and eventually she got married and went to another church. Well in the meantime I believe her husband CHEATED on her so they were separated for a while, and she began to come back to our church. I always felt that she was doing this to get back at me because we got together so quick the first time they broke up. I always kept my composure, I never treated her unkind. In facted we began to have a better relationship, although deep down in my heart I have been hurting from this and it just never seems to go away. It was almost 5 years ago. We have since moved out of state and I do feel a whole lot better. But the point that I would like to make is that it does take time. Please do not let your husband visit that child without you, you were there first and you will always be, if you can endure it! Look at me, it was 5 years ago and I am still hurting but I can take it! When she very first came to him to tell him that she was pregnant I was furious. I can not explain the anger and pain that I felt. It was something that I had never felt before and I will never go through it again, and my husband knows that. This may seem a bit crazy or strange to someone who hasn't gone through this before or someone who just has no confidence. But the trust had been broken, we were broken up, he did not lie about it but I felt like he did not love me. How could he go and sleep with someone else that he once loved so soon after we had broken up. It was like he swept us under the rug and then wanted to come back clean it all up after living in and making a mess. I wanted to leave him, I almost did. If had no children with him, I would not be with him this day. But I could not picture sending my child at the time(which is now 3 children) to him and her. I knew that was what she wanted. She had so much animosity towards me and she had no guilt. She felt as if that was just what she needed to get even. She even named the child's middle named JUSTICE. I felt like I was in a real life fatal attraction! I hope I have helped you some, it feels good sometimes to know that you are not the only one going through certain issues. I had to take this child home from church with me sometimes. Every time I hear his name I feel pain and he has done nothing. I have never treated him unkind, but I will certainly admit that I do not like to see him. I think I could have gotten over the whole situatio sooner if his mother would have chosen another church!
You may email me back @
It is good to have someone to vent to.

chocolatedelite

i know this was some time ago... but you see i'm in almost an EXACT situation, as a matter of fact i found out about it in April 2007.. The baby is due next month... I KNOW truly how you feel and what you're going through... I've managed to work things out but there are still times when i wonder if i'm EVER going to be able to move on... This "woman" wanted this child and she is happy with her "baby" however i'm in a place SHE can never begin to imagine... Yes he is responsible but WHEN ARE WE AS WOMEN going to say ENOUGH...You're married MOVE ON...

Anyhow, hopefully if you still check this web page you can tell me how are things going.. Has the baby been born? Has your husband been to see the baby? How are things between you and he?