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I'm new to this message board but I'm so glad I found it. I need help but first let me tell you more and I'll do my best to be brief.
I'm mostly happily married for 17 years and have two kids. I adore my hubby except for one thing -- a battle with a porn addiction. I didn't know he had this addiction before we were married and frankly if I had -- I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I first knew something was not quite right when our sex life dropped off after the first three months and was no more than hit and miss after that. Over the years I begged, whined and pleaded for us to have a normal sex life but he'd lash out at me and tell me many reasons -- all my fault. He used my weight (5‘ 2‘ - 136 lbs.), my body type and many other really hurtful things so I'd stop asking. I started catching him doing porn and masturbating -- I was stunned at this because it didn’t make any sense to me. Finally I had enough and told him that I didn't sign up of a celibate life. His answer? Go get what I needed from someone else as long as I came back to him. What??? That was a deal breaker for me -- I'm not breaking the laws of God for anybody besides -- what normal guy would say that?
I told him that either we get help for his porn problems and get a healthy sex life or I wanted a divorce. That got his attention and we went to counseling -- yeah! After two or three months, hubby told both Dr. B and I that he realized what he'd been doing was wrong and that he had no intention of hurting me to get what he wanted. The following Monday, I got a call from hubby -- I had to go pick him up from work because he'd been suspended. His boss had found the porn on his work computer and she caught him masturbating at work!!!! A nineteen year career down the dumper and he had to attend a hearing to see if they would take him back.
I wanted to kill him -- not really but the sense of betrayal was so great! He didn't just dupe me but also Dr. B -- this guy had been in practice for 27 years! I mean he's such good lier -- his job required him to go to a different counselor -- an addiction specialist. In a nutshell -- she tried to blame his problems on me and a mother complex???? Oh this really didn't help us at all and it really ticked me off! He was doing this since he was little because his dad displayed porno all over the house -- he thinks it was good for his kids!!!
Fast forward to two days ago and my daughter and I came home a lot earlier than we'd planned and guess who was at the family computer (ewwwww!) going at it. I got our daughter out of the house before she noticed her dad dashing to the bathroom. Again the “I’m sorry - I won’t do it again” but I can’t buy that. I want stability for the rest of our lives and not look over my shoulder to see what he’s doing. Not to mention the escalation that seems to go with this rotten addiction.
Help! I need someone to talk to. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take the sneaking around and I’d like to have a healthy sex life. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Please talk to me -- I can’t talk to my family about this and his family would only say he’s just doing what a guy needs to do!
I'm new to this message board but I'm so glad I found it. I need help but first let me tell you more and I'll do my best to be brief.
I'm mostly happily married for 17 years and have two kids. I adore my hubby except for one thing -- a battle with a porn addiction. I didn't know he had this addiction before we were married and frankly if I had -- I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I first knew something was not quite right when our sex life dropped off after the first three months and was no more than hit and miss after that. Over the years I begged, whined and pleaded for us to have a normal sex life but he'd lash out at me and tell me many reasons -- all my fault. He used my weight (5‘ 2‘ - 136 lbs.), my body type and many other really hurtful things so I'd stop asking. I started catching him doing porn and masturbating -- I was stunned at this because it didn’t make any sense to me. Finally I had enough and told him that I didn't sign up of a celibate life. His answer? Go get what I needed from someone else as long as I came back to him. What??? That was a deal breaker for me -- I'm not breaking the laws of God for anybody besides -- what normal guy would say that?
I told him that either we get help for his porn problems and get a healthy sex life or I wanted a divorce. That got his attention and we went to counseling -- yeah! After two or three months, hubby told both Dr. B and I that he realized what he'd been doing was wrong and that he had no intention of hurting me to get what he wanted. The following Monday, I got a call from hubby -- I had to go pick him up from work because he'd been suspended. His boss had found the porn on his work computer and she caught him masturbating at work!!!! A nineteen year career down the dumper and he had to attend a hearing to see if they would take him back.
I wanted to kill him -- not really but the sense of betrayal was so great! He didn't just dupe me but also Dr. B -- this guy had been in practice for 27 years! I mean he's such good lier -- his job required him to go to a different counselor -- an addiction specialist. In a nutshell -- she tried to blame his problems on me and a mother complex???? Oh this really didn't help us at all and it really ticked me off! He was doing this since he was little because his dad displayed porno all over the house -- he thinks it was good for his kids!!!
Fast forward to two days ago and my daughter and I came home a lot earlier than we'd planned and guess who was at the family computer (ewwwww!) going at it. I got our daughter out of the house before she noticed her dad dashing to the bathroom. Again the “I’m sorry - I won’t do it again” but I can’t buy that. I want stability for the rest of our lives and not look over my shoulder to see what he’s doing. Not to mention the escalation that seems to go with this rotten addiction.
Help! I need someone to talk to. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take the sneaking around and I’d like to have a healthy sex life. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Please talk to me -- I can’t talk to my family about this and his family would only say he’s just doing what a guy needs to do!
