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    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:04 AM
    Is my husband cheating?
    I have been married for 12yrs and have a 2yr son. My husband & I fight a lot and my son hears it. I know it is not good for him. The one reoccurring fight is over sex. I want to have it and he doesn't. We are both in our early-mid thirties, but this has been going on for pretty much our whole marriage. We are both over weight. He blames his sex drive on that and that I have a hormonal problem. He has hide buying porn from me, but I caught him numerous times. When he watches porn, he does not want to have sex. I have caught him in lies. I have found hairs that should not be where there were and he has not explanation for them. I have only one idea of who they could have been... another woman's. They were in a sleeping bag that he took with him on a "fishing/camping" trip with a buddy. That was a long time ago, but I can't let it go. He would never come clean, I would have to catch him first. He is paranoid.. he thinks that his boss is tapping his phone and gps tracking him. I go along to avoid a fight. We go months without having sex.. not just 1 or 2 sometimes as many as 3 or 4! Not by my choice either, I try at least once or twice a month. I get turned down about 8-9 times out of 10.. honestly! I get the excuses... I am tired, I don't feel good, just no excuse and the latest he wanted to see a TV show. His reasoning is that we have a son and he needs to lose weight... and it is my fault and I have the sexual problem-that I want sex way too much and that I am not a good wife. He has told me too many times to count that he would change and has not. He says it is my fault he has not lost weight. I am so tired of being hurt.. I love my son and my husband, but he has hurt me too many times. How can he love me and treat me this way. I believe that he has at least cheated once, but not sure... I can not prove it. Is he cheating now? Should I kick him out again, but for good?
    jambourrie's Avatar
    jambourrie Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
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    #2

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyangler
    I have been married for 12yrs and have a 2yr son. My husband & I fight a lot and my son hears it. I know it is not good for him. The one reoccurring fight is over sex. I want to have it and he doesn't. We are both in our early-mid thirties, but this has been going on for pretty much our whole marriage. We are both over weight. He blames his sex drive on that and that I have a hormonal problem. He has hide buying porn from me, but I caught him numerous times. When he watches porn, he does not want to have sex. I have caught him in lies. I have found hairs that should not be where there were and he has not explanation for them. I have only one idea of who they could have been...another woman's. They were in a sleeping bag that he took with him on a "fishing/camping" trip with a buddy. That was a long time ago, but I can't let it go. He would never come clean, I would have to catch him first. He is paranoid..he thinks that his boss is tapping his phone and gps tracking him. I go along to avoid a fight. We go months without having sex.. not just 1 or 2 sometimes as many as 3 or 4! Not by my choice either, I try at least once or twice a month. I get turned down about 8-9 times out of 10..honestly! I get the excuses...I am tired, I don't feel good, just no excuse and the lastest he wanted to see a tv show. His reasoning is that we have a son and he needs to lose weight...and it is my fault and I have the sexual problem-that I want sex way too much and that I am not a good wife. He has told me too many times to count that he would change and has not. He says it is my fault he has not lost weight. I am so tired of being hurt..I love my son and my husband, but he has hurt me too many times. How can he love me and treat me this way. I believe that he has at least cheated once, but not sure...I can not prove it. Is he cheating now? Should I kick him out again, but for good?
    It really is impossible to say whether he is cheating - that is something you should just come right out and ask him - then base your decision on his answer and all the feelings you get when he answers (being together 12 years means you should know when he answers, if he is full of or not).

    If he has not cheated and he loves and respects you, he is going to tell you as much. If he has - he will get overly upset and make a huge deal out of it, and a couple minutes later, you will be standing there with all the blame on your head.

    That seems to be how it always works.

