The background to this(sorry about the length, hopefully puts in context though):

Married for 15 years, 2 kids.

We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them generally we lost touch with each other which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with ach other.

My wife, during the negative times started smoking (secretly), I estimate about 6 months ago, she won’t really tell me. I HATE smoking, don’t know why but I really detest it, always have, would never have married a smoker etc etc.

So during working out our relationship issues together, I found out about the smoking, found the evidence.

1st time I went off my head, totally wrong, shouted a lot, swore a lot (I don’t) and she said she would stop.

About 6 weeks later, I still suspected and raised very calmly, denied, a few days later raised very calmly again and she admitted she still was and would not stop, too stressed. I agreed to accept it (how good of me!!!), I am joking I know it sounds crap that I agreed etc, but I sought of decided if I was creating stress, harping on about smoking wouldn’t help, so I said my piece and completely backed off.

This has been quite successful, as I say we are getting on great, her stress levels are visibly down and she is happy and I am not obsessing on it (much).

The question:

My selfish hope through this is that she will decide to quit, her choice because I know I cannot make her. The reason I backed off was all about letting her find her way to quit.

Last night she fell asleep watching TV with me (something we couldn’t have done 3 months ago) and when she woke put a jacket on and went outside for a smoke. This really upset me, I hoped (and I actually sat and thought about it as she was asleep) that she would just go to bed when I woke her without a smoke. When she didn’t as I say I visibly got upset, after the smoke and when in bad she asked why, I then started spent 5 minutes explaining how upset I am, why she shouldn’t smoke, what the dangers are, how she might not see the kids grow up, why it was unfair to our daughter who has Cystic Fibrosis etc etc.

I feel bad this morning, but genuinely feel selfishly that I should not apologize, I gave her a hug this morning, told her I loved her and went to work. I can see though that it was on her mind.

What do I do, I can see that I am being selfish in a way, its her decision, but I can also see it sits beneath the surface for me and will keep coming up over time?

Gemini54

Although there is some truth to what SVImager says, I don't necessarily agree that your wife is having a full blown affair. An emotional affair, an obsession, a release from being with you, perhaps. But, I do agree that regardless of what it is it is eroding your family situation and your self confidence.

Taking back your power and your masculinity makes sense. But it's easy for someone else to say. The thing is, how do you actually do it?

I wonder if you would benefit form speaking to a counselor on your own - I can't remember if this is actually already happening in your relationship.

It seems to me that you feel dis-empowered and helpless to change anything at this point in time. Speaking to an objective outsider that can assist you to work on your confidence and reduce your neediness might help.

SVImager

Hi Gemini... You might be right... it might not be a full blown affair.

BUT, if his instinct is telling him there is an affair... more than likely he is right.

Whether it is a sexual affair or an emotional Affair (no sex, just confiding in each other)... it is the same pain. The Emotion Affair is harder to get over with than the sexual affair part of the cheating, because it is the Lost of Trust and companionship.

My Advice... You are torturing yourself... put an end to the Emotional Relationship. Very Important, Read the Book first so you understand WHY you are doing this and What is the Psychology behind this position. This statement worked for me, "I Love You, I don't Need you or anyone else.. I will make it without you." Google, "CR James" his ebook and material. (I read alot after finding out my wife's affair).
Having a divorce is not the end of the world... Life goes on and different challenges are ahead. Have her choose you and the family OR this other Man.

Cheating is a falling the edge of a Slippery slope. By confiding with the other man, she is playing on the edge. Every thing is stacked to push her over the edge to be involved with this man. You have to somehow put a stop to it... but she will eventually find something or someone else.

You have to figure out what is the thing or things causing her to go on the edge. If you ask her, she wouldn't know what it is. Or she would tell you the wrong thing because she doesn't really know what is the real problem. The only thing you can do is Fix yourself/change yourself. And Hope things will fall into place.


My situation: Took me Two years to get where I am today... My wife is laughing with me. We hold each other again. During the Affair, she didn't laugh with me... very judgmental with everything I did do... etc. Maybe my solution is only for me, since I am looking through the reflection of my own situation.

I hope the best for you.

Ramesees

As an update:

I am certain this is not a full-blown i.e. physical, may be false hope but I don’t think so.

We had our first proper argument for a while the other night!

I went over to friends for a beer, got chatting with him then his wife, his wife is another best friend of my wife’s. She started talking, ironically about the H1N1 issue I mentioned before in the post and how she could not believe my wife did that. She then said ‘I don’t understand why your wife cannot say no to him’ well this got me in a tailspin, her best female friend just underlined my feelings.

So I went home festering, she started asking what we had done all evening, I started telling her and we ended up in a full blown regression to old/bad times and argued about the stay home dad situation.

The good news is that we managed to stop, split for half an hour and then meet by the fire pit and talk calmly over why I had got so upset over a comment by her friend. We went at length through an ‘emotional affair’ what constitutes an emotional affair and where she was with stay home dad relative to this. Without knowing she basically acknowledged it, the potential for an emotional element to their friendship, then the penny dropped and she realized what I was saying rang true. She also in words, again without really knowing, confirmed that she did not need that now we were getting on.

The long and short of it is that an awful lot of my insecurity and concern disappeared the moment I saw she ‘got it’, now time will tell in her actions whether she really did get it, first signs are good. I don’t expect her not to be best friends with stay home dad, in a way I think having such a good friend is a good thing for her, but I think she needs to redefine the boundaries of that friendship to be appropriate for ‘Us’ and I actually think she believes that too. We will see.

Cat1864

I really and truly hope this will be the beginning of a new chapter in your marriage.

Good luck.

SVImager

Ramesees.... Good Luck.

What country are you from?