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My husband got caught chatting with his ex and I'm trying to forgive him
Hi I'm hoping someone has an advice on how to forgive my husband. well I searched the history in our computer and he was on my space, he had one of his ex girlfriends as a friend and he searched for about 8 more of his exgirlfriends though he didn't reach the other 8. He kept in touch with her for about 4 months, they both say they were just saying hi but at this point I don't believe them. He hasn't used the computer ever since, and he did apologize and begged me not to leave. I stayed but I can't get it out of my mind. I feel that he wants to have fun as a single man. We've been married for 11 years and I don't want to end my marriage but I can't let go and I have tried.
I wouldn't give up on him so easily. Many people are just curious about where others they have known in their past are up to and how things are going for them. If you don't suspect him of meeting her I would let it go until I had some concrete red flags. Some people are able to keep guy/girl relationships as nothing more than friendship. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you actually know it is something more than myspace friend.
In your situation, I would be more focused on rekindling the fun in your relationship. 11 Years is a long time, I've been married 23 years and I can say that keeping the fun alive is probably the key to keeping the wolves at bay. Boredom is the worst wolf of all and can lead to bad wolf behavior, as you've discovered.
First, if you can't forgive him, that problem is with you. Forgiveness is not only a required marital skill, it is a DEFENSE in marriage. You forgive because doing so protects you and him from the false sins that follow in the wake of the real sins. He did what he did. He apologized and asked you to forgive him, you need to not only forgive him, you need to TELL him you forgive him and empower him to remind you of that.
BTW, you did PROMISE when you got married that would forgive him. Just like he promised you. When you promised to "forsake all others" that included yourself. You are cleaving to him and that requires a clear heart of forgiveness.
While you're working on that, you distract yourself. What are the things you two do each week just for the two of you? The fun stuff? There needs to be some absolutely identifiable short list of activities that occur for no other reason than your own silly fun. Karaoke Night? Line Dancing? Game Night with friends?
Next are the short list of "soon and coming" events...the things you two are talking about doing in the next 4-8 weeks that are rare and create anticipation in your lives. Weekend trip to Vegas? Overnight to the coast to see a play? Visit timeshares (never to buy, for the free resort stay and DVD player)? Boat Dinner Cruise in the Harbor?
Last, the short list of BIG events, the things you work towards for up to a year getting ready to do. 7-day Mexican Riviera Cruise? Hawaiian getaway? 5 days river trip down the Colorado? Week on Broadway & Times Square, NY? DisneyWorld/Epcot/MGM?
Your calendar MUST MUST MUST include things like this. If it doesn't, the bored wolf has nothing at all to distract his wolfish ways. You need it to. It builds into your behaviors some specific bonding rituals centered around accomplishing these things together. The events themselves are OK, but the anticipation makes a marriage.
And OOOOOOOOH the stories that result. You WANT to become one of those boring couples with a 1000 stories of places you've been, things you've done, and all the crap that went wrong...that's funny stuff!! Vacations going awry are considered by some psychologists as the "glue" that holds families together for decades. Believe it or not. Camping is the #1 source of great "this went wrong" stories.
I know it sounds like I'm not addressing your problem at all, but I am. You two need to get your "it" back. It's really hard to forgive when there's nothing else on your agenda but thinking about the sins. Put something else on the agenda, something to look forward to.
It's really hard to keep from sinning when you're bored....same solution. And this is the kind of life married people SHOULD be having, else you are simply passing through the days in an endless routine that would push the most faithful man into wolfish sins.
Good luck. Think about, come up with some ideas, make them happen.
Close, very close. He wants to have fun period! There should be no other way to describe life with you other than starting with the word "fun". That takes effort. Oh, it is SOOO worth that effort.
I find it disturbing that when a person is curious about people from their past, their "partners" get all insecure and stuff. You have to remember that he had lives and time with those people. Should we all just bury our pasts whether or not they were good or not? I have several "girlfriends' from my past in my life. I have had a couple of them here in my life for over 30 years. We are close friends but that is it. Never has a spouse denied me of my friendships. He is your husband. Apparently you "guilted" him into stopping contact with these people. That could backfire on you. If he is there WITH YOU , all of the time, I don;t think you have anything to worry about.
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