How to stay strong through troubled times

FREE Biorhythm Readings

This site is an interesting one. Put your birthday in and click the free chart button. Then when it brings up your chart click on the right side "your compatability with annonymous" and put their birth day in the spaces. You will be totally astounded at the answer you get.

This will also help explain to you why she is up some days and down others. I found it most accurate when I was trying to figure out myself and my moods and other people and their moods.

My late husband and I were a perfect match. My first husband was not. My mother and I got along famously. My son and I get along famously. A co-worker of mine who I never liked scored such low points with my compatability I knew I would never get along with her.

Try it. It could possibly give you some true insight to your problem. I re-read your posts and I kind of forgot who you were. Now I remember.

Your memories may be lying to you. Your wife has indicated she never really loved you. If that is actually true and she's telling the truth now, your perceptions of a perfect past are, well, beside the point. It may not have been that way at all, especially if your "perfect" was her "misery", know what I mean?

What has passed before may or may not have been true, your feelings may or may not have been one-sided. So, the only thing you can actually rely on is what is happening in front of you, today.

You ask for suggestions on how to keep "it" together. What is "it" you mean? Your marriage or your nerves? Without some counseling your marriage may already be over. Counseling at this point may be the only sanity for your nerves, too.

Reading between the lines, I would suggest you do the opposite of anything you feel urged right now, don't trust your instincts, they haven't served you so far.

You need to be talking face to face with someone who can interact directly with you. These text interactions may be leaving out some clear signs we would all spot in person.

Get some help.

Facts. You can't change what has happened in the past. You can not change or control her, or what she chooses to say. But as far as being at the end of your rope, not being able to handle it anymore? You decide that. We all hit bottom when we stop digging. Life is about relationships. If the one you have with her is going South, try counselling.

We have been going to therapy for the last few weeks. It has helped in our day to day interaction.

I am not viewing our past as a one sided perfection. Our marriage and our life together was picture perfect when she didn't know what I had done. What I did was by no means a compensation for something our relationship was lacking. I was in a relatioship when her and I got together and I strung it along after we were dating for fear that my wife was going to leave me again (she had done so without warning 4 years prior and ruined my life). My feelings for my wife and hers for me were true. And that is honesty not one-sided wishful thinking.

I am pretty sure that is why this has een so tough on her, because of how perfect everything was and all the trust she put in me. I feel like she is probably telling the truth about how she feels "at the moment", but many times after she says those things minutes or hours later she will be crying or apologizing and saying I don't deserve that. I feel like she is trying to build a wall between us, and I am trying to stop her, but I can't make the marriage work by myself.

I know I need her to want it too. Which I know will come with time. I know what we have been through. I know the odds we have overcome thus far, and I know that I am a good person and so is she. We will work out in the long run...I just don't know how long that will be.

THis is why I ask my question. I am asking how to keep my nerves together more or less. How to prevent the daily negativity from taking a toll on my will to ride out the storm. We both still have hope that everything will come around. I love her more than anything and she is the sweetest girl in the world. She is the mother to my children and the only woman I want "until death do us part".

I just need to know if anyone has been through some similar tought imes in a marriage and how they avoided their partners anger and resentment from taking a stranglehold on their outlook on the marriage. How do you stay positive, or better yet how do you help them see the positive?

Wewed asks: "better yet how do you help them see the positive?" An old saying, 'You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink." An old song: "Que sera, sera; whatever will be will be; the future's not ours to see; que sera, sera.' Don't be that possessive, domineering guy. Have you been following those posts by homesick? When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

Being a wife myself, I sometimes tell things to my husband when I am really angry... Things like "I don't love you", "you make my life hell"... But we both know that those are things which are totally meaningless and out of anger, and we don't even remember those things after the row is over and we have cooled down. But these angry moments are for small household things, I can't even imagine how your wife must be going through finding out her hubby cheated on her!

If you think your wife really loved you at some point, then you should also not take her angry words to heart. Be as loving as possible and show your cares in small day to day things, at least that really touches my heart when my hubby does small things for me.

On the other hand, if you really love her, then you should probably think on terms of what will make her happy, what she wants to do with her life, and which ever path she chooses, be there for her, whether married to her or not.

