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Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this....
Ladies (as there are two of you in the same quandary)
The child of the affair should not be punished because of the idiots that created her or him. the infant to be, is the only innocent here, please take notice of that.
This child needs interaction with Mommy and Daddy, there is nothing either of you can do about this fact.
However, if your husband is going to step up to his responsibilities, then the only thing you can do is insist that any meeting where both parents are present should be supervised by you.
The previous posters are correct, if you decide to stay with the turkey you must accept going into this new relationship is fraught with dangers.
Remember these clowns chose to break their vows that they made to each of you. If I ever did that I'm sure I would earn a fast path to my own autopsy. If you can, I also suggest that you tell dummy that he has broken your trust in him. Ask him how he plans to repair that trust bond. If he can't tell you that, beat feet, before it gets worse for you.
i thank you for your response... And i will tell you that i talked to the woman and i told her that mistakes had been made and that, we now have to keep in mind that this child has to now become the focus of our issue.. I have two kids and i expect her to understand that my children will know their sibling and that child WILL be a part of our family.. What has been done has been done and neither one of us can turn time back, however we can make things better by being civil and fulfilling the life of that baby...
I do not want drama (well should i say any more drama) and I am willing to open my home and my family to this child he has fathered... I will say that my husband (turkey) will step up to his responsibilities.. AND I will NOT accept anything less...
I find your note to show an amazing amount of character. Picking up and leaving is not as simple as some imagine it to be, however it is an option.
The choices you have made and your commitment to both your children and the new arrival is something I hope your children will draw on as they move through life.
Thank you for being you and I wish the very best for you and yours.
Wow, I dont feel quite so alone and humiliated knowing there are so many others going through this same thing....
My husband and I had been in a long distance relationship. We had planned on one of us moving as soon as we could. Well we got pregnant before we had even decided who was doing the moving. So after my daughter was born I moved to him, we married shortly after. Before our wedding we both confessed to having flings during our "long distance". We were both upset but tried to understand and valued that we were honest and made a clean slate before marriage. A few months into our marriage (about a 1.5 yrs after his fling), this woman contacted him from Puerto Rico and told him she had his BABY! She said she moved shortly after she found out because she knew about me and that I was pregnant and moving here to be with him (at least thats my understanding as I have yet to actually speak to her). SO, this news has been devastating! We are suppose to be his only girls, his ones and onlys. It has been three months now that we've known, he kept it from me for the first month out of fear of my reaction. I did leave him for a month but now Im back trying to work it out because I love him and my daughter needs her daddy. I didnt turn around to get divorced.
Im trying to be a woman about this and am willing to except this little girl as my step daughter. What Im struggling with now is that I dont trust this other woman and him together, I dont trust her. I thinks she's being manipulative. He sends her money when she says the baby needs things, already he's sent about a grand. I am thoughful that the baby may needs things and I know its hard being a single mom but SHE decided to have this baby and not tell him about the pregnancy. Now, she's come into our lives and I feel disrespected, her not wanting to talk to me but sending pictures of this baby to our home, sending him guilt writing emails saying thats his daughter too and he needs to check up on her. Well meanwhile he's over here trying to figure out his rights and how to go about things. He told her at one point that he was going to seek legal advise and that she should do the same and she says w/ an attitude "fine, you do what ever you feel you need to do". So now he's all afraid she's ganna play games and not let him see the babe. I told him I was absolutely NOT ok w/ him going there to see them w/ out me, his wife. He says not only can we not afford two tickets he's afraid she wont show up or something if Im there. This is total disrespect, she has got to understand that he has an existing family that this is affecting! I know there may be details that he's holding back to spare my feelings but I also know that if she's the one he wanted to be with, I wouldnt be here. I fear though that she still wants HIM, and Im totally insecure about it! I can not handle them meeting w/ out me and he doesnt seem to understand that.
We are going to counseling and Im praying that will help get me, us, through this. I know many of you say "oh girl, I'd leave his ", but its not that simple. He's my husband, the father of MY child and I love him. When all is said and done, I love him.
Oh please help shed some light. Any advice? Im hurting so bad. Even though I new about the affair before we married, I still feel so cheated on and so cheated. I recognize (as he pointed out) that I had a fling too but mine did not result in another baby or worse, as I was "safe". Now he has another child to support and another woman to deal with.
Im trying to be strong but Its all so much. Im hurting, confused, having a pitty party, jealous. Agh, jealousy is the worst!
