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-   -   My husband does not respect me and never has (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=196542)

  • Mar 19, 2008, 07:45 PM
    unhappymarraige85
    My husband does not respect me and never has
    I have been married for 23 years. My husband does not respect me and never has. He will say demening and hurtful thing because he doesn't get what he wants. We are high school sweethearts. Early in our relationship, he would use things from my past that he didn't like to try and make me feel bad or guilty so he could get what he wanted. I thought it would change and he would get over it. Well, 23 years and two kids later, he has not changed. Now he tells my 16 year old things from my past that I don't think my son needs to know. When I told him I was upset about it, he says, well it happen didn't it?
    What can I do to get him to respect my feelings?
  • Mar 19, 2008, 08:01 PM
    N0help4u
    Tell him sex happened to conceive his son, does he want you to tell your son details exactly how it was with you when it happened... cause after all it DID happen.
  • Mar 20, 2008, 11:03 AM
    talaniman
    Why do you put up with his crap, as its clearly abusive?
  • Mar 20, 2008, 07:12 PM
    the1unv
    I can't help but think of your 16 year old son, you don't want him to end up treating his wife the same way. I would lay down some serious rules on respect and communication. If he can't comply I would get out and enjoy life. It sounds like you have taken way too much for way to long.
    Mike
  • Mar 21, 2008, 08:07 AM
    450donn
    This is clearly abuse. You have two choices. GET OUT! Or stay and take it. I would sit down with him and explain to him in no uncertain terms that his behavior is clearly abusive and that you will not accept it any longer. When you do this, be prepared to get yourself and the kids out of the house that same day. If he listens and wants to fix things, insist on counselling for his problems and your problems. There are lots of places to get help. But you need to let him know that this relationship will not continue any longer as is.
  • Mar 21, 2008, 09:22 PM
    hopelessly lost and alone
    Hey sweetheart, I know exactly how you feel! I have been with my husband for 11 years and he does the same thing with my 9 year old son. He always threatens me that he is going to take him away from me and that I will never see him again. He also tells me that I am the worst mother that ever lived and that everyone would be better off if I just killed myself. I wish I had answers for you and myself. Maybe one day God will help!
  • Mar 23, 2008, 04:59 PM
    girlagogo
    Hi UnhappyMarriage85,

    It must be hard. You take your vows when you get married to stay with each other through thick and thin, rich or poor etc. but it's sad that some people see it as an excuse to treat their partners as badly as they like, while the one on the receiving end feels that they have to put up with it 'til death us do part.' This is the case here isn't it?

    Ask yourself this question: If my husband has been disrespectful to me for the last 23 years of my marriage, what makes me think that he will suddenly respect me now?

    Like any bad habits that have gone on for a long time, they take a long time to break, and that comes through a lot of talking, challenging his ideas and opinions and counselling. Are you ready for that yet? Are you strong enough to do this? My advice first is to think about these questions long and hard on what your answers would be. Your husband is, in plain terms, abusive and he won't change overnight.

    To help you think about whether you really want to work at this, make a list - on one side list all the good points about your husband and on the other side, all the bad points. Simple but when you see it on paper it becomes more clearer. Whatever you decide, you owe it to yourself and your kids to live in a happy comfortable environment, free from hostility, aggression and fear. I hope this helps - good luck.
  • May 8, 2008, 03:24 PM
    depressedme20
    That's wrong. I can't help but cry. My heart hurts for you.. I fear I am getting into a very very abusive relationship. My boyfriend of almost three years, brings up my past when I was sexually assaulted and abused when we fight.

    Hit us where it hurts huh?

    You will be OK.. We are women and we are strong.
  • May 8, 2008, 04:27 PM
    JAMIET
    I just left a 9 yr marriage for the same type of abusive issues. Mine unfortunately involved physical and emotional, & verbal abuse. It's their way of "being in control". If he hasn't respected you by now, don't hold your breath for him to change. I told my soon to be ex many, many times that hurtful words and comments and name calling is like squeezing all the toothpaste out of a tube, then asking him to put it all back in with a toothpick and the tube must look like new when he's done... it doesn't work.

