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My wife is smoking at 15 years and it upsets me deeply
The background to this(sorry about the length, hopefully puts in context though):
Married for 15 years, 2 kids.
We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them generally we lost touch with each other which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with ach other.
My wife, during the negative times started smoking (secretly), I estimate about 6 months ago, she won’t really tell me. I HATE smoking, don’t know why but I really detest it, always have, would never have married a smoker etc etc.
So during working out our relationship issues together, I found out about the smoking, found the evidence.
1st time I went off my head, totally wrong, shouted a lot, swore a lot (I don’t) and she said she would stop.
About 6 weeks later, I still suspected and raised very calmly, denied, a few days later raised very calmly again and she admitted she still was and would not stop, too stressed. I agreed to accept it (how good of me!!!), I am joking I know it sounds crap that I agreed etc, but I sought of decided if I was creating stress, harping on about smoking wouldn’t help, so I said my piece and completely backed off.
This has been quite successful, as I say we are getting on great, her stress levels are visibly down and she is happy and I am not obsessing on it (much).
The question:
My selfish hope through this is that she will decide to quit, her choice because I know I cannot make her. The reason I backed off was all about letting her find her way to quit.
Last night she fell asleep watching TV with me (something we couldn’t have done 3 months ago) and when she woke put a jacket on and went outside for a smoke. This really upset me, I hoped (and I actually sat and thought about it as she was asleep) that she would just go to bed when I woke her without a smoke. When she didn’t as I say I visibly got upset, after the smoke and when in bad she asked why, I then started spent 5 minutes explaining how upset I am, why she shouldn’t smoke, what the dangers are, how she might not see the kids grow up, why it was unfair to our daughter who has Cystic Fibrosis etc etc.
I feel bad this morning, but genuinely feel selfishly that I should not apologize, I gave her a hug this morning, told her I loved her and went to work. I can see though that it was on her mind.
What do I do, I can see that I am being selfish in a way, its her decision, but I can also see it sits beneath the surface for me and will keep coming up over time?
Getting on but my wife shows little love or emotion, am I wrong to need
There are some other posts that show a couple of issues I have been dealing with and raising, not sure they are insightful to this one or not.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years (together 20) and have 2 kids, 11&7.
Background:
We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them, generally we lost touch with each other, which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with each other.
However! My wife seems almost resistant to saying she loves me or showing any sort of emotion.
Now I guess we started out like most couples, lovey and showing it in many ways, after 20 years some of that lovey approach has waned and I guess it could be expected to.
(This is not about the physical relationship, that is how it has always been and we are both happy).
Since we have resolved a lot of our issues, I have felt ‘In love’ again and enjoy expressing it to her, saying it, giving her things that show I mean it and most of all making sure I listen and understand her. But throughout all of this she has shown very little emotional contact with me and openly says she wont say it ‘all the time’, she hasn’t said it to my knowledge in years. Part of the concern/issue I have is she also doesn’t really express it in any way either, so its not that I feel it but don’t hear it, anything that occurs is instigated by me.
We have discussed this and she just says she isn’t that sort of person, that she doesn’t need to say it or show me and I should trust her that she does love me. I have actually told her I am unhappy with this part of our relationship, she seems unaltered by that.
I made the mistake of actually suggesting to help the issue (and settle me a bit) she get me something that shows her love that I can keep, before I finished the sentence she went off her head, ranting about trust and how odd I am. It wasn’t very reassuring, and yes I know I am looking for reassurance.
Am I wrong to need to feel love, whether that be said or action?
I have definitely changed my attitude toward ‘Us’, I spent many hours reading posts, reading books on counseling and marriage guidance and made some dramatic changes to my approach to be ‘more about we than me’. With those changes came my expressing love more and so maybe its me expecting too much, but I need it so what do I do.
I can only suggest you focus more on family dynamics, and responsibilities, and put a lot more time into your kids, as you seem to have developed many insecurities, and that tells me that there is something your afraid of.
Whatever it is at the root of all your issues, until you discover it, don't be so needy, and more independent. This isn't about your relationship at this time, but in your actions, and what you focus them on.
Do you have hobbies, and friends, outside of work??
Often we husbands get ignored for the kids, as they require much attention, and have an emotionally needy husband is stressful, and annoying.
I know you have needs too, but there is only so much to go around when you have a few kids in the mix. They ALWAYS come first. Men are expected to endure, and keep it moving, so look around, and see what around the house needs your attention, and stay busy being man, and not be seen as one of the kids.
Thats how I handled my own fears, when it seems nobody cared about my needs, and seemed I was always put last. Good clean man fun will change your attitude, perspective, and outlook.
It has been proven....smoking kills and second hand smoke also kills.
It's not that maybe it might, its documented!!!
Stay on her about quitting if you love her.
It has been proven....smoking kills and second hand smoke also kills.
It's not that maybe it might, its documented!!!
Stay on her about quitting if you love her.
Did you know that too many potatoes can kill you too? Oh, and salad, the pesticides used to grow them, deadly, after a long time.
The fact is, it's her body, and no one has the right to tell her what to do.
Did you read the other posts? The marriage is not going well, if he pushes her, as you suggested, she may well walk out the door for good.
Bad advice and nothing to do with the actual question.
We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them, generally we lost touch with each other, which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with each other.
