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    This is my first time posting to something like this, but I am a bit at a loss and would welcome the multiple viewpoints.

    I've been with my wife for six years, married for one. We have always fought a lot in our relationship. Usually it was about silly things, and I attributed it to stress about other things going on in our lives. Turns out that she felt I didn't care for her, and was over reacting and getting angry about little things after letting the feelings build up for a while. She wanted me to try to fix things with her but I didn't realize (or didn't want to realize) that there was actually a problem. Our sex life started to dimish and I turned to online pornography for my sexual release. She wanted to have sex with me, but for some reason I didn't want to. This really hurt her self esteem and magnified the other issues between us.

    Recently she came home from a trip away by herself and said that she met someone else and that she had feelings for them. I admitted to her the pornography and she was extremely hurt that I hadn't told her about it before. We decided that we needed to try to fix things between us, but she said she needed time to heal before she could. Meanwhile she decided that she had mistaken her feelings for this other man because she was so upset about how things were between us. She decided that she just wanted to be friends with this guy, and I have a hard time with that. He was recently in town for a few days and she took off work to spend time with him. Initially she was going to show him around town, but the weather was bad so they started watching movies at our house. I was really upset by all of this, but my wife felt that this was something she needed to do for herself, even though she knew it hurt me. She was sorry that it did, but decided that it was too important to her.

    He has since gone home, and I've asked her to stop talking with him for a while so that we can fix things. She has agreed, although she says she is not ready to fix things yet. She doesn't understand why I need her to stop talking to him, and feels I am just being jealous. She feels that she isn't doing anything wrong by talking with him. Am I being overly sensitive about this, or am I justified in asking her to stop for now.

    Last edited by talaniman; Oct 1, 2009 at 12:30 PM.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,099, Reputation: 10295
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #2

    Oct 1, 2009, 12:39 PM



    You are being jealous, but she is your wife. I think its possible she is using him to make you jealous, so you can change your behavior. I wouldn't have stood for this frankly, because either she works with you or she doesn't.

    Stop the porn, build up your spunk, and start being the guy who got the girl in the first place. That also means instead of arguing... talk, and make no mention of the guy again. Your going to have to get your confidence back and forge ahead, because if she doesn't respond after an appropriate amount of time, then a deeper agreement has to be reached. Pay attention to her, and act accordingly. How old are you both?
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    AnaisDeBeauvoir's Avatar
    AnaisDeBeauvoir Posts: 8, Reputation: 4
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    #3

    Oct 3, 2009, 01:04 PM

    When a woman is unhappy at home, she is more apt to find the attention she craves in the arms of another man. She is not in love with him, but her lonliness has tricked her into believing that she is. And her perception is her reality. She doesn't want to give him up because the relationship she has with him is too intoxicating.
    Talk to her, listen to her, and let her know that you love her. Ultimately, however it take both people to make it work, and if she is unwilling to work hard at it, you are doomed to failure.
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    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #4

    Oct 3, 2009, 06:02 PM
    He is giving her the attention that you didn't give her. But, if she genuinely wants to make the marriage work, then she will need to stop contacting the guy. Yes, she may need time, and you should be sensitive to that, but another man in the picture will not make things between you and her any clearer.

    You've both neglected to communicate and listen to each other in your marriage and let things slide. Now it's up to you - get rid of the porn, take her away for the weekend, get some counselling. It has taken you 6 years to create this mess, so it will not 'fix' overnight.

    You particularly need to get some counselling so you can figure out how to stop fighting, or to do it differently. You have been negligent, but it was both your responsibilities to work on it.

    If it is really important to you, take the bull by the horns and start today to do things differently. It is possible to communicate without fighting.
    Helpful

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