Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this....

ldaniels06

Hearing these stories makes me want to cry even more..My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married 3. We recently moved from NYC to North Carolina..To make a long story stort we had problems beyond problems due to the transistion. My family lives here his does not..my husband had a affair and during this affair a a baby was created..He came clean immediately and told me the girl said she was pregnant by him..it has not been easy and I'am hurt beyond words..The girl decided to keep the baby and hope one day my husband will leave me..I say this because I read text messages and she loves him, from my understanding and his response he tells her he married he not leaving his wife and he just going to be there for his child..my husband is not a dead beat and I know he going to be there for his kid..however a selfish part of me want her to take her baby and go away..I'm trying hard to deal with it and I go through my own emotions..we talked and talked and he really needs my support right now..because he is truly sorry..How do I handle this without going into a rage at times..whenever I see a pregnant women I want to throw up because I keep thinking about this women..I don't totally blaim her because he married to me, but some days I want to wake up and it be a dream..I stand by him because I love him and I want her to see that we are united and no baby is going to break us up..My daughter loves her dad and everytime I see them together that is one of the reasons I'm still here..

Guest

I too have been with my partner for 19 years., with 2 children. and we have just found out he MAY be the father to a child.. we are awaiting a DNA test.. This all came about after he went to a wedding out of town and said he had been persued by another female.. (happens all the time as he is good looking).. He ended up getting blind rotten drunk and didnt remember too much by the end of the night..
The next day he told me what had happened... how she followed him everywhere etc.. he then found out that she had helped herself to him whilst passed out... (still keep in mind he is telling me everything!!)
meanwhile alot of the things she was saying didnt add up..(shes a bit of a fruitloop).. she said she was pregnant and it was my partners..
This came about just after we had miscarried our child....So you can imagine how i felt.. I Love this man to death..and it is too hard to just say stuff the relationship...especially when you have children involved.. I am up and down with emotions at the moment one minute i want to hit him but in the next i want to hold him...then i think back to how he came straight out and told me what had happened.. As strange as it seems to alot of people.... the truth of the matter is that this woman raped him..some might think its funny but if it was reversed everyone would think it was true....The laws dont see this as being a matter of concern...the law just would like to see the welfare of the child being looked after..

Melime

I'm going through the same problem...would love to talk with you...been going through this still for 5 years....sometimes i think i'm going out of my mind...i love my husband dearly and have been with him 23 years now...so if you wanna talk sometime please email me at

Same Situation

I too am in the same situation. I am married with 3 children. When my youngest was 2 years old, my husband had a child with another woman. I felt like I had been hit with a concrete block. The "other woman" calculating plotted to destroy my marriage; she even scheduled her cesarean for my daughter's birthday.

I later learned that she completely disregarded her 11 year old son's desire for her to stop seeing a married man, not to mention the example she set for her 16 year old daughter. Her selfishness was overwhelmed only by her complete disregard for her own children.

I could not allow her to ruin the family life of my children. My husband and I worked on staying together. She was in disbelief when my husband told her that I knew about the child, and that we were staying together. Our attorney filed for 50% custody which she certainly did not expect. She was utterly distraught with the idea of me having her child 50% of the time. Both she and her child have disappeared.

Same Situation

I know the pain you feel. Just know that it will pass.

alpsjuve

you are not a failure. in our culture its easy to cut ties but its is stronger to stick with it and make it work
forgiveness goes a long way......it settles your heart and the others involved even though the situation handed was not great
the ability to overcome is priceless.....

N0help4u

First do not take it out on the baby EVER
Second he can demand a paternity test before he agrees to sign birth certificate or anything.
Third if he is going for joint custody and visitations then his involvement with her should just be short phone calls ABOUT the baby and seeing her at visitation exchanges. IF there is not custody/visitations on his part for whatever reasons he would have NO need or reason to deal with her.
He also needs to take into consideration the child support to but that is no reason to be in contact with her either once it is established.
Setting boundaries is good for you peace of mind but often if they guy does want to see the 'other woman' still he will make excuses 'for the baby' so don't give him too much slack if he starts getting excessive.