Chebba709
What a mess....but like any addiction or compulsion, he will have to hit rock bottom (lose something dear to him) before it sinks in. Right now his comments and treatment of you are just self serving and very predictable. If he appeases you or the counselor and life goes on.....then it's back to his needs over anyone elses. It sounds like you have done your best. Direct confrontation elicited the typical response, " I won't do it again", "It's your fault" (blame the victim)., "Go find somebody else" (gives him excuse to continue since you are now like him)..when lies don't work, blame it on someone or something else. And he told the professional what he wanted to hear. Well he has to take responsibility for his actions, clear and simple. Losing a career didn't faze him, but the threat of losing his family might. Give him an ultimatum and get your ducks in a row. You deserve better and so does your children. You don't have to divorce him but a seperation ...giving yourselves some space may help. As long as he continues the behavior, the vicious cycle will continue. Maybe his repeated offenses is his answer. He just doesn't care about the situation enough to change for you or anybody else. You deserve better than that. Have you considered a religious angle? Guilt and shame are powerful motivators and if it comes from clergy, it might help. Create a powerbase of support on your side and let him know it is there. Exposure of his actions will be something he can not defend or justify. Bottomline, if you can't trust him, and he doesn't respect you, what do you have? Don't be a martyr for him. Good luck.......
Thank you for answering and offering some good insight into this mess. I can't tell you how good it feels to just talk about this with someone!
I'm trying to get my ducks in a row but it's hard. The only reason he got a second chance at work is because he fooled his boss that he was cured and that moron woman doctor gave him a glowing report.
Funny you mentioned the religious angle -- I made an appointment with our new pastor the day before he fired most of the staff that had been there for years and were greatly loved. Our church is in total turmoil and I don't trust this pastor to keep this private. No leadership there and my nerves can't take everyone knowing. Not now.
I had no prior experience with addictions so I'm trying to learn all I can about it. There does seem to be a common thread of blaming everyone else, lies and well -- you get the picture. I'm just so tired of holding my breath for fear he'll escalate or lose his job. Oh who knows what else can happen. Thanks for your kind words and for talking with me -- it means a lot.
I will go to this point, if you can't trust your pastor, find another church, period, if you can't have full faith to confid in him/her. Next they have support groups for the wifes of men addicted like this,
It is obvious he has no plans on changing, personally I say move out, I doubt it will make him change, just make it easier for him, since it is already obvoius, his job, his wife and his kids are not worth as much as his personal desire.
but get back into couseling for you, and I would do a seperation ASAP, but that is my opinoin and sorta shaded since I beleive his behavior is just sick, I can't image the harm that could have been done to your daughter when she walks in on him.
I will go to this point, if you can't trust your pastor, find another church, period, if you can't have full faith to confid in him/her. Next they have support groups for the wifes of men addicted like this,
It is obvious he has no plans on changing, personally I say move out, I doubt it will make him change, just make it easier for him, since it is already obvoius, his job, his wife and his kids are not worth as much as his personal desire.
but get back into couseling for you, and I would do a seperation ASAP, but that is my opinoin and sorta shaded since I beleive his behavior is just sick, I can't image the harm that could have been done to your daughter when she walks in on him.
Hello and thanks for the reply. My kids had recitals this weekend and I was too busy with them to get back to the computer. By the way, they both were wonderful dancers!
I understand what you're saying but I feel like I'm in shock -- I'm stuck. Trying to deal with this, my deep sadness over what's happening at my church and then keeping a good public face for the kids is taking a real toll on me. I took my vows very seriously and I'm having issues with that too. Besides what will I tell the kids? They think there's no problem, their dad is the best (which I don't want to tarnish by leaving him) and it breaks my heart to think of what this will do to my kids. We're not made of money and a separation would really put us in a bad financial spot. I was hoping other people would tell me how they've dealt with this problem and survived -- I feel like I'm just going in circles!!
It may seem that you are alone and without resources however you are part of a large and growing community. Find answers and support at www.PornAddictHubby.com.
wow girl. and i thought that mine was bad. i am having the same problem. but we have only been married for about 9 months and no kids. i asked the same question if you want to read it. we have alot of the same things going on. but im sorry to hear that, i really im. but i dont know what to tell you, like i said im having my oen battle when my husband and his porn.
be happy he likes women and it might make your sex life better
Slash, Obviously you do not know porn addiction or have a significant other. These men make for the worst lovers. There is NO intimacy or emotional connection. Often they choose non real sex, as it is easy, lazy and expect nothing in return.
They end up as perverts. As the men age, the women in porn do not. Soon they are 65 jerking off to teens. As a wife or gf, you become a hole and an emotional punching bags for lies of addiction. You can never complete with porn fantasy. Porn addiction gets worse with time, is all consuming and they have nothing left to give to the wife or family. Often these men have secret lives, of prostitutes, pedophilia, affairs, etc.... file for immediate custody and support and get all you can. Document his addiction, and understand for everything you do know there are 20 things you do not. Run, Girl, Run. And take your daughters with you.
First, I'm sorry you are dealing with this problem but it is a common one. That means there is a lot of good help available for you. And him, when he's ready to really face his issues. And with a dad like that, obviously they are deep rooted & long term unfortunately.
Obviously, he's deep in the porn trap if he was doing it at work. You can put either a porn filter or something on the computer to let you know what he's doing on there. You can't believe him at this point. That will give you an idea of how much he feels the need to check out porn. There is a cheap computer monitoring service here:
Is he still denying there is a problem or minimizing it? You will have to use tough love on him if there is going to be any chance of a recovery that includes a healthy marriage for both of you. A separation may be merited but at first he will likely look at that as an opportunity to do what he wants when he wants without interference from you. You will need some good help to guide you thru this, it definitely won't go away by itself. Check out the sites mentioned above & that will help you put together a gameplan to deal with this for yourself even if he won't cooperate.
A good support site for you that is Christian but not sex / porn issues oriented is at:
Run, Girl, Run. And take your daughters with you.
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