Last September my husband and I went to see a social worker about taking his ex to court for custody of his children. He found out that he could take them that day if he wanted to. So we drove home and he went and picked up his kids and we went from a family of two with a brand new baby to a family of five with two boys aged 4 and 5. He never consulted with me about it. He never asked how I felt and how we could make it easier for me to deal with. I had hardly ever seen these kids before that and all of the sudden they were living with me. We couldn't even afford to have these kids living with us so money is very tight now. I was so unprepared and I've had a very difficult time with the boys. I hate to say it, but I don't like them. I'm angry at my husband for what happened. The worst thing about it is that I can't talk to him about how I feel. I try to tell him that I'm having a hard time and he gets very upset, telling me that I'm being selfish and that I'm the problem. I can't take it anymore. How do I discuss this with him? If we don't fix things soon, I think I'm going to have to leave. I've been so unhappy and angry. I don't know what to do. How do I talk about how I feel if he doesn't want to listen??
Thank you. I agree with all of you. You have offered some very good points. As to where their mother is in all of this, she has stated that she doesn't want them anymore so my husband is in the process of forcing her to pay child support. It's awful that she doesn't want to see her own kids and it makes me feel awful that I'm the new mother figure and I'm having so much difficulty with it. I'm definitely going to try counseling. I'm going to go alone first and then my husband and I will go together.
To nottheonlycluelesstexan, thank you for your support. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that you understand how I feel.
i think that u should just get over it and realise that this is his children and that trying to put up this position that 'its them or me' is stupid. if u love him then you will stay with him, andif you dont love his kids then atleast grow to tolerate them and care for them, very sorry to say it but when it comes to a parents choice between the children he brought into the world and the new partner (depending on how long you have been together) the only realistic choice he can make is too keep the children, and if he didnt choose the kids over you in the end wouldn't you in the end judge him for this and question the love he would have for the children that the two of you would have?
I am sure she is aware they are his kids, and it is clear he won't turn his back on them, but "Get over it" doesn't seem helpful to me. Her husband also needs to make concessions and allow time not just for his children, but also for his wife to adjust. It can't be done by one of them alone, it takes two people to make a marriage work, and this is a marriage under extreme circumstances. Most of us go into it knowing what we are going to get. While I agree she was aware he was going after his kids at some point, these may not have been the conditions under which they met and married. I also see she did go with him so must have wanted to support him. I don't think she lacks that same support in him now, I think she is finding it difficult to put these two previously separate families together. i think with a little help, and with she and her husband working together, this could turn out to be a blessing for them.
I dont think you are putting up a a its them ir its me, Youa re trying to talk to him about it and that you just weren't prepared and are confused and slightly angry.
Did you actually tell him that you didnt want them in your house or did you just say that you werent prepared for them and that money is low. I dont really know much about this as its not happened to anybody I know, My advice is maybe to have a parents night where the kids have to stay downstairs and behave (or some punishment) and you two go upstairs and talk to eachother, my parents fought quite a bit and thought about breaking up but them they introduced this and it just let them calm down after stressful work or a day at home.
I think as you knew it was coming you and your husband should have thought through the financials of having them live with you for the long term.. Ya, but this is life and things never work out that way.. It was a suprise that the boys moved in that day and some time earlier than anticipated. I think it would have been a decent gesture on your husband's part to at least sit down with you and dicuss it once he went to get them or after he came home, but again, this is real life and that never happens.
You don't have to like your stepchildren in my opinion, however, you will need to team up with your husband to determine what the ground rules are going to be. They are his children and alway will be and he needs to make sure that you all have a unified front on all topics regarding them or you will really resent them. Such as, who will discipline them, who will pick up after them, how do balance activities now that there are three etc.. All of these things should be dicussed and laid out soon before the precendent is set.
Try to get to a couselor, the both of you, and get a professional mediator who can help you communicate what you are feeling withouth him feeling as though he is being attacked.
I think its kind of fair to say that she knew he had kids when she married him. Yes that is true but "having kids live with you" and "having kids" is two totally different things. I think the whole subject should have been discussed way before the day they went to the social worker. Its quite obvious that wasnt completely discussed from every aspect of babysitters, who does what etc.
you went with him to the social worker... so I wonder whether it was as completely out of the blue as it sounds..... I can imagine you are not happy with the situation, but for a man to take his ex to court and try to get custody makes me think that your husband sounds like a good father.... it's not a matter of liking those kids... they are 4 and 5... they need to feel emotionally safe... they are just children... how would they feel ? .... money tight.. well, you are married and I guess you guys have to make the best of it although it does sound hard... but there are children involved.... anger does not help you nor your family ... right ?
The worst thing about it is that I can't talk to him about how I feel. I try to tell him that I'm having a hard time and he gets very upset, telling me that I'm being selfish and that I'm the problem. I can't take it anymore. How do I discuss this with him?
I think your husbands attitude is what is making this situation worse than it needs to be, and I know this is a very tough situation. I think eventually you will adjust, and thrive but for now it seems there is a glitch in the communications between you and him. I understand the frustration, and what you feel is a lack of support from him. I think a counselor is what you need to guide you thru this process to learn how to approach you husband and get his emotional support at least. In the mean time you must deal with this, and remember to take time for yourself to unstress and let hubbywatch his children while you get some you time, or involve yourself in something that allows you to vent those frustrations. While I admire him for doing the right thing by his kids, he still must do the right thing by you also.
what if the mother had died? i know... its not the case... but thats just a part of being a parent, whether you are together or not. you are responsible for your children if you are worth your weight as a parent.
i dont know why it had to be that day.... i do think he should be willing to talk to you more about this.... but he obviously feels he needs to be there for his kids.
he does have a responsibility to you to plan financially and emotionally so this can work... so his failure to talk to you is a problem.
so... hopefully you both can get to a place where you hear each other. kids need their parents. spouses need to communicate and compromise.
Just to clarify, it was never a "it's them or me" situation. I would never ask him to choose between me and his children. You have all offered such great ideas, advice, and thoughts on the problem. What I want from him is to be more understanding of how I feel and realize that I need him just as much as these children do, and that my happiness is important too. I think that when I'm happier, we'll all be happier. I totally agree with the counseling and I am currently looking into it.
I don't want to be the "wicked witch" stepmother. I want to be a friend to these kids, someone they feel safe with and have fun with, but I also want them to know that they need to listen to me and that ignoring the rules when I'm looking after them and dad's not there is definitely not okay. So we have lots to work on. Thanks.
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