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Last September my husband and I went to see a social worker about taking his ex to court for custody of his children. He found out that he could take them that day if he wanted to. So we drove home and he went and picked up his kids and we went from a family of two with a brand new baby to a family of five with two boys aged 4 and 5. He never consulted with me about it. He never asked how I felt and how we could make it easier for me to deal with. I had hardly ever seen these kids before that and all of the sudden they were living with me. We couldn't even afford to have these kids living with us so money is very tight now. I was so unprepared and I've had a very difficult time with the boys. I hate to say it, but I don't like them. I'm angry at my husband for what happened. The worst thing about it is that I can't talk to him about how I feel. I try to tell him that I'm having a hard time and he gets very upset, telling me that I'm being selfish and that I'm the problem. I can't take it anymore. How do I discuss this with him? If we don't fix things soon, I think I'm going to have to leave. I've been so unhappy and angry. I don't know what to do. How do I talk about how I feel if he doesn't want to listen??
First you have to talk to him about being open and honest about what how he feels and then how you feel. Keeping in mind that you should also try to understand his situation and perhaps you two may find a way to solve this situation. A marriage is some thing you work at and may require some adjustments on both sides. Communication is the key ingredient.
You were with him when you went the social worker, so you had to have known what he was aringing, ( note from your post last sept my husband and I went)
and I am sorry I am going with your husband, this is his children, and he loves them ( and should love them) as much as he loves the kids he has with you. You can not make him chose, and it is selfish not to want him to have his kids with him.
Sorry but so you tighten the budget, you do without cable TV and you eat mac and cheese two nights a week.
And to be honest if you leave because he wants to be a good father, he is better off without you.
So you are unhappy about it, there is nothing to do since you have his kids there and it should be that way if he wants them. So really you need to find ways to deal with it.
Losingthe battle,,,there are many different counseling services that you can go to that will help you and your husband work this out. They charge on your ability to pay so if you are really in a tight with money now I don't see that there prices would be any reason not to go. I can see where you are overwhelmed by these new additions to your family, I can also understand that part of your problem with the two new boys is the fact that you have just had a baby and even thought you don't realize it you could be suffering from postnatal depression, this should also be discussed with your Dr.
Please contact one of the helping agencies before you just decide to leave, it might be worth a try. Good Luck
WOW losing... that is an UNIMAGINABLE predicament to be in. I'm torn about the answers you have received and I think I agree with PARTS of all of them:
- Communication is important but your husband has to be willing to listen and share in making things better for everyone, not just his children. You are a vital part of the family too and your happiness should be as important to him as his childrens happiness.
-They ARE his kids and you promised to love him through good times and bad... To make him choose would be to dishonor the vow you made to him when you married. You really do have to find a way to deal with it or you will leave and it wont really solve anything coz YOUR baby will then not have a Dad around.
-Counselling is good also but once again if your husband doesnt see it as a problem he has as much as one you have its hard to convince him to go.
Maybe you can find some kind of group or counselling for yourself. Some kind of way to help YOU deal with the situation so you dont lose yourself but gain a family. Like Al-Anon for families of alcoholics, You learn the deal with the situation even if you are the only one admitting that there is a situation.
I'm sorry Im not terribly helpful. I just wanted you to know there are people that feel your pain. My husbands kids don't live with us (THANK GOD) and I don't like them either, but they are his and to love him is to accept all who come with.
When I went to the social worker with my husband, neither of us knew that he was going to be able to get the kids that day. He just wanted to go in and get the necessary paperwork to serve his ex. I knew that the kids would be living with us eventually but neither of us were expecting them that very day. We were both totally unprepared for it. Thank you for your input. I don't want my marriage to end because of my unhappiness, especially if it's something that's fixable.
anything is fixable, but it takes alot of work, and often seems worst as it gets better.
blending a mixed family often never gets great, and is a tag team cage match at best. ( or seems like it) We went from a family of 4 to a family of 6 overnight when my first wife died. We had a 2 bedroom home, we bought plywood and used large sheets of cardboard even and made two more bedrooms in a rough basement and added a toilet and show that I am sure violated every building code in the city.
We learned how to made make money go far, and got some free commodities and food stamps for a while with a large family and low income. * things to always check out.
We also learned all sorts of ways to save money, my kids were in their latter teens before they did not think bag day at the Goodwill was not something everyone did.
And add that when they were teens, we took in a couple extra teens who were turned out of thier foster homes before they finished high school just because they turned 18 and the money for foster kids stoped, even though they were in high school still.
I learned not to question the fact that my chili dog may not have the dog in it, so the kids could have thiers.
anything is fixable, but it takes alot of work, and often seems worst as it gets better.
blending a mixed family often never gets great, and is a tag team cage match at best. ( or seems like it) We went from a family of 4 to a family of 6 overnight when my first wife died. We had a 2 bedroom home, we bought plywood and used large sheets of cardboard even and made two more bedrooms in a rough basement and added a toilet and show that I am sure violated every building code in the city.
We learned how to made make money go far, and got some free commodities and food stamps for a while with a large family and low income. * things to always check out.
We also learned all sorts of ways to save money, my kids were in their latter teens before they did not think bag day at the Goodwill was not something everyone did.
And add that when they were teens, we took in a couple extra teens who were turned out of thier foster homes before they finished high school just because they turned 18 and the money for foster kids stoped, even though they were in high school still.
I learned not to question the fact that my chili dog may not have the dog in it, so the kids could have thiers.
I dunno Fr Chuck... what you say is 100% on the ball but Im not sure her biggest problem is how to make ends meet but how to express her feelings of anger and concern to her husband who seems to have the "you're the problem" attitude. Yes, the money matters but in reading her initial question and the response later it seems to me that there is more than that. If my husbands kids came to live with us money would be tight but we'd manage, but if he suddenly came home with them tomorrow and said they were living with us and we hadnt even TALKED and planned for it, I would be more than a little upset! Not because the money would have to spread further but because I feel like as his partner I should have been part of the process that affects me just as much as it affects them. Not to do so is just plain inconsiderate. Yes the kids have to be there, but there is a right and a wrong way to do things and a pre-emptive conversation would have gone a long way in showing mutual respect.
I do understand what you're saying though. When I was a single parent of three I did the "Ramen Noodle Diet" more than once in a while so the kids could have the chicken and rice. I just learned to put an egg in it for protein!
Forgive me if I repeat anyone else's advice, I simply read the question, not the answers. My advice is family counseling. You all have to learn to blend as one group. Step-families are difficult. You have come to resent at least 2 of his children already. He is beginning to resent you for feeling like you are not supportive. I highly urge you all to attend family therapy. There you can talk about your feelings and so can he. The kids may have some things to share as well. A therapist can help you create open communication, and guide you as to how to best approach putting all the pieces together in your lives. I am afraid that if you don't try this, your marriage is doomed. As far as finances go, with that many kids, it will be tight, but not impossible. Where is their mom? Does she pay child support? Sue for it.
I have to agree with Chuck here. I really don't think you should be so angry with your ex. You obviously DID discuss his kids living with you. So you had to be prepared that it might happen. Maybe he felt that if he didn't take them when offered he might not get them at all. And since you had discussed it and he assumed you were in agreement and you love him, its not a stretch for him to assume you would be OK with it.
I do recommend counseling, but I think you need to see someone separately to resolve your anger about something you had agreed to.
I don't want my marriage to end because of my unhappiness, especially if it's something that's fixable.
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