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My husband and I have been married a year. His grown children live with his ex-wife while they are attending college. He visits them several times a year and the trip is a 13 hour drive from our home. Before he leaves, he always says he will be staying at a motel and will call me to tell me where. Once he gets there, he doesn't call and after a couple of days he calls to let me know he's staying with his "children". I've asked him many times to stay at a motel out of respect for our marriage. His children won't call our home. They will call his cellphone but are rude if I answer. He prefers that I am quiet when he speaks to them. He continues to send half of what he makes to his ex for her house payment. I'm confused and I love him but he tells me I'm paranoid. His ex would call before we were married and tell me explicitly what they would do when I wasn't around but he assured me she was lying. I'm confused and I love him. Would someone give me some insight and grounding?
My husband and I have been married a year. His grown children live with his ex-wife while they are attending college. He visits them several times a year and the trip is a 13 hour drive from our home. Before he leaves, he always says he will be staying at a motel and will call me to tell me where. Once he gets there, he doesn't call and after a couple of days he calls to let me know he's staying with his "children". I've asked him many times to stay at a motel out of respect for our marriage. His children won't call our home. They will call his cellphone but are rude if I answer. He prefers that I am quiet when he speaks to them. He continues to send half of what he makes to his ex for her house payment. I'm confused and I love him but he tells me I'm paranoid. His ex would call before we were married and tell me explicitly what they would do when I wasn't around but he assured me she was lying. I'm confused and I love him. Would someone give me some insight and grounding?
Wow, this is tough... would you allow your Mom's new husband to treat her as such and not put your two cents in? Most likely not! I have been married for almost 19 years and let me tell you, had I had a crystal ball... NO WAY would I do it again. Don't get me wrong, I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, WITH MY WHOLE HEART! But, I often feel as though he takes total advan tage of my kind heart and forgiving ways. You sister are not treating yourself well if you continue to allow this treatment to continue. "Steying with the kids be damned! They are college aged children, surely if they had some important event to attend, they wouldn't give a hill of beans where their father slept! As far as the ex-wife and her flapping jaws, IGNORE HER! Give your husband the benefit of doubt, if something is going on, it will come out eventually, and it won't be on you, but it will be on him for lying. As far as his grown children being rude, HE MUST PUT A STOP TO IT! NOW... DO YOU NAG HIM... NO! First, write a list of your thoughts, and reasons why, have it ready for a seriousk, non-threatening interaction... The next time he comes home from one of these trips, make him feel loved, tell him how much you missed him and have a nice quiet dinner. lounge around listening to some of your favorite music and then broche the subject of how it makes you feel when... 1... 2... 3... etc. Be sure that you do not give him power over your emotions, do not say, "you make me..." or, "when you..." that will only put him on the defensive, and the only end to that is anger and hurt feelings. Feel free to email me if I can give you anymore ideas. Just remember, you don't have to be a doormat, but he needs to know in a loving and gentle way that you feel "XYZ". Be fair, you could say something like, " I want you to know that I think it is admirable that you work diligently to maintain your relationships with your children, and I commend you for it. If I sometimes seems less than supportive it is not that I don't care, I just wish that you could have the best of everything, and I sometimes get angry that you are forced to divide yourself so. I would be open to ways to close the gap with your childre if you have any suggestions... Remember, loving comment, ease into YOUR feelings, and then target the issue and lastly, men love to fix things, and they love to feel as though they made worthy contributions. Make him the handyman ask for his advice, suggestions, anything! Remember also, negative begets negative, and people don't want to be dragged down, so, make it a puzzle to solve, not a problem to be tackled. Best of luck! Karen
I've even gotten loans to compensate for the money that my husband has unexpectedly spent on surprise gifts for them. He often lies to me about doing this and I realize the money isn't there when I pay bills.
