How to cope married to a control freak?

Hi again;
My husband is usually really good with the kids, he may get a little upset with them when they misbehave but no more than any other father. When he disciplines them he does so only verbally, and just to the extent of telling them what they did wrong and why, he just goes on and on and on and on.
They also have to help with the cleaning. Our 13 year old son cleans the dishes and our 11 year old son vacuums the floors twice a day, but I am pretty sure that any other children their age does similar chores. Our 11 year old does find iot strange that he has to vacuum twice but they never ask their Dad, but they do come to me.
The kids and I are very open with each other. If everything is not in order in the evening when my husband comes home he gets an instant migraine and has to leave the house. Occassionally they ask questions about why Dad has his moments, but I do talk to them about their feelings after he has one of his moments. If they are upset about it, when my husband calms down I can point out that whatever he was upset about is not their fault and then he usually goes and apologizes to them.
I do think it is an OCD because he is totally fine in other peoples houses but he can just sense something is out of place in our own. If he is sitting in a room, even just to watch TV his eyes will scan around the room just to make sure if everything is right, and if it is not he has to pause the show and correct it first.
As a teenager he was extremely neat and everything had to be in order. It wasn't hard to keep the house in order then without children. Our first son was born 11 months after we married and even with one it was still okay. The house still to me looks as clean as before. When we sweep and if there was dust or lint or any pile of dirt, then to him the house is messy because he saw dirt. He feels there shouldn't be dust on furniture before we dust but that cleaning should be done daily or twice daily or how many times it takes so that there is never anything on the floors or other surfaces. The glass and mirrors should be clean before the smudge gets on it, etc... I don't quite understand the whole idea.
One person has suggessted talking to his parents but he does not talk with them, maybe once a year. Both are in AA, his father is a manic depressant and his mother is bi-polar, great mix for having a child.
I did not know any of that when we were married. My husband does know that some of this could have been passed on but he does not feel that keeping an immaculately clean house is an issue since I am a stay at home mom. Our 3 children were being homeschooled unitl December when I had my first misscarriage and couldn't handle it any longer. They are all doing great, 2 of them top in their classses, and our middle child is adjusting really well (he has learning dissabilities).
The only time that he helps with the cleaning is if I'm away with the children, when I come home the house is scary clean. Since he works 50 hours a week he says the house is my duty.
How do I get at setting boundries at how much I will do, It's not like a weekly chore list that I follow. I just clean until it is done daily. What kind of boundries could I set.
I do not believe in ending a relationship, to me for my family and the best interest of our children it is permanent. My parents ended their marriage when I was 13, and I would never do that to them. We need to work this through. I just do not know where to start and how.

You tell him that his excessive need for clean is not normal. To get a migraine because something is out of place is not normal. There is no reason the kids or anybody should vacuum twice a day. Tell him that he needs help. Tell him you will do what you feel needs to be done but that is it.
If you are going to stay and put up with his nonsense then you need to get some counseling and have an outlet. Counseling on how to keep your sanity and an outlet to keep from being depressed and feeling like a service rather than a wife.
I wish you the best.

Mckmel,

Is there anything else he is unhappy with you about? Is there anything else that he puts you down about? Is keeping the house clean the only thing he gets really gets upset over? Really think about it...because I am still not convienced it is OCD. It could be...but first think about how he treats you in every other part of your lives. Is he good and kind otherwise?

I am hearing everything you are saying and it becomes more clear to me that he needs help.

His parents having mental illness is also a huge red flag .

He has a mental illness and as his wife you have the responsibility to not enable him but get him the help he needs.

I do not think bringing a new baby into the mix is a good idea at all.
Stress makes OCD so much worse.

I suspect that stress may be a contributing factor with your miscarriages as well.

If he refuses counseling,then so be it but for your sanity and your children's,you should go and get educated on how to manage this problem.

Hopefully he will come around and get the help he needs as well.
I highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself and the children.

His OCD is giving him an excuse to be abusive and there is no excuse for that.

