At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My husband and I have been married a year. Up until lately, we've had our share of romps in the hay. But maybe one or two times in the previous months, he would lose his erection half-way into the game. I let it go, maybe twice, but I raised an eyebrow as to this becoming a regular thing. Lately it's been happening more frequently. Maybe five times in the past few months? I don't get it. We no longer have regular sex, which is his choice. And when we do, he always asks me to pull out my vibrator. At first I thought it was fun, but after a while, I realized it was because he had lost his erection and he wanted to play it off. Previously he mentioned it was because he was stressed out at work, but now his story has changed. He says it's because he gets anxious (as far as him performing well) and loses his train of thought. Personally, that sounds lame to me. I've had my share of "relations" and I've never had one man quit on me half way through. Last week, I was cleaning up some winter coats he had, and in the pocket of one I found a packet of Viagra. I asked him about it (I thought it was hilarious), and he said he had gotten it "2 years ago, because he wanted to please me.." I shrugged it off. We slept together a few nights after that, and again, since I had the trusty' vibrator on hand (not to mention an overly-happy happy hour), I didn't realize if he had gone out on me or not.. Tonight, it happened again. After about 4 days of not even sleeping together, half-way though, he failed on me. Honestly, I felt like garbage.
**In the past, he had mentioned to me he had very little sexual experience before me. In fact, he still stands by the idea that he was a virgin until he met me. I, on the other hand, have been completely honest about the fact that I have been in relationships, and have had a few crazy nights, but I don't regret any of it. It is what it is, why lie about it? He seemed to have no issue with it. So I've been asking him since we started dating (3yrs ago) about his past, he swears up and down he hasn't had much experience. Why he finds the need to say that, I don't know.
So tonight, I asked him why he left me hanging earlier? He started telling me stories about how one time, he was with one particular girl and he was so turned on, he (sounds so awkward saying this) released early. After that, he was always anxious about that, and it happened more than once. I guess I can understand that, but what bothers me is the idea that he was able to be so excited by others in the past (which I did not even know about), yet for me he can't even make it half-way through. I know that may sound silly to some, but it's bothering the hell out of me. I feel disgusting. I have lost control over the past few months, I know I don't exactly look like I used to two years ago. But I don't feel I should have to look like a supermodel in order for my husband of one year to want to have sex with me. I don't get it! I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him, I feel so ty. Not only is he moping around trying to "explain" (basically repeat the same speech I was given last time this happened), but completely missing the point. I'm not mad at him for this happening. I am willing to listen to him, and we can come up with a solution. We do this on every other decision, why not this? But all he keeps doing is saying, "I know it's all mental.. I have to work on it.." He's missing the fact that 1.) I don't know a damn thing about his past, while he knows everything about mine. 2.) Feel like complete $hit because I wonder why my husband doesn't want to have sex with me, and 3.) Don't even want to see his face right now.. He's missing all those facts, and childishly apologizing for something he doesn't even think he did wrong (he just thinks it's what I'd want to hear). I'm so frusterated. I told him I am not mad (honestly, I don't want to make the guy feel bad for not being able to get it up--his ego must be deflated), and that I just want to be left alone. I don't want to argue, because I don't see a point in repeating myself over and over again, and hearing the same lame story over again. He hasn't gotten any help yet, why have faith in him now?
What has changed in his life and in your lives together over the past couple of months, since his erection problem has surfaced?
I think if he really can't or won't talk about it, I might suggest you write him a letter spelling out how you are feeling. He can read this in his own time and think it over and then maybe he will come to you and discuss the "problem".
You could show him this post and the answers you receive?
Give him some time, as it appears it is a new problem in your relationship, and he may be embarrassed about talking. Some men tend not to talk about their emotions, feelings, health and men's problems.
i think you are better off than you both know, but its going to take work.
sounds like he has an honest ED issue. this can be caused by many things, including anxiety, stress, health, and on and on.
i really, really dont believe it has anything to do with you.
i dont say things i dont mean.
i dont think its about you.
i think he has some mental hangups, and even some physical barriers. ED drugs deal with very real physiological barriers to strong, lasting erections. and it isnt just for "old guys".
personally, ive never used an ED drug, but i can tell you the quality of erection at 16 for me want the same at 26. i still can perform fine, but theres more foreplay needed, and sometimes some postitions are more favored than others. some men are as strong three decades on. some need help.
i do not believe for one moment that this is about you. i think its about his body not responding.
if he isnt excercising, he needs to be. if he has high blood pressure, he needs to address this. if he has stress that is mental or physical, if he has poor sleep, if he has poor self image, it all needs to be addressed.
and there is no shame in talking to a med professional, though it isnt easy. nobody wants to admit theres problems in the bedroom.
so... he isnt a victim. he has some work to do. there isnt a free pass by saying "i had a bad experience"... and i also think you need to be kind to yourself. i know your frustration is more directed at him, but dont feel unwanted. im guessing he wants to please you, but doesnt have the confidence.
and there is a difference between a lover who doesnt give a damn and a lover who cant perform.
again, that isnt reason enough for him to do nothing. you deserve more than that.
I think maybe you ARE putting too much stress on him to perform... belittling him or blaming him for his problem will not help him at all, and it's good that you told him you are not mad, but don't just tell him you want to be left alone, you could suggest other ways to be close to each other like a romantic date or an activity that you both enjoy. His problem is not him not wanting to sleep with you, I'm sure, but you do seem to be getting upset about the whole situation, which 'm sure he realizes, and that cannot be helping him at all. What you need to do is discuss with him honestly and openly, and do not get frustrated, because it is not your fault, nor his. Talk to him perhaps about getting on some medication for erectile dysfunction , as that may help him. Tell him that even though he might have a problem right now, you still love him, desire him, find him attractive, etc.
Linear Mode