jrseygrl

I too am in this situation, just found out about the affair in April even though it had happened almost 1 1/2 years ago. I found out about do to paternity papers my husband was served by the local sheriff. I AM DEVASTATED!!! At this time I told my husband that if it was his child I could not accept that. For me that would be the determining factor you see because this was not the first affair and he promised me that it would never happen again. I told him if he ever felt that urge again to be man enough to come to me and tell me that our marriage was over because I could handle that better than being cheated on. Well obviously that didn't happen and now their is a child that I choose not to accept. We have children of our own and this is breaking my heart but I feel so betrayed. Our marriage has been on the rocks for years maybe if it had been stable when this happened I would have felt like fighting for it but it was not stable and all my fight is gone. Lord knows I love this man but every time I would look at this child it would break my heart all over again and I just can't handle that. He is now pointing fingers at me because I can't live with it, I forgive him I just can't be with him. Am I wrong, lord knows I pray that I am not but I can only do what I feel is best in this situation. I pray that no one will ever have to go through this type of situation but unfortunately I know they will... may GOD be with you if you do and please understand everything is different for everyone and all you can do is what is best for you.

GottaVENT

I knew from the beginning that I was not the only one this was happening to. I'm so glad I have somewhere to vent! I too, am going through the same thing. My husband has always cheated--I knew this was inevitable--and had even said--"I would never leave my husband because of another woman, but if he has a baby...I'd have to roll!"......Well, I'm close to rolling.

We have been together for 9 years. Of those 9 years...he may have been faithful 3 months (I know that sounds crazy)! I have never cheated on my husband (My commitment was to God, not him). But now, with this baby...this constant reminder that he cheated on me! I know that the baby is innocent...but how do I handle this.... He has dealt with the girl (she's 25, I'm 39--he's 35) for the past 4-5 years...she once told me that she loved my husband and there was nothing I could do to come between that love. However, he doesn't love her enough to leave me? I told her...who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean...he's a wonderful provider, and OUTSTANDING father to my step-daughter and our son! I want for nothing (material wise)! But I can't deal with the lies...oh YES! He lies to "protect" my feelings..but he always gets caught! I believe in my heart that it is over...and that I need to move on---but can I afford it?...do I want to struggle?...will this situation get better? How can I get over the hurt, pain and embarrassment?

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it!! RIGHT! I don't know!...and to be quite honest..I stopped being in love with him a long time ago! But a break up of our family would devastate our 4 year old?

How do I handle this situation without compromising who I am and still remain faithful???

cflor

OMG its so hard to believe that so many of us women are going through these similar situations! i too have to ask...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN? OR IS IT US WOMEN? Goodness! i'm from Texas. i've been married 18yrs now, my marriage has always been a rocky one (1yr good, the next bad, so on and so forth) i had filed for a divorce back in 2002 and we both had signed it, a judge was suppose to sign off on it and didnt, things happen for a reason sometimes. while in the middle of filing that divorce i had seen 2 men and had a 1 nite stand with 1 of them, but i was "safe" about it, protected myself. i knew he had been seeing another woman, because i had spoken to her over the phone. anyway, since our divorce was never final, we got back together. just last year (Sept) our marriage was on the rocks again and he moved out of our home and got his own apartment. later i found out he met a girl and she had sort-of moved her stuff into his apartment. he even took her around his family. he guaranteed her and his family that he was done with me and would divorce me soon. we have 2 teenage kids (son 17, daughter 15) next thing you know he dumped her and wanted to come back home to us. well, after christmas and new years and all the talks, and coming clean (me about that 1 nite stand in 2002 and him with this girl now) we were going to try to work things out again, so he moved back home. we changed our cell phone numbers because she would not stop calling us. this was in Jan/Feb 2008, well the beginning of March it was just not working out, she got his new number somehow and started texting him again, he didnt move out but he wouldnt come home some nites either. i had looked into filing for a divorce again because i just could not take this anymore! but by the end of March he was calling me, talking to me, apologizing, wanting another chance etc. so it wasnt even the full month of March and we were going to "try again". now in August of 2008 this girl (26yrs old, i'm 36 and he's 35) is claiming she is pregnant with his son and is due in December! (meaning she got pregnant in March!) RUN ME OVER WITH A TRAIN!!!! a train would still be less painful than all this mess!!! now to wait til December to get a paternity test!! she "claims" she wants nothing to do with him, she says she had to let him know that he was the father and thats it, she's so mad that he just doesn't "own up" or admit the kid is his, but he doesn't want anything to do with her or this child either! i dont know what to believe anymore! i think he just says that because he knows my reaction when it comes to her! i mean come on! she knew he was still married with 2 kids! she KNEW what she was getting herself into and she still did it!! what for? to hurt me? to take him away from me and my kids since our marriage was already on the rocks? why? why couldnt she get her own, SINGLE, man? does she have no respect for herself what so ever?! now there's an innocent child involved!!!! ohhhh i wish i could wiggle my nose and fix it too!!!