Hello;
We‘ve been together 7 years (familiar refrain on this forum!) married for 5, no kids. Our marriage has been blissful. We love each other and do to this day. We don’t fight, we have good communication, a satisfying sex life, well-balanced household life, and are managing reasonably well financially. When we met, I was 35 and she was 20. We were together a year, lived together a year and then got married. I’d never been married but I’d been through enough relationships to believe that she was the best I could find and by living together we tested it and it worked well. She had had a relationship but not a lot of life experience. We postponed kids so she could get established in a professional career.

Six months ago my wife (now 27) says her life is un-fulfilling because our marriage is un-fulfilling. She regrets getting married so young because she never got to live on her own, see what it was like to be involved with different types of people, be wild before settling down, serve in the Peace Corps.... She wonders if the grass-would-be-greener with someone else and doesn’t have the personal life experience to believe in her heart that odds are not in her favor – even though she understands it rationally. Oh wise one that I am, I suggested that she go to individual therapy to gain some insights into herself now that she has matured. I’d be happy to go to couples therapy with her but felt that she would benefit from individual therapy first. I’ve been in therapy several times and always found it helpful.

So, 6 months later the result of her therapy is that she wants to leave the marriage. She believes that she got married for the wrong reasons (because I asked, to make me happy and because she trusted I knew what was best for her) and she needs to go back and live the part of her life that she skipped. I would let her go do anything she wanted in the world and wait as long as needed for her to figure it all out (including moving out on her own for awhile or going into the Peace Corps....) as long as she would stay married to me and be faithful. But the therapy process convinced her that, although she loves me very much, to truly get through the next level of growth and be able to enter a marriage with the right feelings and the right reasons, she needs to let this one go – just separating wouldn’t be enough. She would never truly believe that the grass wasn't greener. Therapy moved her past the point where couples counseling works because the problem can’t be fixed by change within the marriage, it’s inside her.

So what advice do you have? Loving her and wanting her to be happy do I let her go in the way she wants? Any other options you can suggest? Divorce would be amicable but tragic because I believe the odds are that once she experienced how difficult and unlikely it is to have what we’ve had for seven years she would want this marriage back.

valinors_sorrow

I am sorry your marriage is ending. You are very wise to recognise that amicably is best for each of you and each other too. As hard as this may be to hear, she isn't really yours to keep or let go of so please try not to think in those terms (I am referring to: "do I let her go in the way she wants") If you are thinking in those terms, it will only make it more painful for you. Please remember that although it takes two to make a relationship successful, it only takes one to end it. And in my book, when someone of sound mind says its over, its over.

I have seen marriages where the man was initially something of a father-figure (consciously or sub) end in divorce when she finally "grew up" and therefore left home and him in the process. Some of them weren't even that much of an age difference too. Some vague things in what you've posted reminded me a little of that. You'll have enough on your plate just getting through the next period of seperating the "our" into "mine" and "yours", and the subsequent hurt and healing - it is a very tall order, that. I would not be thinking too far down the road in this. Take it one day at a time.

If by some amazing fluke of fate, you two meet again later and even more incredilbly you are both open to rekindling, then you'll have managed to beat some very very very long odds. And then it will actually take more courage than the divorce did. But since you are not there and there is no guarantee that will happen, best not think about it or even put emotional energy in it.

My condolences to you both. I know how hard divorce is.

YeloDasy

Great words Val... you pointed out all that I saw as well!

talaniman

It sounds as if she has made up her mind. Be nice but don't be stupid. Get a lawyer and put it in writing-Cry after you handle business.

phillysteakandcheese

I agree with all the responses so far -

The reality of your situation is that your marriage is over.
You just have to accept that fact and move on with your life.

MasonRacin

I have to say...reading your post made me wake up a bit. I'm nearly 20, in a serious relationship and have been faced with the marriage conversation. I love my boyfriend to pieces but I had to tell him that I wasn't ready for marriage because I am so young and I lack those life experiences like going and being wild before settling down. I understand how your wife may feel. I too, agree with the previous posts. She wants to go out and do her thing and there is no stopping her. Maybe once she gains the experience she desires, she may want to come back to you. I wouldn't dwell on that though, it's just a happy thought. I wish you the best of luck while "healing" from the divorce.

nzer

It is inevitably very hard for you, but if you love someone enough, then you have to respect their wishes and have a big enough heart to let them go, cos if she doesn't go now she will go, its just a matter of time. It has just happened to a friend of mine, he is now 50 with 3 young children - very sad.

I wish you all the best, be strong, love her and respect her for what she is and the choices she chooses to make. All the very best.

nkknaidu

It is clear that she has decided to break away with you. It is better you accept her feelings and let her go.

misslady111

You should have known that there was a possibility of something like this happening since you were old enough to be her father. Find someone your own age and let her go and do her thing. I think you knew she was too young to be getting married. Make wise decisions, not foolish ones.