Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this....

chocolatedelite

i have to laugh at this comment... "I cant believe the nerve of some women" I have beat my head trying to figure that out myself...

Listen we women are MORE in control of our situations than we are willing to admit.. MEN will be MEN, YOU as the woman have to keep things in prospective... Our biggest fault is that we start out with one set of emotions and then get caught up in another set...

I too have questioned how could she do this? I WOULD NEVER EVER get myself in such a predicament... Because you see Diane I care a bit too much perhaps of how my actions will affect others involved... Therefore i cannot understand how others don't do that as well...

I agree an email is a good start... Just make sure you maintain your composure and remain in control... Once she recognizes that you are losing it she'll jump all over that!

DianeHarris

Yes, exactly! Me too, I would be horiffied at how that would affect others involved not to mention what it would make me look like. I would NEVER do that to others or myself. So, Im trying to be patient but hub has yet to fwd her email to me (I dont have her email address until I get that). He's at work and Im sitting her at home beyond eager to send this email and get it off my chest.

I didnt mention that I took the baby and left for a month, not knowing if I would return. Well now Im back, has only been a week and he and I are getting along so well, he is trying so hard to save us and I know that his heart is with his family. That said, I feel to keep the peace between him and I, I must approach him w/ love and patience. You know, I dont want to dive back into argueing. Im trying to take this stance: It is my choice to stay. I love my husband. I am willing to accept what he did and accept this child. I am going to "stand by my man". This way, I'll know I did every little thing possible to work on our marriage and if god forbit it doesnt work out, I'll know I did my part to try. So, I hope he'll comply and fwd me that damn email from her and I dont have to keep reminding him, I dont want it to get ugly, agian. OH yes, and I will keep my cool in my email message. I know this issue deserves delicacy and tact. My impression is that she is kinda ghetto and mouthy. I will not stoop to that.

tamading

I have been dealing with the same situation and it is recent for me..I can truly sympathize with your hurt. My husband confessed to me about 4 months ago that is now the father to a son from an affair. I felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks.. She has never said I am sorry to me for the act and has did everything to make sure that my husband has a hard time in taking the child off to spend time with him. He is 4 months...he was a newborn when I found out. She claims that she does not know where is going to take the baby that is why he cannot take him off. I feel so helpless for me and my kids...I know that this is his son but I can't help but feel hurt and resentment for them all for what they have done to my family...I can only give you what I have learned from my experience and that is that [b]FAITH[b] is really tested in times like these. In my situation, my husband has been very apologetic, loving, and trying to make amends for his wrong. He is also trying to be a non "dead beat" dad to the baby and the perfect dad to our two kids at the same time. I don't see how he can do this. You just have to look at the "pros" and "cons" of the whole marriage. Is it worth hanging in there? Does he still have feelings for the person? In my case my husband said that they were friends and it escalated into something but it was never a "love"affair it was sex. My trust is not all the way back either, I don't know when it will be. I still snoop and keep my eyes open for everything. You have to ask yourself is this pain worth continuing and what will come of this marriage? If it is positive thoughts you receive, then work at it and see what happens. If not, let it go now before you waste any more of your life. I have thought about letting go, but I have a lot of pros that keep me hanging in there. He is a good man that made a mistake that we have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but he loves me and treats me very well.

DianeHarris

I like your point of view Tamanding. My husband is also a good man who made a mistake that will effect us for the rest of our lives. Right now my biggest struggle is that I want to make contact with her, she says she doesnt want to talk to me. In fear that she will try to keep that baby from him if she gets her feathers ruffled he asks me to please refrain for now. It bothers me that he is respecting her wishes, I feel like he should totally apease me and do what ever it takes to help me regain my trust.

Im no dummy, I know that he could be keeping me away from her because maybe there is more to the story or maybe he lead her on more than he'll admit and maybe he doesnt want me to have more to stew over. Of course he says no, its not like that. I dont even know if I care anymore, I mean it was before we were married and he did admit before we married that he "hooked" up with her. I just feel like I NEED to talk to her, claim my ground or something. Which of course he totally doesnt understand. I dont know how to deal with this. I could totally go behind his back and call her, I have her number, but I dont want to do that behind his back. Do you really think he doesnt want me to talk to her because he's worried that she'll get all wierd maybe hold the baby back? She IS in Puerto Rico after all. What if he's telling the truth? What if Im being a total fool???

When I try and wieght it out, my heart says to stay. He's a wonderful father, he's kind and I know he loves me. I just dont know how to get thru this... ;-( Feeling so hopeless at the moment..

DianeHarris

So, Husband and I had a long talk last night. He wanted to "lay ALL his cards on the table". Turns out he has known about this baby all along. That shortly after he found out I was pregnant, he found out she was pregnant. He told me he just found out a couple months ago, after the baby was born and AFTER we got married. He also initially told me they had just hooked up once while him and I were together and thats when she got knocked up. Well him and her had had a casual on and off relationship the whole time him and I were in a supposed commited long distance relationship. when she told him she was pregnant he told her about me and that he planned on building a life with me. He chose me over her, does that make me feel better? Hell no. So, he basically treated her like crap, denied the baby for months and paid for her to go home to her family back in Puerto Rico. He's been secretly sending her money every month since. No wonder we're so finacially strapped!