You husband is abusive rather you want to admit it or not. He is verbally abusive to the kids and there is no reason they must vacuum twice a day.
To go on and on and on about something is just crazy. Your children will get to the point they will avoid him at all cost or God forbid they grow up to be just as dysfunctional as he is. He is the way he is because of his parents.

Staying together for the kids is one thing but if they are being emotionally damaged what is the point?
Get some therapy. Get some help on how to counteract your husbands actions with your kids.

Hi again;
No, he is not controlling in anything else. He is pretty good with everything else. We have gone to domincian twice in the past 6 months, once with the children, once just with our 5 year old daughter for my sisters wedding.
We purchased a home two years ago in a new city that we had moved to - I picked the home, crazy me, it is 2000 square feet main level, thought the space would be great for the children, that way they have their own bedrooms and their own livingroom, I thought that way they could keep whatever they wanted down there, but it just means more to clean. I do all the shopping, all the bill paying, he doesn't want to have anything to do with it, doesn't even want to know anything about it.
I can go and visit my sister whenever I want, as long as I take the youngest 2 kids with me since they are too young to leave alone while he is out.
I would have to say that this is the only thing.
Mel

Mel,

Well girlie, you need to get some counseling. He needs it too but if he won't go...find someone who specializes in OCD and talk to them. They will be able to help and can point you in the right direction on how to deal with him. But please put your foot down and let him know you cannot go on like this...it isn't good for you OR your children. Tell him you are getting counseling and if he wants the marriage to work he needs to come with you.

You are going to stay in the relationship no matter what,your parents divorce has made it so you can't look to YOUR needs,only the fact that you would never do something like that,that might be something you might need to reassess.

Stringent goals like that can be damning to the kids,even though you think you had it bad ,that doesn't mean that this situation would end up the same way.I am only saying this for informational purposes,not that I think you should leave him.

Another point on the mental health of the parents,manic depression and bi-polar disorder are the same,just an old name and the new one.

The combination of the parents medical conditions and the fact that they are in recovery from alcohol,were these items known when you got married?,or are they something that became apparent during the course of the marriage?

If we are to understand this situation,sometimes we need to ask some questions of our own,like these.

HI
No, I never knew these things before we were married and neither did my husband. His parents always faught until one would leave for a few weeks and they still do this. They did not explain everything to him until a couple of years ago when they checked into a hospital, and then they called him to talk about it from there.
My husband has never done anything like what we have heard from them, but I don't want it to ever start either. His father told him at the hospital that he has been manic depressant for about 20 years and has been medicated for it. When talking to his mother she refers to herself as bipolar but she refuses to take any meds for it. Which one then is the current term?
My husband is not covered for health insurance yet, as his company is still going through the process of health coverage options. He claims that if he were to go to a doctor now then when they get health coverage the insurancee company does not pay for pre-existing issues.
Also in Canada if you have any history of mental illness than you lose your life insurance policy.
Just 2 reasons why he won't go in to see a doctor. He is willing to try herbs he says but he still does not think that there is anything wrong .

I have never heard of anyone losing their life insurance policy because they have had a history of mental illness. Is this something you can post a link to, or provide more information? It's news to me, and I'm Canadian, with life insurance, who has bouts of depression that last for sometimes months, and on medication. There has never been a problem with life insurance.

Perhaps he is twisting information to justify not seeking help.

I really don't see this as a problem that can be solved, without some intensive therapy for your husband. I also don't believe he thinks he's okay with his justifications and reasons for being so controlling.

Nobody can diagnose any mental illness without a thourough examination, nor diagnose medication, and counselling.

I didn't realize you were Canadian. You know and he knows that you can get a referral from your family doctor for counselling, assessment etc., and it won't cost a dime. There is nothing out of pocket. I've been there and done it myself several times.

Perhaps the key isn't what he can or cannot do for himself, but rather that he has dug in his heels, and will not entertain the idea that he has a problem. That he has had both parents diagnosed with mental illness does give a few clues, but again, he needs a professional assessment.

Is it possible for you to seek counselling for yourself? I'm not really sure that after 14 years with him, that you can clearly see how his extreme control over you and the children, is affecting you.