Asked Dec 7, 2008, 06:53 PM
Hi, I'm 25, and I've been married for about 3 1/2 years. My husband and I have a great relationship as friends, but we don't love each other, and we're not physically intimate with one another. Now, I know this may sound odd, so here's the whole story...when we got married, I was head-over-heals in love with him, and I thought I couldn't live without him. His family is very religious (Mormon), and they were pushing him to get married. We had known each other for about four years then, and I was delighted when he proposed to me. I thought all my dreams had come true. However, after we got married I found out that he had been "struggling" with same-sex attraction since middle-school (something he had never told anyone), and although there was some physical intimacy in the beginning of our marriage, it soon became clear that he mere cared for me on a best-friend basis (I guess love really makes you blind because I never caught on to it). In the beginning, I thought I could live with it, but as time went by and physical intimacy became fairly non-existent, my enamored feelings for him cooled-off, and I started seeing and loving him more as a very good friend. It has been like this for quite a while - we have a great relationship; we have fun together, we relate to one another, we go on dates, and do sweet things for one another. But the truth is he is simply not attracted to me (and I'm a pretty girl if I may say so
, and there's no sexual aspect to our relationship.
I was okay with the relationship, but about a year ago, I met another man that I have since then fallen in love with. He makes me feel wanted and desired in a way my husband never has. Due to my profession, this person and I have been spending a lot of one-on-one time together (at least 35 hours a week for practice- I'm an athlete) and going on frequent trips all across the country. For obvious reasons, we have gotten to know each other very well, and we've found that we have a lot of things in common and share many of the same views/beliefs about life. I know that he is very attracted to me physically, and that he truly cares for me. However, there's another BUT: (who would have guessed...) he's married as well. Although he told me that he had originally only gotten married to become a legal alien, I know he must have loved his wife at some point. He doesn't have kids (neither do I), and he's indicated that he's unhappy in his current relationship.
My husband knows about my feelings for this man, and he's fine with - and has even encouraged - me to "have something on the side" because he knows that I am unhappy with the sexual aspect of our relationship. Due to his upbringing, he has a strong urge to maintain the illusion of a perfect little family to the outside world, and he does not want to pursue his homosexual feelings (his family would basically disown him, so he does not see it as an option). I deeply care for my husband, and he's my best friend, but at the same time I truly love that other person in my life and feel for him in a way that I know I could not feel for my husband. I know it may sound cheesy, but he fills a void in me that I didn't even know existed, and I'm happier when I'm with him than I have ever been with anyone else.
However, I don't know what to do because I know if I let this relationship become sexual - which it unavoidably will knowing that we both have feelings for another - I know I will not only be breaking up a marriage, but also make myself fall in love with him even more deeply. My husband is very committed to maintain our marriage and keep me happy, but I know the situation has become a real mess. If you have any ideas or want to give me some advice, I would appreciate it. I ask you that if you choose to respond to my question to please do so in a respectful, inoffensive manner, and if you cannot do so please do not respond. I'm not a religious person, and I know many people have very strong religious/moral feeling about marriage, which I accept and respect, but I do not want to discuss these views in conjunction with my question since they are not part of my belief system (or the person's I love for that matter). Thank you.