    Take care of yourself and your son - the fact that you both feel the need to fight in front of your son means if you are having a hard time kicking him out based on what you think he might be doing behind your back and his poor behavior - then at the very least, protect your kid.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:34 AM
    I have confronted him. He is very good at lying! I caught him buying porn and had proof! He still lied straight to face and I would have believed him if I didn't have proof! That happened when I was pregnant and we were both going to church. The whole time I was pregnant, he would not touch me with a ten foot pole. He swore that he would change, but hasn't.. my son is now 2yrs old. My husband is very, very good at covering up his tracks... I learned that quickly the hard way and he is just as good at lying. I can't find any porn anywhere, that is another reason I suspect cheating. I am not financially stable enough, but I know it is not good for our son right now. He uses our son saying I will destroying our son life if I divorce him. What is it doing to our son now?
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:55 AM
    How to catch a cheating spouse?
    Any suggestions? Don't have the money for a pi. I do have a some good friends that would help.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:58 AM
    I really need some suggestions. He very good at covering his tracks so if anyone could think of anything it might just help?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #6

    Sep 18, 2008, 09:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyangler
    Any suggestions? Don't have the money for a pi. I do have a some good friends that would help.


    Depends on what you want to do with the information. I'm sure you realize that following/watching/catching a cheating spouse is not as easy as it might sound and the burden of proof (if you feel this is for a legal purpose) is complicated.

    Beware of taping phone conversations - people recommend that course of action all the time and it's a felony in some States.

    I have no idea what's going on here (of course) but I do this for a living, have for some time, and I've twice had guns pulled on me.

    (This should be combined with your other post to make it easier for people to answer.)
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    Sep 18, 2008, 10:03 AM
    No, nothing illegal. Just some sort of proof! He has and will destroy any paper trail that he can. I have thought about following him, but he notices very things well. I could check his cell phone calls, but without him know it might be hard. Anyone have any ideas, I am getting with a friend tomorrow at lunch and I know she will help me. And I can trust her!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #8

    Sep 18, 2008, 10:10 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyangler
    No, nothing illegal. Just some sort of proof! He has and will destroy any paper trail that he can. I have thought about following him, but he notices very things well. I could check his cell phone calls, but without him know it might be hard. Anyone have any ideas, I am getting with a friend tomorrow at lunch and I know she will help me. And I can trust her!

    The only way to know what he's doing and where he's doing it is to follow him - and that's difficult if he doesn't have a set schedule, for example, "bowling" every Tuesday night. And then you see if that's really where he is.

    If he doesn't have a set schedule then it's a matter of being alert and alerting your friend when he's going out.

    Doesn't his cell phone bill list all of his calls, both in and out?

    If he's involved with someone at work, then the workplace has to be watched.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #9

    Sep 18, 2008, 11:39 AM
    He has a work cell. We don't get the bill. He also deletes his history on the computer. He doesn't wear his wedding band.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #10

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:11 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyangler
    He has a work cell. We don't get the bill. He also deletes his history on the computer. He doesn't wear his wedding band.


    Here's my professional opinion in the order you listed them: trouble, trouble, trouble.

    Have any idea if it's true who might be involved with?

    How about money? Is he spending more money lately?

    Another sign is cologne - is he suddenly wearing cologne or new cologne?

    Also does he come home freshly showered and/or shaved? BIG SIGN is when "he" comes home from - as I said - bowling, all freshly showered.

    I don't know what State you are in and I personally don't recommend this - although it certainly was part of the investigative process for any number of years - but in some States an offending spouse can be trapped by a plant, hanging out in the same bar, whatever it takes. NYS no longer allows it.
    DonaldM_23's Avatar
    DonaldM_23 Posts: 86, Reputation: 10
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    #11

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:23 PM
    Instead of throwing him out tell your husband you need a little bit of space to sort thing out. If you're at the point where there is no sexual activity or thinks he's cheating. A women 6th sense is always right. To tell you the truth you don't need proof, his action speak for itself. Sit down and think about your happiness, divorce can be a sad and painful process but you have to do what's best for you and your son.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DonaldM_23
    Instead of throwing him out tell your husband you need a little bit of space to sort thing out. If you're at the point where there is no sexual activity or thinks he's cheating. A women 6th sense is always right. To tell you the truth you don't need proof, his action speak for itself. Sit down and think about your happiness, divorce can be a sad and painful process but you have to do what's best for you and your son.