From what you say, your relationship does seem to be improving, but for some reason your insecurity radar has gone into overdrive. Your wife smoking, her relationship with stay-at-home dad, her lack of overt love/emotion it all seems to be getting to you.
It's just a suggestion, but might she be seeking release of her tensions else where (smoking, conversations with stay-at-home dad), because life is too intense with you?
It may be that you are expecting too much, or that you talk about it too much, or that you're hypersensitive about the quality of your relationship because it's been problematic in the past.
Can you back off, and give her (and yourself) some space? I agree with Tal, you do sound emotionally needy and perhaps you would also benefit from putting some energy into physical activities.
If the relationship is improving, then focus on enjoying it rather than analyzing it. Worrying won't change anything - but perhaps if you make a really strong attempt to put your fears on the back burner for a while - take it on a day by day basis - things will improve and you'll feel less anxious.
Firstly, I really appreciate the comments and feedback, it is why I am here.
As my threads were combined, here’s an update on 2 and question.
On the smoking, I’m sorted, have managed to put it way away in my head, not causing any issues or tension.
On the Needy love/emotion, still an issue but have accepted I get what I get and the ‘change’ in expectation me not my wife, so its my problem and I need to accept, so generally not causing any tension.
Then we get the stay home dad!
I generally have been able to accept the companionship angle, it helped me understand to see the comments, makes sense. However, a little issue for me is explained in the example yesterday.
The H1N1 flue and my daughter with CF obviously don’t want to meet!, so when my other daughter got a confirmed case of H1N1(or we suspected at the time confirmed later when she had recovered!) we isolated her and took much effort to ensure she didn’t catch it. So yesterday, when I get a phone call from a friend saying the stay home dads daughter had suspected H1N1 I fully expected that the reaction would be to keep them apart. That seemed to be the case, my wife changed plans and disrupted many things it appeared.
Then in the evening I called my wife to ask if I needed to make the kids dinner, they had been at soccer, she is with stay home dad at McDonalds with his kids, and my kids!
This really, really annoyed me, we spent so much effort on keeping my daughter with CF apart, then she, in my opinion because she wanted to be with stay home dad just ignores the facts and goes out.
Its fair to say that the conversation when she finally got back wasn’t a very positive or productive one, I told her calmly but quite obviously what I thought of her putting my daughter with someone who was ill and also told her why I believe she does it, she is obsessed. It went on for a while and she go angry that I reacted in a negative way and that I am ‘not over it’, her and stay home dad that is, I feel pretty crap now, but having slept on it, I still think its true.
Btw, I don’t believe that the CF daughter should be isolated from H1N1, that was my wife’s idea which I supported, we have dealt with CF for years and this is no different than any other flue, but she seems to have changed track when it suits, that’s the issue. I need to be with xxxx I will compromise my position to make that happen.
Now I know I am needy and agree with most comments posted about me, but is this me or unacceptable? Because I am struggling with what appears to me to be more than a want to be with a friend, she seems to need to be with him.
Listen Ramesees... From reading your posts... She is cheating on you. All the signs are there.
All these other stuff are unimportant and just symptoms of her guilt and imbalance in her life. You can confront her, but it will get you nowhere. You have to be a Mature Man about all this.
The Secret Affair is eating at her and it is effecting you and your family and your relationship to each other... this situation will implode on itself, given time.
You have a choice to make... to stay with her at this moment of weakness or to leave and let her self destruct from relationship to relationship.
To Stay is a harder and tougher path.
To Leave is easier for you, but your kids will have consequence that will be pass on to them.
To Stay.... you are not going to Change her... you have to Change yourself to becoming a Man, a better Man. NOT someone who gives in to her. This doesn't mean being an A-hole or a Jerk or controlling... IT is complicated for me to explain. It is better for you to read "Ways of a Superior Man" by David Deida.
To Leave... get yourself a Private Investigator and a Lawyer.
This situation is as much as your fault as it is hers.
You are an enabler, unbeknownst to yourself.
When someone is a Hammer, the other will be the Nail.
When someone is a Teacher, the other will be a student.
Either Path, you would still need to read that book I mentioned... because it will help you understand women and thus start your dating life again.
BTW, I was in your shoes two years ago.
I was in a 16 year marriage with two girls.
I was a Nice Guy and a Chump... I gave in to my wife going out without me and etc. I had to change me... It is still a rough path, but my kids will be better for it. It does get better... but it will be painful and has to hit bottom.
Read the Book than learn how to be the Price and find a Passion a Goal in life that is not her. She will eventually find you appealing again. The stay at home Dad is just another diversion (it could've been another guy), the problem is your marriage and all her stuff: smoking, boredom, lost of respect, lost of passion for you... stems from you not being a Man and filling that ROLE as the Man. Read the book on how it is done. It is NOT about being a JERK. Good Luck and God Bless.
Obviously this is an issue for you. Often, when under stress, people will use smoking as a form of "self-medication" to try and alleviate the stress. Of course, the relief is only temporary and once the initial perceived benefit wears off, there's the addiction factor to consider. And nicotine is a highly addictive substance. I wouldn't make her feel guilty for smoking ; after all, it's not like she's doing anything illegal. But I would encourage her to quit and assure her that you'll give her whatever support she needs to accomplish this. There are therapies that can successfully break the addiction when properly administered by a physician. The good news is that she's only been doing it for 6 months so she shouldn't be "hopelessly hooked" already. And I agree that she should not be doing it in the presence of your daughter who has cystic fibrosis.
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