Hello Diane. This entire thread makes my heart so heavy. Such major life altering issues. If your counselor hasn't suggested this already, your husband should initiate legal proceedings to verify that this child actually exists and is actually his. So what if this other woman's feelings are hurt? He needs to ensure that this is really his child and not a ploy by this lady to get back at him for choosing you over her. Then, if it is established that he is the father, he does need to go to court to fight for his paternal rights. Have a court ordered visitation schedule and child support payments all put in place. It will cover him if she suddenly decides to sue him for back support. You know that as long as she is so far away from you that she holds complete power over this situation and your husband needs to take some control back into your lives. He does have a right to visitation if this child is his and he is sending support money. You can also be assured that once he makes this into a legal "battle", you won't have to worry about her being alone with him! She will be furious that he chose this route of enforcing his legal rights, and not allowing her any way to completely control this situation. In his visitation schedule, he can ask his attorney to have the child sent to your home when she is a little older. That will cut down on the expense of your having to spend the money to travel to see the child. Right now, you are right to want to travel with him. She needs to see that you are very much in the picture.
Thank you Ruby! ;-) I know, you are so right. He's being a coward and playing into her bull. He was all about going the legal route, and then he woke up one morning feeling so bad for the baby that she doesnt know her dad yet and that legal battles take so long and cost money that we cant really afford, he decided that he should go ahead and send money in the meantime and see her as soon as he can. Meanwhile, we have our own finicial struggles w/ me not working and staying home w/ OUR baby that Im just fumming that he's sendin her money before we even know for sure. Ugggh! Im trying so hard to get over these insecure feelings. They are just awful. I mean, if they're ganna hook up again, I cant REALLY control that can I? I feel like we're not going to be able to mend if I dont just let him handle it and trust him. I just dont know how to do that. Im feeling so damn insecure, I hate it, this is not me!
OK... Diane. I unlike you had the opportunity to talk to this "woman" because how i found out was she sent him a text saying "why was he ignoring her and giving her the short end of the stick.. a woman in her "condition".. When i read this i called her and ask her about her "condition".
My husband did not know and that was her way of telling him.. She never expected me to be the one to make that phone call.. YOu see Diane I set the tone.. I TOLD her how things had to be... She can go ahead and have this baby from my husband, i don't solely blame her.. he had MUCH more to lose because of this tangle in bed than she did.. SO i do put responsibility where it has to fall..HOWEVER i was NOT going to let HER ruin what I have at home..SHE WAS NOT going to disrupt MY HOME.. I told her she had to recognize that her unborn child had a father, sisters, brothers and a STEPMOTHER... SHE made the decision to ALLOW that affair to get to this point and THESE would be the circumstances...
My tone with her wasn't hostile nor did my voice for ONE TIME go up an octave... I was calm and very sure of what i was saying to her... She began the conversation with an attitude and sharp tone, but by the time i was done with her, all i got was total silence on the other end... I told her, her baby will get the financial and family support he needs...
I haven't told anyone about this but one of my girlfriends and my inlaws.. ALL of which have been extremely supportive... I didn't share it with other of my women friends because i did not (a) want to be discussing it at every get together and (b) i did not want to be judged...
I too love my husband and I my kids NEED their daddy.. He is a good man and has always and still does take extreme good care of us... HAD HE NOT been a good provider i would be GONE... But those were the pros and cons i had to weigh..
Somehow there has to be some communication between you and this other woman... I'm sorry YOU are the WIFE.. She is manipulative and somehow your husband too has to set the tone for you.. BUT if he won't do it than you have to take the lead.. Not only for your sanity but for the peace of your home...
I have had a hell of a difficult time with this... I do not trust my husband as far as i can throw him... Thing is i've never been a woman to trust a man anyway... BUT i did trust and believe he would NEVER bring anything of this magnitude to my house... This is where i am.. that level of trust that i DID have for him.. it's gone... i don't know if it will ever come back.. But i hope for his sake i will always LOVE him more that i can trust him... Because it is that LOVE that is keeping me here by his side...
Wow, yes, you are so right! He told her that I wanted to talk to her and she said no, not right now. She's totally playing this poor me, Im all alone roll. Which is too bad for her but give me a break, SHE decided to have this baby AND not tell him unitl now. Im going to emial her first. I just called my hub and asked him to fwd the last emai she sent him saying "he needed to check in w/ his baby more often" and that her brother, who I guess she lives with, "wants to know if he's going to send money monthly". He said ok, we'll see how long he drags his feet at sending it to me, I think I caught him off guard.
I figure I'd ease in w/ and email rather than an intrusive phone call to another country, also in fear that she'll just hang up on me. An email will at least give me opportunity to say EVERYthing I want to out of the gate. I want to tell her basically what you did, that she needs to recognize that this does not only effect him and her, he has a WIFE and existing children (my stepson who is 12) who are and will be very much effected by it. That she needs to respect and RECOGNIZE that I am his wife and plan to be very much involved. Some guide lines deffinately need to be set! I cant believe the nerve of some women. I feel like even the photos she sent to our home was sort of a disrespect to me! GRRRRRRRR. My heart is pounding right now..
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