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I will try not to make this too long of a story, so I will just give the basic details. I am 28 (she is 27) and have been married for almost 2 years. We have a good relationship, as she is the opposite personality of mine for the most part and we rarely fight (and when we do it is over something small and stupid). I only had 1 major relationship in my past and that ended with the typical "she was cheating and I was to nieve to know it and I got burned", so obviously I had a few trust issues after that period of my life. However, in my wife I found someone like me that actually thinks about how actions will affect others (for the most part) and who is literally scared to do anything that would hurt another person. I can read people really well after getting to know them, so I had her figured out really well.
If you discount the potential "road to cheating" situation, everything in our relationship has been great and even though we both want kids, we both decided to put it off for a couple years to spend as much time with each other doing fun things and just hanging out together.
Well I found out about a month or two after our honeymoon she was going to meet a friend out at a club, but it turns out it was to have her and her friend meet her ex-boyfriend (they only dated for a month or 2). The reason I know is because one night around the same time period she was writing a long email on our laptop on the couch, and when I went to get up and get something to drink, she stopped and minimized her screen and looked at me as if to make sure I was not trying to see what she was doing...You had to be there, but Hello talk about suspicious. Anyway, since we share everything (including knowing each others email passwords), I was easily able to read the email and found out that she was meeting him at the club, but he stiffed her just like he did in the past. I did not confront her then because I was shocked and hurt and I did not want her to not trust me because I read her email. Since he stiffed her, communication stopped except for a friendly email from time to time between the 2.
Recently (within the past month or so) he has been text messaging and calling her...(I pay the bills, including the cell bill which we share and there was his number on it a few times). She actually brought it up to me that he had emailed and called and texted a few times. I tried to stay as non-jealous as I could, but I warned her that despite her saying that they are just friends, that he is a guy and I guarantee that he wants more than friends (sorry guys, but most of us are immoral that way). I even tried to guilt her by saying, "hey, we are both adults and partners, I don't own you so you can do what you want, but how would you feel if I was communicating with and maybe meeting for lunch with an ex?" She still proclaimed they were just friends and she would never cheat, so I said ok, but to be careful because I know 100% what he wants.
Well, after hearing her cell phone go off the other day from receiving a text message, I read it after she did and it turns out the met for lunch 1 week ago. The logical part of me is still thinking "well lunch is just lunch" and I am positive nothing happened beyond that because none of the messages said anything except "it was nice seeing you again and thanks for buying lunch". However, he wanted to meet again for lunch or dinner today (thursday), but she would "let him know" if she could make it. One lunch to catch up with a friend is fine, but what does a second potential meeting 1 week later mean? As far as she knows I only know that he texted her a few times and called a few times...not that they met or that she was meeting him 2 years ago.
Could this truly be "just friends" meeting and her "showing off what he missed out on 5 years ago"(her phrase, not mine)...OR should I take the next step and confront her, possibly causing a trust rift because I have been "snooping" over what could potentially be nothing?
Sorry for the length, but I cannot talk to any friends or family because they all know her and I would not want to have them think any less of her for maybe no reason.
Any advice would be welcome.
Thank you
My last marriage ended because of cheating. I think women are sneakier than men. She probably knows you have read her email and text messages. She would not leave behind and evidence saying anything more than friendly coversation. All the good stuff gets deleted. She leaves behind certain stuff for you to read to ease your mind. Women are cats men are dogs. Cats cover up there crap dogs dont.
If it were all that innocent and she truly cared about your feelings, she would invite you to one of their lunches. Ask he if you can go along on her next "lunch date" and see what her reaction is.
Get this aired out with her asap, before it grows any further! Go into the conversation with a few realizations please:
1.You both owe each other complete frankness in this.
2. You both love each other sooooooooo NOBODY should be making the other one feel wierd in this-- so its on the both of you to talk it out until there isn't any wierdness, okay?
3. If, for some reason, you cannot manage 2 -- get help of some kind because doubt like the sort I saw in your post is like a cancer that if even a tiny piece of it is left, can grow and ruin things that are very hard to repair.
4. And if you do manage to talk it out, consider this a good wake up call and set up some mutually agreed upon guidelines to avoid freaking each other out over a simple flirt in the future. Its your marriage after all.
Im sorry for what i said it wasnt really advice, it was more like putting negative thoughts in your head. I think she should love you enough to understand were your comming from and stop talking to him. If not, oh well thats life, the more you try to control it the more it gets out of control. So my advice is if you love her just give her a 100% of your trust. Be a good man to her and if she does something to betray the trust karma will take care of it. Just be the best person you can be and you will be rewarded.
Thank you for all the advice. I know that talking is always the best thing to do in situations like this, it is not always the easiest though. It seems to me that my decision is either confront her and let her know 100% how I feel and what I know or let it go and put it in her hands and hope that it is nothing more than them being "friends". Well, I think that when our cell phone bill comes in, which will show the 25 or so Text messages sent back and forth I will use that as my "hey, I know you told me that he has emailed and texted and called a few times, but what is going on here" approach. I think being proactive is the best thing to do here because I think about this situation all the time and it is causing a lot of stress for me.
I'm as open-minded and secure in my relationship as anyone. One lunch with an ex is cool no problem. Texting is no problem. 25? another lunch? Let your wife know how you feel as soon as possible, nice but honest. If it starts an argument so what you need to air this out and set the rules for this now!
OK, I'm very rarely this blunt but it's time for you to BE A MAN and grow a pair! She is your wife so yes, in a sense you DO OWN HER! She does not contact this ex at all, period. He has disappeared from the face of this earth as far as she's concerned, from now until the day she dies. She does not text him, she does not phone him, she does not e-mail him, NOTHING! IF necessary, take her cell phone away from her and take the computer away from her. If she doesn't like it, then you pack your bags and go, then call the craftiest divorce lawyer in your state. She is walking all over you and CANNOT be permitted to do this. She is, in effect, CHEATING on you, if not literally then in spirit. Going to a club without you, a month after your honeymoon? Come on, now! She obviously isn't going to give you the respect you need and deserve unless you demand it of her. If she still doesn't budge then you're better off without her.
s_cianci agrees: At the risk of stereotyping, this tend to be true quite often.
I have found this as not the case for the smart, well educated, self sufficient, interesting women who outgrew such tactics back in highschool ....of which I have known many. If you aren't finding women like this, then what's up with that?
Forgive me Bailey-- I didn't mean to highjack your thread, and I won't do it again.
Had to spread more love Mom, but I applaud you on this one.
Most of the smart, well educated, self sufficient interesting women that I know have no reason being sneaky. The only ones I know who are sneaky have over-controlling husbands.
Hands it back to Bailey, sorry I just had to comment.
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