How to cope married to a control freak?

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Making a set boundary as to how much you are responsible for,where this type of attitude takes you and letting him know what you FEEL!

By your introduction it seems like you aren't going to put up with this much more and need an answer to this,soon.

The first thing is to begin by learning how to protect yourself,not physically,but mentally/emotionally.

You have been an enabler to this situation for the entire relationship,no,I don't mean that as a judgmental comment,just an observation..in order to move beyond the enabling status,you have to have a solid ground to stand on,one which you won't budge from when pressed.

Please,read that site,listen to yourself,decide how much more you want to stay in the chaos or stop it from progressing any further.

Tough love is in order here,I wish you the best,

KBC

He owns this problem but you are getting the backlash from it.

Very unfair. His attitude toward you should you not comply with his personal problems is verbal abusive.Again,very unfair.

He is also creating an environment that is not conducive to relaxation and harmony,which is unhealthy for children and yourself as well.

No one should have to walk on eggshells in their home to please someone who will no doubt find something wrong ,no matter how clean you are.

I believe it is time for a showdown and as KBC stated a dose of tough love.
No one should be subject to this type of stressful living condition and I hope your children have escaped his wrath.

How you have tolerated this for so long is beyond me.
Was he always this way or was there some event that triggered it?

Stress makes OCD symptoms worse so he may need to learn how to manage his stress in a more appropriate manner.

Become knowledgeable about his particular OCD and share your research with him.It can't be a picnic for him living with this disease either but it is not a life sentence and there is help available.

Here is a site I hope you will find useful as a starting point to begin the change that you so dearly need.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Help for Partners and Families-CAMH

KBC, great advice about setting boundaries.

mckmel, How does this affect the children? I read your other thread about miscarriages and I am wondering if his problems have gotten worse in the past few months.

Does he do anything to help clean or does he expect you to do it all? I ask because I am wondering if it is a neatness issue or a control issue. Does he try to control other aspects of your life as well as how clean the house is?

As I said in the other thread, I think you need to talk to your doctor. He/she should be able to direct you to appropriate support groups in your area and other places to get help for you and the children.

Mckmel,

In your post you don't describe a person with OCD. Other than making you and your children's life miserable with a HIS standard of neat and orderly, what does he do to make you think OCD? Sounds like YOU are the one making sure everything is in order not HIM. He's just barking the orders and you are running around frantically trying to keep the house in a condition that is almost impossible to do with children.

From what you have described it sounds more to ME like verbal and emotional abuse. When your husband calls you names and puts you down and lets you know where you'd be without HIM...come ON. That is an abusive man with control issues.

Either way, I agree with everyone's advice. Set some boundries, practice tough love and get some counseling for yourself even if he won't go.

Yes, you need your space to have your things out they way you want them, and the kids are to have their space.

You merely don't let him talk to you like that, explain to him you both have a problem and can't live like this, demond counseling, and start going on your own if he won't

It may be a good idea to do a bit of counseling yourself so that you can have the mental tools to deal with him.
You need to sit him down and tell him how his behavior is affecting you.
Let him know that you are tidy, you keep the home clean, but if it does not meet his satisfaction then he needs to take up the slack.
You must be strong and not back down, or he will make you crazy.
I know this personally. It's time you take a stand.
I wish you well.

You have put up with his behaviour for 14 years if I read you right. I am curious as to how his relationship is with his children.

That he doesn't 'allow' you to to certain things, is control. That he uses intimidation and demeaning comments about the smallest of things, is abuse.

OCD is treatable, yet he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem. If he is forced to face a diagnosis, then he can't blame you for everything right? How convenient.

While you are treated this way, and your children I presume, he continues to be a tyrant and force his unreasonable demands on you.

I personally couldn't take someone with that extreme kind of behaviour for any length of time. That you have been through so much pain with this, and are still there is amazing to me. He's very lucky.

It may be time to involve a third party. Maybe his mother, or sister, or a mutual friend that he trusts. He needs to hear an inventory of what he does, and how it affects you. He also has to hear that you are no longer willing to live your life under a dictatorship.

Insist that he see his family doctor, and prior to his appointment, see the doctor yourself to discuss why he is coming in. The more information he has the better.

Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no turning back. Counselling will likely be recommended to figure out why he is, or has become, the way he is.

Even after all of that, he may not be willing, and you have to expect that may indeed put you in a position of choosing to stay, or choosing to go.

Only you can decide when to stop trying to help him, and instead help yourself and your children get out from under his control.

I have been doing some thinking and trying to reconcile what you are currently going through with your desire to have a fourth child. (http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregnan...ge-470385.html ). I sincerely think you need to get help for him or get you and your children out of this emotional mess.

Babies and an immaculate house do not go together. Children and an immaculate house do not go together. Even if they are helping, it sounds like you still have a full day of cleaning and your husband's temper to deal with. This situation does not sound healthy for any of you.

I hope you are open and honest with your doctor about your home life. He/she should be able to guide you to people who can help. However, like your husband, you have to be willing to take the next step. Are you ready to make the necessary changes?

I'm thinking the last thing she needs to do it bring a baby into this situation.

With the problems you are having with your husband a baby will only add to it.
You need to decide if you want this to improve or entrench yourself deeper into it, a baby will do this.
The only way to escape this is to decide you will no longer put up with it. When you get tired of being sick and tired, you will make a decision and stick to it.
I wish you well.