    There are two different threads combined here - I've been answering the "how to find out if he's cheating" thread.

    If the question is should OP go or should OP stay or what should OP do - I agree with you.

    Whenever I am hired I give the same speech - if you are so unhappy or uncertain or insecure that you are ready to pay someone to find out what's going on, why don't you just ask him/her or why don't you just leave? If I find nothing you are going to think I didn't do a good job. If I find something you are going to be very unhappy and then what are you going to do? Either way it's going to cost you money and you aren't going to be happy with the result.

    Things changed drastically once proof of adultery was no longer needed to get a divorce or bargain for support.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:36 PM
    Plant? Are you talking about "planting" another woman?
    He won't leave. I have told him to leave before for that reason. I would have to get legally separated from him for that.
    With my husband's job he travels all over the local counties. I had a talk with my best friend and she think's he is cheating also. She is going to keep a look out and some of her coworker friends also. She has a job traveling all over the counties also, but a totally different job than my husband's. I know I can trust her 100%.
    DonaldM_23's Avatar
    DonaldM_23 Posts: 86, Reputation: 10
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    #14

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:41 PM
    The worst mistake is getting friends and co-workers involved in your personal life. When a marriage is in trouble the worst thing a lot of people do is get other people involve. Unless you have a pastor, marriage counselor or someone. Leave friends and family far away, they will just fill you up with bad advice. Deal with it like a women, he is your husband and the problem lays between the both of you.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyangler
    plant? Are you talking about "planting" another woman?
    He won't leave. I have told him to leave before for that reason. I would have to get legally separated from him for that.
    With my husband's job he travels all over the local counties. I had a talk with my best friend and she think's he is cheating also. She is going to keep a look out and some of her coworker friends also. She has a job traveling all over the counties also, but a totally different job than my husband's. I know I can trust her 100%.


    Right. Sorry about that. At one time an attractive woman would sit wherever the suspected cheating husband was, start a conversation, see where it went. She was paid to be there.

    I don't know this was ever done in reverse - for wives suspected to be cheating.

    This is also the stuff of TV but it did happen at one time.

    I believe - and my Canadian cohorts can probably confirm this - this is still legal in Canada.

    If you are unhappy and he won't talk about it, why don't you file for a legal separation? Or is there some reason - religious or otherwise - that you don't want to do that - ?
    DonaldM_23's Avatar
    DonaldM_23 Posts: 86, Reputation: 10
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    #16

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:49 PM
    Buy setting your husband up, what will that prove? Instead of trying to find fault and evidence. You need to find what's best for you.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #17

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:50 PM
    If that's the case.. why am I on here asking for advice? My friend is also like a sister. We grew up together. Now my mom on the other hand... NO I will not get her involved or any other family member or friend. You're right I need some help from someone. My friend is all that I got. As I stated before, he will not go to marriage counselor. Our pastor is his Uncle... his dad's brother! He will not go there either. I am the only one in this marriage that will confess that there is a problem.
    DonaldM_23's Avatar
    DonaldM_23 Posts: 86, Reputation: 10
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    #18

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:54 PM
    Wow... I think a separation is needed right now.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #19

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:55 PM
    I am very religious. I believe it is a sin to get divorced and unsure if it is okay to remarry. I get told by my husband and his parents that divorce is a sin and if you remarry after divorce then you are commenting adultery unless your original spouse is dead. I don't think a plant would work with him. He is very cautious and sly.
    ladyangler's Avatar
    ladyangler Posts: 22, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Sep 18, 2008, 12:59 PM
    Sorry, DonaldM_23. I didn't mean to come off sounding harsh. I know you are trying to help. I do understand what you are saying and appreciate you replys.

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