How do I get through to somone in a mid life crisis?

Maggiem9 · #1 Jan 28, 2007, 04:37 PM

I just recently found out that my mother had an affair and wants to leave my dad after 25 years of what seemed to me to be the "perfect marriage." I am 22 years old and have a 2 year old and a new baby, my husband and I got married in May of last year. My mother came to me and told me she just "wasn't in love with my dad anymore" and "that spark isn't there anymore" and "I married so young and got pregnant right away." She also said that her "kids are grown now, and she needs to live her life for herself for the first time." She also said "your dad deserves to be loved by someone that will love him." She also said that she met the other man at work and has carried out this relationship for the past year. My dad caught her over 3 months ago, but they didn't confide in me because I was pregnant at the time and they thought they may be able to work things out themselves. Well to my understanding they went to marriage counseling, they went on vacation to Hawaii, they got through the holidays without me ever suspecting a thing. My dad says he has tried absolutely everything in his power to keep their marriage. There are a lot of other underlying issues here that I am not 100% sure about, but I do know that the other man doesn't have $, I know he isn't good looking, I heard that his wife committed suicide 13 years ago, and I also heard a rumor that he was involved in a hit and run death. Another issue is my mother has a family history of bi-polar disease. I believe her case is fairly mild, but she is on medications. I know that she has not been taking her medicine, and all of this is a complete SHOCK to me. I just CANNOT imagine my mother doing this to our family. This is the single hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. Since I have had children I have become so much closer with my mother and father. They adore my children, and she even got a part time job a couple years back so that she could watch my son 2 days a week. I feel that she isn't making these desicions irrationally, and I truely believe she is having a mid life crisis. My father is incredible throughout all of this. He is still able to forgive her and we all hope that she realizes what she is doing and comes back home. I want to be so mad at her and resent her, but at the same time I want to know what she is thinking and I want to be able to help her make the right decision. How do I get through to her? and is this a mid life crisis? I am so worried for her future.

talaniman · Jan 29, 2007, 03:28 AM

She needs to take her meds ,but this matter is between your mother and father, so back off and let them handle their own business.

valinors_sorrow · Jan 29, 2007, 03:47 AM

It takes some maturity to be able to love and support your mom (encourage her to stay on her meds) without necessarily agreeing with the way she is solving her apparent unhappiness but it is doable. I know it can be disconcerting to realise that you don't know your parents quite as well as you thought you did but who they are as parents is different from who they are as spouses. They were wise to leave you out of it as much as possible. They need time to solve their crisis. You need time to accomodate yours. And those are two different problems too, by the way. Seek out the support of your own friends and spouse through this for yourself even though its tempting to go to your parents with it. Every person has their life to live and its times like this that its important to respect that.

Maggiem9 · Jan 29, 2007, 05:12 AM

I know this is not my crisis, it is between my parents, but if there is any chance my mom would come back home... I want to be there emotionally to support her and get through to her that we all love her. I think the real issue here is self esteem/ depression. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself first. I truely feel that she feels she doesn't deserve to be loved and successful like she has in the past. I also believe part of that is because she feels so guilty about what she has done. Now that her secret is out I feel like she must feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. I think that I need to get it through to her that she may be having a midlife crisis. My other concern is her safety. No one even knows this guy, but what we have all heard from him isn't good.

valinors_sorrow · Jan 29, 2007, 05:40 AM

Well, Maggie the only way I know to "get through to her" is to have a candid and caring conversation with her. Then its up to her from there ....



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