My husband is living in Boston, MA. And I am living in Atlanta, GA now for both works. After we have the house issue in May 2009, he didn't call me anymore. Since then it has been 10 months already. Is this he showing me his disrespectful or something else? As my understood, he does not want to divorce me but he waits me to go back him after I lost my job. What should I do?

It does not sound to me like he wants you anywhere.

I usually don/t go a day without talking with my lady let alone 10 months.

I personally do not believe in divorce, with the exceptions of violence and adultery, but you may be looking at an abandonment problem.

If, for exampled he knows you are unemployed and has still not told you he would like you with him speaks volumes to me.

His friend told me, he would not agree my requested for half and half rule base on marriage law, also he will not divorce me. If I don't want quit job and move to him, he will just living this way until I become an unemployed and go to him myself.
Since he gambling money form stock and borrow money from credit card, I afraid we will bankrupt someday. So I ask rents money for emergence fund and ask for his half salary goes to my account after I quit job to MA (We have separate accounts). Then he got excrement anger and disconnect with me, even on Christmas time and on my Birthday. I actually still care of him but also don't want living this way. I sent him e-mail again and again, he never replies; I tried to see him on Christmas but he does not want.
I would not loss my job in three years until my project finished. I couldn't understand how a man could disconnect his wife for 10 months and even for a few years and don't want solve the problem as soon as possible? Is this meaning he is a controlling person?
What should I do? Please help and thanks!

Minimally you should consult an Attorney - you are married, you are responsible for his debts whether you live together.

You need to protect yourself.

As far as whether he's controlling and why he hasn't contacted you in 10 months, why don't you contact him and ask? He is, after all, your husband.


Please don't keep posting the same question - asked and answered. Multiple postings will not generate more responses.


No one understands how/why anyone else thinks/acts. He appears to be abusive. I have no idea what half and half marriage rule your friend is quoting.

YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE.

If he hasn’t talked to you in 10 months, I think it’s safe to say that your marriage is over. He’s not in love with you anymore or he wouldn’t be distancing himself from you.

Why don’t you simply divorce him and move on? You deserve better- Find someone who cares enough to at least call you!

I'd suggest that it's over and that you need to get good legal advice.

He's not interested in being with you any more.

This is not disrespect, it's abandonment.

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If it is abandonment, should I continue to communicate with him? We are not divorce now, so I still call him or e-mail him for keeping communication. My call was for discussing family issues, like paying our son's school bills, fixing house problems , etc. My e-mails are for communicating with him for our marriage problems, I told him my feeling, my concern and my suggestions. But it is only one side of communication. He answers my phone but never replies my e-mail, or calls me for discussing family issues. He just does what ever he wants to do.
Please advice

Whether you communicate with him is immaterial. He has abandoned the marriage if all the contact comes from you.

What do you plan to do? Divorce him? Continue to live in this fashion?

I have talked with two Attorneys; both of them said I might not be able to have alimony from him since I am working and able to support myself. But I might lose my job anytime. I am a contract employee without any benefits; and I supported him 19 years for his successful (took care kid, did all of the house works, made money for famliy cost and etc.). And now his salary is four times more than mine.

I am worrying about my finance problem after divorce, and I have language problem (English is no my language). He knows this also.
I wish I still keep the marriage, but I don't want living in this fashion. What should I do? Please suggest, and thanks again!

I think you spend some time thinking about where you want your life to be in, say, a year. Do you want to still be in this relationship?

I have no idea why an Attorney believes you won't be entitled to some type of spousal support. I certainly understand your concern about finances and supporting yourself. When you speak to an Attorney ask whether there can be an agreement or settlement that provides for an amount now and a raised amount if/when you lose your employment. The Court SHOULD look at the past history of the marriage and that includes you supporting him for a number of years. In some States if he was in school during that time you "own" his professional license (if he has one) and, therefore, you "own" a percentage of his income.

If you want to hold onto the marriage, if that is your choice, then you have to somehow, in some fashion, sit your husband down and address these issues with him - live and in person!

You sound frightened and I'm sure he knows this. You have to get beyond that and begin to think about what will happen next in your life, what you WANT to happen next in your life.

(Your English is very good - you express yourself very well.)

This is my frustration. I did not quit my job and move with him when he got his new job in Boston on Oct. 2008, one of reason is I need some time to think my marriage problem. Divorce - I might be unable to support myself if I lose my job; Stay in my marriage - I have no safety feeling anymore. I do afraid him to tread me this way. And he is not willing to sit down and to talk for my concerns.

Tears came to my eyes after I read your messages. You are so helpful! I was so lonely. I appreciated for all of your suggestions and your encouragement.

Can you find an attorney who does speak your native language? This is complicated and you need to understand every detail. You do have options. You need to find out what they are and decide which way you want to go.

No, there is no one in my list could speak my native language. And the attorneys I talked were not patient. They said, “If you both could not get divorce agreement then the court would be offering a judgment. But nobody can guarantee you if you can or how much alimony you would have�.
And you are definitely right, I need fully understanding every detail if I need to go to a court.

I now understood that I have three options.

1 Divorce
2 Stay in my marriage/getting together
3 Stay in my marriage/separation

I don’t want stay in my marriage/separation, so only two options left now.

If divorce, I need some alimony from him. He did was in school for his PHD and his residence practice during 1995 to 2004;
If stay in my marriage, he needs respecting my request for protecting family bankrupt, and don’t tread me this way again even we could not get agreement.

But he does not want to talk whatever how to solve my concerns or how to divorce for my alimony and properties division. He wants stay in marriage/separation until I am unemployed or I get tire.
So I am sticking here, and very painful after I knew I am abandonment.
I am seeking a way that can help me getting out from here and move on forward. This is why I came here and talking. My meaning is to help me analysis why he abandonment me but does not want to divorce? Or how can I get him to face our problems.

Perhaps you could expand your list. Have you contacted the Embassy of your home country? They may have a list of attornies you could speak with.

You can't force anyone to do anything. The only person you can control is you.

You cannot force your husband to talk to you, communicate with you, love you.

You need to speak to an Attorney - I think I understand you just fine and I'm an American, not someone from your native Country.

You need to find out where you stand legally. I see you making excuses for not doing that.

You made me more confident with my English, at least in writing. Thanks so much!

I was living with a Narcissist husband who financial abused me for 22 Years (we are now separated living for 2 years already). And he has started to gambling money and to borrow money form credit cards. And he has used silent treatment to me for 1.5 year already. Please advice for how to rescue a Narcissist? I still want to save him. Help please!

If you are living separately can we assume you're getting a divorce? Why do you want to fix him then? Why not complete the divorce and seek a better life.

You cannot help someone who does not want help,and you can't make anyone who has an addiction seek help until they realise it for themselves.

If he's not talking to you and not in contact there is not much you can do,however I am curious how you came to know of his gambling and borrow money from credit cards,if your not in contact.

Aside from that,the best you can do is help yourself,get back on your feet and start anew,with new goals and aims.

He is a broken human being, but it's not your job to fix him. You've wasted 22 years of your life trying to save him from himself. Now when you're finally free, please focus on yourself and leave him behind. Maybe you could see a counselor, because you sound codependent too.

Good luck.