My wife is smoking at 15 years and it upsets me deeply
The background to this(sorry about the length, hopefully puts in context though):
Married for 15 years, 2 kids.
We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them generally we lost touch with each other which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with ach other.
My wife, during the negative times started smoking (secretly), I estimate about 6 months ago, she won’t really tell me. I HATE smoking, don’t know why but I really detest it, always have, would never have married a smoker etc etc.
So during working out our relationship issues together, I found out about the smoking, found the evidence.
1st time I went off my head, totally wrong, shouted a lot, swore a lot (I don’t) and she said she would stop.
About 6 weeks later, I still suspected and raised very calmly, denied, a few days later raised very calmly again and she admitted she still was and would not stop, too stressed. I agreed to accept it (how good of me!!!), I am joking I know it sounds crap that I agreed etc, but I sought of decided if I was creating stress, harping on about smoking wouldn’t help, so I said my piece and completely backed off.
This has been quite successful, as I say we are getting on great, her stress levels are visibly down and she is happy and I am not obsessing on it (much).
The question:
My selfish hope through this is that she will decide to quit, her choice because I know I cannot make her. The reason I backed off was all about letting her find her way to quit.
Last night she fell asleep watching TV with me (something we couldn’t have done 3 months ago) and when she woke put a jacket on and went outside for a smoke. This really upset me, I hoped (and I actually sat and thought about it as she was asleep) that she would just go to bed when I woke her without a smoke. When she didn’t as I say I visibly got upset, after the smoke and when in bad she asked why, I then started spent 5 minutes explaining how upset I am, why she shouldn’t smoke, what the dangers are, how she might not see the kids grow up, why it was unfair to our daughter who has Cystic Fibrosis etc etc.
I feel bad this morning, but genuinely feel selfishly that I should not apologize, I gave her a hug this morning, told her I loved her and went to work. I can see though that it was on her mind.
What do I do, I can see that I am being selfish in a way, its her decision, but I can also see it sits beneath the surface for me and will keep coming up over time?
No, I don't think that's it you. I agree with the poster above. There are 3 sides to the story.
You mentioned that when you try to talk to your wife about the situation, she laughs it off and says you are being "stupid" about it?
Let me ask you something, when you try to talk to her, how does the conversation go??
Do you start to tell her, then she laughs it off, and you let it go??
I don't think that she is cheating on you physicaly, but she is definitely getting something out of it, whether it be mental/emothional..
My advice to you is to really sit her down and tell her that this is a big concern of yours. Don't let her minipulate the conversation. You take control over it and let her know that this is very hurtful for you to see. You want to be that man that she confide in and laughs with and shares her day with. Not another man. I wish you luck my friend.
She may not be having a physical affair but she is having an emotional one.
How much time do you two spend together? You say she spends 5 plus hours with him every day, they go out together, she tells you she doesn't feel like talking to you but she'll go talk to him?
I'd be upset too.
Time to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about this. Be honest but non threatening. Try not to accuse her of anything. Lead with things like "I feel...." and "I don't understand...", not "You make me feel.." or "you are.." try not to make it about her and this guy, but about you and your feelings.
Calm and rational, but completely honest.
It's a juggling act, but that's the way to get somewhere with her. If you accuse it will just make her back away from you and continue her behavior.
a) When I talk with her, she dismisses it and if I persist she seems to get it, but her actions after suggests she is just agreeing to stop the discussion.
a) Until about 3 months ago we spent little time together, we were cohabiting a house effectively, we have fixed a lot in our relationship since this. We now through effort(and I do believe effort on both sides) try to spend time in the evenings together. A lot of her day while I am at work is typically spent with him and his kids, to the point where she has to go to the gym in the evening when I get back from work, which also miffs me a bit.
a) When I talk with her, she dismisses it and if I persist she seems to get it, but her actions after suggests she is just agreeing to stop the discussion.
a) Until about 3 months ago we spent little time together, we were cohabiting a house effectively, we have fixed a lot in our relationship since this. We now through effort(and I do believe effort on both sides) try to spend time in the evenings together. A lot of her day while I am at work is typically spent with him and his kids, to the point where she has to go to the gym in the evening when I get back from work, which also miffs me a bit.
Do you have kids?
If not, why isn't she working?
Maybe getting a job would make her less dependent on this guy.
It sounds like she's stuck in a rut, in a new place, lonely and has found a friend to take some of that away.
I don't think she's cheating on you, but she's also not taking your feelings into consideration. This is not good for your marriage. You have to find a compromise, both of you do.
I had to go back and re-read you original post. There was no mention of this man being married? I would think so considering he is a stay at home Father, how else would he supplement an income.
So, is he married, and if so, what does his wife think about this relationship??
He is married and Tuesday thru Thursday his wife lives away from the house due to her work, so she is only about 3 days a week, which allows some of the extensive time that they spend together. What she thinks I really don’t know, she is a friend with my wife and all seems fine.
I know from your other thread that you have a daughter with Cystic Fibrosis and that you "HATE" smoking which she started doing during the bad time. Does she feel less judged for her smoking next door?
I think she may be bored. Since you moved to another country are there restrictions on getting a job? Is your daughter's health a factor in her ability to keep one?
I know you don't want to hear it, but I think marriage counseling may be good for you even if she won't attend the sessions. I think it might help you learn ways to open conversations with her about your concerns without making her defensive. She could even change her mind.
Now it all makes sence to me. They both are lonely, and searching for companionship, not a sexual relationship, just companionship.
When it all comes down to it, it really doesn't matter whether is wife is ok/not ok with this situation, the point is, you are uncomfortable with it. Your wife should maybe consider making more friends, girl frineds.
The fact that they text 10+ times or even at all in the middle of the night, doesn't sit well with me. I would have to say that I would be livid if my spouse were texting the opposite sex in the middle of the night, UNLESS it was a relative!
Altenweg is correct about sitting your wife down in a calm manner. Arguing with her will not get any where, it will only create more problems. You definitely need to get to the root of the problem before you fly off the handle. You don't want that. Good luck.
Cat1864 yes she probably is happier there, he smokes btw. I have considered the same, even though we are good together, there are still tough aspects to our home life, one daugher with CF and the other a Tween who is causing stress.
Cat1864 yes she probably is happier there, he smokes btw. I have considered the same, even though we are good together, there are still tough aspects to our home life, one daugher with CF and the other a Tween who is causing stress.
I can see that there are tough aspects to your home life and I do understand that in relationships one person can't be expected to be all things to the other partner.
But. And it's a big but. When one partner starts to get considerable emotional sustenance from another person, then that's getting very close to being cheating. I say this because when you want to talk to your wife, or 'debrief' about your day, she says she's too tired. I say this because when she wants to talk she texts stay-at-home-dad, or takes the dog for a walk and talks to him over the fence.
I can also understand that time can make a relationship stale and that people can take each other for granted. But. And again, it's a big but. She seems, from what you say, to be dismissive of your concerns, and unwilling to see how her behavior is hurting you.
Talk. Away from the house and the kids if you can. Let her know what you told us.
Walk the dog with her, invite stay-at-home-dad and his wife around for dinner or a BBQ. Get yourself involved with stay-at-home-dad and his wife and see if that changes the dynamic.
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