He admits he has got some serious issues. He says he had to get all this off his chest to start new, to do some soul searching. Says he wasnt telling me because he wants me to leave him but so he could clear his damn consience. Oh yeah, and there were other women as well. He finds solace that all of this happened before we were married but to me, I was married to him the whole time, was so in love with him. I am just as hurt that he did all of this before we were married as I would be if it happend while we were married, ...I think. So now his consience is cleared and I feel like Ive been punched in the gut over and over. He actually expects me to stay with him and work it out, after everything he told me. Some of the stuff like the random other girls I swear I didnt need to know about, it was just extra hurt, I feel like he didnt even need to tell me all the dirty details. Did he not care how much that would hurt me. Took it off his chest and put in my world of hurt forever.

I left a great job, and everything I knew to come here and be with him. Its not so simple to just leave. and of course I have hopes that he can, has or will rehabilitate. Oh GOD, what do I do? I dont know what to do!!!!

(To reiterate, him and I had a long distance relationship, we got pregnant, I moved here after our baby was born and we married four months after that).

jasmine_rezzag

I feel sad and frustrated to hear story like that, it seems men are not trustful at all! Why they always look for other women, why they do not satisfy with only one woman! I always believe that once a cheater, always a cheater! If without baby, I definitely leave my man if he betrayed me! I can’t take that! that is why I am still single! I know there are some kind of women, they do not care their men flirt with other women as long as he married her! I totally can’t understand! What is love? What is marriage? What is commitment?

Am1089

To Diane and SadWife

I am sorry this happened to both of you. Unfortunately, I have an 8-month old baby with a married man. His wife has a 3-month old and has no clue about my child. She does know he had an affair b/c she called me. That’s how I found out that he was married. Of course a couple of weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with his baby. Throughout the whole pregnancy till now he still claims that he loves me and his wife. He wants to be with both of us. Only, I know this not his wife. He still tries to sleep with me. If I didn’t know better and have some kind of conscious, I would fall for him. But I know better. I am nobody’s fool, twice.
I say all this to say that be careful with your husband. He might be saying its done, but every time he visits his child trying to get in her pants. If she learned her lesson she won’t, but if she hasn’t, oh well.
I am a believer that once a cheater always a cheater until he learns his lesson. If you haven’t shown him that his actions or cheating is unacceptable, why would he stop cheating.

Just be careful and don’t be so quick to blame the other woman. You’ve been lied to and so has she. You don’t what lies he has been telling her. Unfortunately, I was naïve enough to believe him. But never twice the fool. Good Luck in your marriages.

lnzmoody0223

hey there sadwife.

I know I'm months behind on this, but ran across this and figured I'd write on it.

I am going through the same thing, my husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he cheated on me with "a friend" and she turned out pregnant. He was having problems in his life and instead of turning to me he turned to drugs and was hanging out with this girl. He's still not sure if the child is his which about every 3 months she send child support papers and we tell her paternity test and she cancels it. So now that the baby is 9 months old my husband is finally getting to find out this Thursday if the child is his or not. *being we have two of our own a 4 year old boy and 2 year old girl.* I've stayed with him through all of this. I think I'm more hurt then anything but have chose to stay with him. All the decisons are so complicated and frustrating.... If you still check this I would like to see the progress in your story, hoping to hear good, hoping good will come out of this.

katrina27

firstly. i would insisit that i go along to all visits.
you have been more than fair. go to the visits point blank.
remain polite to her, remember the child is innocent.
keep the letter, if u decided to divorce ur husband, this letter is proof and u could bring his cheating to the cleaners.

ToughTimes

Again -- wow, I'm not the only person in this situation. My husband has been working in a different country for almost two years due to his job. Just as he was ready to come home to me and our three kids he told me that he had another child with someone where he is living. I just can't believe it. I feel so mad that he is putting me and the kids (who don't know anything about this) is this situation. He has still not come back home, however I'm thinking that I don't even want him back. Only thing is the kids just love him so much and have already suffered so much with him being away to work already. I've heard that kids do better with divorce when they are younger than if they are older ??????? What the hell is wrong with these men ???????? Why can't they just be happy with the family that they have ?????? My head spins all day long trying to figure out what to do. I guess I just needed to write it all down as I basically know what I have to do out of my own self-respect. I haven't told any of my friends or family as I'm just too embarassed about the whole situation. This is not the first time he has cheated on me, however I've always tried to make things work as I really wanted my kids to grow up in a loving family environment. I'm so mad that he has done this again and now brought another child into the world. This was the last straw as there is now nothing left that is just between him and me and the kids. I think its best that I get my stuff in order, protect my assets for MY kids, and walk away.