Why would you cheat in the first place? Most people that do have some insecurities they need to deal with before they let someone in to their lives.

Hi Wewed,

First, I had no idea the other night when I commented how beautiful your wedding picture was, that you are going through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We all make mistakes and not one of us is perfect.

First thing that jumped out at me.......you can not "make" her feel anything. In time, when her deep hurt eases, she may feel all the things you want her to and perhaps when the two of you get through this, your bond may be even deeper.

If you are feeling nervous, well, you should, it's more then normal, don't try and force yourself to calm down, or keep it together, that will only make you feel worse.

You have to work on yourself. Words we all have heard so many times but you have to build up your self esteem again. You love your wife and you are broken inside because you hurt her in a way you never meant to and in a way you never thought you would. That just takes a sledge hammer to your internal self.

With all that extra nerves you have....take long walks....jog.....work out. Then when you are nice and tired, get a journal out and each day write you wife a note, a letter, or any thought that you want to share with her. After a good bit of time, you can wrap it up and give it to her. Or not give it to her at all....it will help for you just to unload some of that emotion.

Give her the space she needs to heal. Let her hurt, let her be angry, don't wish inside that it would just go away. She has to get it out.

If my husband made the same choice as you did, I have to tell you, my tongue would be a nice weapon and sadly, I think I would try and shell out any words that I think would hurt him back. So, more then likely that may be behind her words that are hurting you now.

This is a biggie wewed, but you know that. If she senses that you expect her to jump into forgivness mode, that may upset her even more as to her it could mean you are downplaying your actions and the hurt that you caused her.

Do NOTHING. What I mean by that is, when you are with her.....listen......listen with your heart to every word she has to say. Don't be having words swirl in your mind that you want to say back thinking they will be the majic words to make her feel better. Don't jam more words down her ears, let her get her words out. Do not expect all of this to go away quickly and don't be standing by waiting for it to happen. Take each day as it comes, work on yourself and continue to love her. Truly love her, which means understanding as best you can, how all of this is making her feel.

Answer ALL of her questions and always be honest. From this point on, give her no reason at all to doubt you about anything. Be honest in all aspects of your relationship no matter how minor you think the situation is. You need to recapture her trust again.

I admire the fact of you knowing how wrong this all is and how deeply you want to make it right again. That's a very good sign as some would never admit they were wrong and just keeping on hurting the people they claim to love. So give yourself some credit.

Keep going to therapy with her and maybe even without her.

You made a horrible mistake and not one person breathing on this earth is perfect and has never made a mistake. So you just remember that today gives us the opportunity to correct yesterday and tomorrow gives us hope that those mistakes of yesterday NEVER appear again.

How do you stay strong? Oh that is so easy.....that deep love you have for her (which is so apparent in your post) will keep you strong, focused and motiviated to work towards
Having an even stronger bond with your wife then before this life lesson happened.

Just remember, she is devesated, allow her to be, and allow both of you all the time that is needed to heal.

I promise you, I will keep both of you in my thoughts and may the sun shine on you both
And bring you back even closer together.

My very best to you,
Allheart

I didn't realize you had cheated on her and her lack of feeling is coming from her knowledge of this. That is a substantive piece of info.

The quickest useful piece of advice I have for you now is start courting her again from scratch.

You have kicked the rug out of your relationship by cheating. You did that. Not her. Anything she says now is reasonable reaction to betrayal this deep.

You got to start over. From the beginning. She's the queen, the catch you desire. Put her on the pedestal and settle in for a LONG period of rebuilding.

"Keeping it together" is you focusing on you. You already did that when you cheated. Stop it. You've run out energy in that department. If you're focusing on building her up and honoring her and cherishing her, you shouldn't have a lot of left over energy for self-pity. Plus you gain nothing from it, either. So ignore those feelings.

This is the reality you created. You need to man-up and do the work, do the time to undo the damage. No shortcuts on this one, settle in and go for it.

My guess is she's totally worth it, else you wouldn't be so broken up at the thought of losing her.

And in the future, don't use the "down days" of marriage as a permission to throw it all away by behaving badly again.