While I think you should be hands off with his former family, this lying and not telling you when he overspends is unacceptable. I also don't think YOU taking out loans to compensate for his obligations is YOUR responsibility, nor is it fair. Someone has to live within a better budget. And if he can't at least communicate, HIS bills might not get paid. That loan stuff only flies once.
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Once there, he won't answer my phone calls or return them. His ex-wife stays at the house while he is there.
Stop calling but this is something to discuss, doubt if he changes though.
I never got an answer how long did you date before you got married?
Case solved. I called his ex's houseat 5:30 a.m. She answered groggily and immediately handed the phone to him. They were still in bed. He said he would go outside and call me on his cellphone. He did call and he said that he would be back to work on Wednesday like nothing happened. He says I imagined all this because he was asleep in the chair beside her. Now what?
Sorry, taliniman. We dated a couple of years but he lived about 900 miles away (in the same city as his ex). About a year before we got married, he moved to the area where I live. It was his choice to move. I didn't push him to do so because I was concerned it would be hard to leave his children in that area. Don't get me wrong. There are two sides to everything. If there is guilt to be assigned, I'm sure I am have my share to answer for. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix my situation. I love my husband but I'm not sure that he loves me.
Case solved. I called his ex's houseat 5:30 a.m. She answered groggily and immediately handed the phone to him. They were still in bed. He said he would go outside and call me on his cellphone. He did call and he said that he would be back to work on Wednesday like nothing happened. He says I imagined all this because he was asleep in the chair beside her. Now what?
So he is still sleeping with his ex? That is what it sounds like to me. And sleeping on a chair right next to her - how convienient! YOU imagined it because HE was asleep? Come on! And for a man that doesn't call when he is away - you get an immediate call back, why? Because you busted him! And he knows it - he is just trying to put it on you and make you question yourself. Don't fall for it.
I am sorry this is happening to you. The disrespect seems to be par for the course with your relationship. When I was reading what he does to you when he is talking to his kids - it sounds like he treats you as a mistress. Not a wife.
You deserve a level of respect that you are not getting.
So, where do you go from here? Well.... Can you live with the fact that he is still sleeping with his ex? Can you handle the disrespect you are going to get from all sides? (Maybe this explains why his kids treat you this way - they still see their parents together)
Can you handle knowing that this is going on every time he is away?
Sounds as if your finding out a lot about him you didn't know before. I think the first change to be made is financial. Stop supporting his other family with loans YOU have to pay back. Once you take charge of the finances, and not be so willing to go along with all his plans, you can talk, a lot more than what you have so far, and not just accept all he tells you as gospel. He has a responsibility as your husband to be loyal, forthright, and honest. Anything less is unacceptable.
I'm sorry to hear the news...
Now's the time to decide what YOU want and need in this marriage
Can you remain with a dishonest, cheating man (If he admits it or not, that's what he is)
or do you want someone who's going to respect you and uphold the vows he made to you?
You have to really think this through then talk to him, tell him what you know about his suspicious and disrespectful behavior (b/c you do know) your instincts are right on...he'll have the opportunity to be honest, apologize and avail himself to work things out or deny everything...
But after a lot of consideration you should know what to do in either event...If you are anything like me: I wouldn't be able to forget and it'd take me a very long time to forgive so that conversation wouldn't solve much for me b/c the relationship would be over, finished!
If you thought he stayed with his EX,i think next time if he says he will go to see his children,you can go after him to see what's happing as he always ly to you!you are his wife now,you have the right to know the truth!or maybe you can ask him "can i go with you?but i will not disturb your children and you,I will stay away if you were with him" to see what is his reaction!you know his children are older than 20,surely they have thire own life and activity,it is impossible for him to stay with them all the time,like nights......and if he really stays in the motel,the children will not go to the motel to spend the nights with him,as his ex has a house!you know what i say!I guess he must always live in his ex's house,live with the children and maybe live with her!!you get my meaning!If i was you,i will not trust him!Anything could happen if a husband lives with his ex!If he is trustful,he has no need to ly to you!
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