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Hi. I am new here. I like this site so far. My name is actlikemywife because that is my husbands saying as I act inappropriately according to him. I do love him, but never can fix him. Here's why:
I have tried everything from reassurance to hysteria to counselling to separation to reconciliation. I am worn out. I am irritated (the few days he is home) by assumptions, jealous outbursts, to the point where I know I am being gaslighted and his projections are just diversions so he could go party without guilt. I am constantly defending myself. It is endless, exhausting and humiliating and escalates to him leaving for weeks at a time, saying I "threw him out." When he turns back up, everything I did to survive while he was gone is "manipulating behind his back." Today I was accused loudly in public of having a boyfriend (because I wanted to go rake leaves without him.)
Crazy making stuff, huh?: "Where were you? Why did it take you 7.59 kilominutes to get here? Did you stop and meet your boyfriend? Let me see your cell phone. How did you spend your money...are you on drugs?" No, but I definitely am on trial, not in a a relationship thats going to last. Maybe there is a tiny nanofraction of truth in some of what is said; the WAY it is said it is so overwhelming to my self esteem to think my partner would even bother to aggravate me with ongoing ridiculousness, I have been patient with it, I feel the urge to break out of "jail" and run like hell. Yesterday, I asked for a divorce. I really dont want a divorce. Would just like to know how some of you might respond?
Trust is the very foundation of any relationship and if the trust not there is no relationship. Leave tonight and file for a divorce later.
I'm actually scared for you; your husband is very unstable and emotionally disturbed. You don’t ask for a divorce you leave and send divorce papers. I don’t think anyone could but up with the abuse and I'm surprised you actually did for so long. Counseling only works when both parties want to make changes for the marriage to work, I don’t think you husband thinks there is a problem.
Since you have tried the counseling, and all the rest, what is there left to do, really?? How much more will you allow yourself to endure? I agree with the idea of considering leaving, but would say get your ducks in a row first. Have a plan in place....speak to a lawyer asap. You need to be knowledgable about the laws where you live, your finances, etc.. Hope for the best, but expect it to get ugly and plan accordingly....surround yourself with family and friends once you make a decision.
With all of his bravado, it makes me wonder what he is up to himself when he is gone for weeks at a time out "partying". The guilty often offer the best offense of throwing around accusations first.
One thing that is important to give some thought to......you may love him, but that does not make him the best partner for you.
i have found that people who tend to accuse a lot are usually feeling guilty about something and this is a way to make them feel better about it, to accuse you. add that on top of being unstable and what an awful situation.
I agree with jkh. When guys are so insecure, accusing and not trusting they are usually the guilty party. They treat you like this so that they feel everything is fine because they projected the fault onto you instead. When guys go looking for an argument so they can have it as an excuse to leave it is a pattern they are not going to break. They see no reason to change because they see you as the one with the problem. The more he can get you to feel like maybe there is some truth to what he is saying the more he can and will manipulate you. Do not give in to accepting his behavior as your fault.
When my x would start with the arguments I would leave the room and let him have a one sided argument. He would still leave and still have an attitude against me but at least I did not participate.
People say it takes two to argue but this type of guy can have a full fledged argument with himself and play his side and your side and YOU ALWAYS come out the loser in his eyes.
All you can do is ignore him and let him do what he wants cause he is going to anyway.
In the meantime don't give in to seeing any of it as you being the problem. He is the one that has the problem.
Get out of there. You are married to a person who is very confused. If you stay, he may well convince you that you are the reason for his confusion. Don't let the crazy-maker stir you around any more, in this pot of his very own insanity soup. Go. Now.
Constant blame games and checking on your every move and threatening to leave you and blaming you for him being gone are forms of emotional abuse. RUN...trust me on this one. It will only get worse... and I am speaking from experience. I just had my soon to be ex, arrested for Domestic violence after putting up with the SAME accusations for 8 yrs....it will only get worse. You'll feel like walking on egg shells as long as you're with someone like that. HE needs help. You need support.
Wow. What awesome answers. 24 hours I have not seen him. I am in my glory. It was a beautiful day! I prepped 2 whole acres of property for flowers! I had such a good time. I had lunch with my daughter and an old friends estate...(I usually dont like ham, but this was Boar's Head Black Forest on a subroll with spicy mustard and tomato!)...she just wrote a trilogy of books, titled "Ruin" We had interesting conversation. I did not hear any negativity. It was all good...I got paid, I hung out. Thank you all for reaffirming the reasons I've come to this decision I've got to move on. I've decided to go to LPN school in a few months, once gardening season is over, and in only 10 months I can become a travelling nurse. Doesnt that sound cool? I am outgoing and caretakers often hook up wit abusive types. I am far far far from being a victim...doesnt have a place in the design I have for my life, so I told him to f.o.
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