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    Husband caught cheating with his Cousin.

    Asked Nov 14, 2011, 10:49 AM 51 Answers
    Need help.

    Last October, we had my husband's (orphaned, 18 yr old) cousin move in. Her mom passed 8yrs ago, dad passed this year. Both parents were heroin addicts, and she had been living with her aunt. Cousin got into a huge fight, was hit by the aunt, who in turn threw her out. From day one, it was a struggle.

    This June, I found out they were sleeping together. I don't know when it started, but I do think it ended in July. Husband (50) cheated in the past, with MY niece. (6 yrs ago) I need help, part of me does feel like I want to stay. We've been married 32 yrs. have been together 33 yrs. and have a 32 yr old son.

    I know that I should leave, I don't know why I allow him to hurt me. Or, am I allowing the hurt to happen? Husband said he will never hurt me again, and promised to do everything to earn my love again.

    I told him I don't love him. I have a divorce attorney. Husband was just put on staff with an excellent job. I need input.

    Last edited by CliffARobinson; Nov 15, 2011 at 01:35 PM.
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    51 Answers
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 821
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    #2

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:18 AM
    Well first let me tell you I'm sorry to hear this, but lady you need to get out! He not only cheated on you, but he chose YOUR family member to start an affair with. How old was your niece? Now he is choosing HIS family to have sex with? This man has some deep routed issues. In my opinion if he is having incestuous affairs, how far is too far? Will he ever stop? Those are two extremes, and to me, it's not about him wanting to hurt you, he doesn't care if you get hurt, it's about him getting his jollies off with whom ever he can!

    You basically have two choices. 1. Go to counseling, and work on things, always wonder in the back of your mind anytime there is family or friends around what he is up to or 2. Leave him and start a life about YOU. No one deserves to be hurt like that, and until you start realizing you deserve better, you won't get better.
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:31 AM
    Thank you for your unput. I know that I don't love him. It's so hard being with someone for so long, and all the history. I don't have $, and that is the main problem. I know I deserve better. I'm looking for a counselor. I'm so heartbroken- again. The truth is, I think he will do it again. That's my true feelings. He keeps begging me to prove that he loves me. But, I told him if you loved me these things would never happen.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 821
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    #4

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:38 AM
    You are right, he wouldn't have done that to you. When you say you don't have the money, do you mean you don't have enough money to move out on your own? Are you employed? What about staying with family or friends until you get your feet on the ground. You are only going to make yourself miserable by staying with a man you don't love. And how COULD you love someone who has hurt you so bad. Leaving is one of the hardest things to do. You get overwhelmed with regret, sorrow, confusion... But those are th enormal emotions you go through, and having a couselor on your side to help you work through them is really important. You mentioned that he just started a new well paying job, did you mention that as a reason to stay? Deep down if you know you can't trust him, then how could you be happy if you stayed?
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:51 AM
    Yes, I don't have $ to move on my own. Yes, I have a job, but no savings. We own a home together. Paying mortgage. I told husband to move out, he will not. My attorney said I will get everything, due to the situation. I don't want to burden my family. Husband said he'll go to counseling, and do whatever it takes to keep our marriage intact. I told him it's too late, what you have done is too discusting. Yet, we still live in the same house. I deserve to be happy, and you know he DID make me happy. It's just so hard.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 821
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    #6

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:59 AM
    How could you burden your family? You have an adult son! Does your son know anything about what has been going on? Would you expect your son to stay with a woman how treated him that way, "for the sake of the family"? I have parents who stayed together for the sake of the family. What a miserable life I had growing up because of that.

    I think it's time you think about YOU. I know you were happy, but that was BEFORE the indiscretions.

    Do you think you can forgive AND forget? Two totally different things, often confused as one in the same. Would you be happy if you went to counseling sessions? Can you move past the relationships with not only your family but his as well?
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    0rphan's Avatar
    0rphan Posts: 1,259, Reputation: 237
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    #7

    Nov 14, 2011, 12:03 PM
    Hi franz,
    I am sorry to say your husband will cheat again,it's in his makeup.Yes he has promised not to do it again and to make it up to you... until the next time.

    I am sure that when he says "it won't happen again " he actually believes it... you must not.

    He is a liar and a cheat, and has no respect for you or the many years that you have shared together.

    Do not waste any more of your life with him, he is the past,if you want any future at all you have to move foreword.

    Stay with family or friends who can give you moral support until this is sorted out legally.I know you both have a lot of history together, but you cannot survive in a loveless marriage on history,if you stay for the sake of history then you will have no future.

    This will be a big step for you,maybe the first time in many years that you have to fend for yourself,I am sure that this does scare you a little.This is only natural,but once you have taken the first step out of this mans life, then you will see that you have a promising future with someone who will love and respect you, without the worry of cheating at the first opportunity.

    You say you do not love this man,you also say you have a divorce attorney,therefore there is no point in seeking marriage guidance.

    You have taken the first steps toward your future,stay strong and accept the support of the people that care and love you.

    I wish you luck in all that you do.

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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Nov 14, 2011, 12:29 PM
    Yes, my son actually lives in the home, is aware of all that has transpired. My son broke off his engagement, and moved back last year. He will be moving out in a few months. The cousin was also trying to have sex with my son too. And I must say, she actually hit on me too. No, I will never forgive, and forget- NEVER! So much has happend-it's too discusting. She's also pregnant, and was with 2 other guys -one bi-sexual. I heard a message she left husband in July, saying she was going to kill his baby. At first she said it was her steady bi-sexual boyfriend, then she said its husbands. I don't know what to think! I'm so scared of one day finding out I have a disease. I know I have to move on, it's just so hard to do. Husband was the ONLY man I've ever been with. Being afraid of the unknown is what terrifies me..


    To Orphan: Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 821
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    #9

    Nov 14, 2011, 02:01 PM
    Franz, you need to go to the doctor for an exam. If she was sleeping with a bi-sexual man and had other partners, she could have given something to your husband who in turn gave it to you. I know it's terrifying. I can only imagine how scared/hurt/angry you are.

    Like Orphan mentioned, you have already made your first move. You have contacted your divorce attorney, so you know deep down it's over. You just need to stay strong and stick to your guns. Get your support where ever you can, friends, family, online... What does your son think about what his father has done?
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Nov 14, 2011, 02:33 PM
    I have an appointment this Friday with the Dr. My son is discusted, and is of course trying to comprehend all that has happened. He can't believe all that has happened. My son told me, how could my dad hate us that much, to do something like that? I told my husband that, and all he said was we'll talk. We never did. I told my husband, you should be ashamed, and discusted with what you have done. He said he's ashamed, but most of all, doesn't want to lose me. I had to say he was ashamed, he never said that first. He accused me of sleeping with his friend. It's just so sickening. I'll never know if he got her pregnant, or if it is someone else's. I asked him is he got her pregnant, at first he never answered the question. After I told him I guess you did get her pregnant, because he won't answer me. That's when he told me it's not his baby.
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