    When people like that are ask, told , or demanded to stop talking to you like that, they might apologize, tell you what you want to hear, but they'll go back to their old ways. It's the cycle of abuse.

    I wish you the best, but DO NOT put up with it and remember that it will affect your children. My kids are grown now, but both have suffered from witnessing it, and have had to go through therapy, to help them with their fears and sometimes have outbursts of anger because of it.
  • Jun 24, 2008, 06:19 PM
    AndMadMan
    Communication is a big part of any relationship and after 23 years it is hard for anyone to change, especially if they don't recognize they need to change.

    The first question to ask is what do you want? Do you want him to change or do you want to change how you react to his words? I don't know if you can ever change him, but you can change how you react to his words. Try reading a book called Crucial Conversations. It provides some tools that help during difficult conversations. Most importantly it provides tools that can help you control your emotions and retain control or the focus of the conversation.

    ::VitalSmarts - Books & More::
  • Mar 31, 2009, 08:05 AM
    mrsnovice
    Hello,

    I have also been going through physical, verbal and emotional abuse since our marriage for the past 3 yrs however, now I'm more concerned about the security of my 17 months old son. Although he is a good father, his wild temper makes him act wildly.
    I think you should now stop thinking about gaining respect which he doesn't care about and start thinking and planning accordingly to ensure your son has a better future. Because as someone has already suggested this behaviour of his father will adversely affect his behaviour towards others especially women.

    I wish you all the best!
  • Mar 31, 2009, 08:49 AM
    Jake2008
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by unhappymarraige85 View Post
    I have been married for 23 years. My husband does not respect me and never has. He will say demening and hurtful thing because he doesn't get what he wants. We are high school sweethearts. Early in our relationship, he would use things from my past that he didn't like to try and make me feel bad or guilty so he could get what he wanted. I thought it would change and he would get over it. Well, 23 years and two kids later, he has not changed. Now he tells my 16 year old things from my past that I don't think my son needs to know. When I told him I was upset about it, he says, well it happen didn't it?
    What can I do to get him to respect my feelings?

    23 years is a long commitment to just flush down the toilet.

    Is he like this when he's losing an argument? It's like his trump card, and he wins every time when he presses the right buttons at the right time?

    Is he demeaning and hurtful for no apparent reason? Just out of the blue? Does he drink and get abusive? Have a bad day and get abusive? Is he miserable and mean all the time, or is there a pattern to it.

    Why I'm asking is that behaviour CAN change. That you have lived with this for so long does not mean that it cannot be addressed. If you want to end your marriage before getting couples counselling, you may be missing an opportunity here that could save your marriage, and make you life a lot happier.

    He may be just a miserable, mean, insecure, control freak with no life other than to torture people, in which case, counselling would likely not help.

    But, it's up to you. Is it worth it to try to solve the problems?
  • Jul 11, 2010, 05:29 AM
    mountainpinelake
    Comment on N0help4u's post
    Good point.
  • Jul 11, 2010, 05:33 AM
    mountainpinelake
    Comment on talaniman's post
    Well - women who have been out of the work force, who have children, even without children have invested so much in a relationship on so many levels - find it hard. Also the prospect of going through a divorce, most likely losing a home you have liv
  • Jul 11, 2010, 05:41 AM
    mountainpinelake
    Need to go to Retrouvaille and get counseling. I totally see how leaving is hard. You may have a house that you love and have invested so much time. Getting out of a marriage is difficult on many levels not the least of which is emotional rending of a fabric that is like your soul. Also for women getting out of a relationship it means something different - facing single hood and celibacy and financial demotion. As that is what happens statistically, factually, if a women in her late 40's or 50's or older divorces. Yes it is better now but for women that are healthy and rare unhealthy ones that get lucky enough for a second chance. Stress through menopause makes women round and frumpy - our society does not help these women and neither do singles groups! Blessings and hang in there - protect yourself.

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