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During 18 years of marriage my wife would periodically fly into a rage, and without warning launch a verbal attack on me so sudden and viscious it would leave me utterly devestated. It felt like being kicked in the stomach. The "reason" was always something relatively trivial, just as likely to be something I hadn't done as something I did. This happend on average maybe once or twice a year. It would take me a matter of days to work through the emotional trauma and regain some kind of composure. Sometimes afterward she would cry and say how sorry she was. In between these episides, she was loving, kind and generous. After every episode I managed to convince myself that these fits of rage were anomalies that didn't reflect her true feelings. About four years ago it started to happen more frequently, until finally it was happening once or twice a month. I told her I couldn't stand it any more and asked her to go with me for counselling. She declined, but did get a prescription for an antidepressant which seemed to help for awhile. Then it happened again, and something inside me just sort of gave up. I admitted to myself that this rage was an integral part of her personality, and would likely remain so for the rest of her life. About this time I also started to experience intermittent erectile dysfunction. When I suggested that maybe I should see a doctor about it, she said "Don't bother, I haven't been interested in years". That was two and a half years ago and we haven't had sex since. I'm mostly beyond anger and blame now, and I feel like I have forgiven her, but emotionally I still don't trust her. Is it possible to forgive, but still not trust, or does the lack of trust mean I haven't really forgiven her? It's bad enough having to give up sex, but the lack of intimacy is what's hardest to bear. We get along OK on a practical level, but the juice has gone out of our relationship. The curious thing is that since we stopped being intimate, she hasn't had a single fit of rage. I don't know how to interpret this, and I really don't know how to improve the situation. Any ideas?
Part of the problem may be that you have adapted to it instead of nipped it in the bud and now that you have some much time invested in your marriage, its hard to concieve of it ending. I can certainly appreciate that. I do get the sense that the only way this can be affected is if you own that you cannot live like this and insist she go see someone fifteen minutes before you walk out the door for good. I mean no disrespect but otherwise, she has in essence (meaning to or not) trained you well. She will either wake up and see the risk in her behavior and change or you will be on your own with the chance at a full relationship somewhere down the road.
In the end, only you can decide what is worth what in this equation.
I applaud your coping skills but for now your okay to deal with this problem but how long before your tired of it? You will I think have to deal with this directly one day, so pick a goood time and good luck!!
This post haunts me as I've always held that honest communication can solve most problems. so my question is where is the communications? Also walking around waiting for some one to attack can't be fun at all. Putting myself in your shoes I think talking would be first and if no satisfaction is forth coming, time to go fishing for a few days just to remove myself from the stress and clear my own thoughts. I've been married 32 years and my wife just turned 50 so you bet I recognise when the hormones rage in my house, but to be afraid to talk about it is unthinkable and can lead to one hell of a resentment. Does she take meds or anything?
This post haunts me as I've always held that honest communication can solve most problems. so my question is where is the communications? Also walking around waiting for some one to attack can't be fun at all. Putting myself in your shoes I think talking would be first and if no satisfaction is forth coming, time to go fishing for a few days just to remove myself from the stress and clear my own thoughts. I've been married 32 years and my wife just turned 50 so you bet I recognise when the hormones rage in my house, but to be afraid to talk about it is unthinkable and can lead to one hell of a resentment. Does she take meds or anything?
Yes, communication is a wonderful thing, but both have to be willing and able to participate and contribute. The roots of this thing are pretty deep in her psyche, and I don't think she understands it well enough herself to be able to talk about it in a way that will lead to a resolution. She still takes an antidepressant, which may deserve some (most?) of the credit for two-plus years without an eruption. But based on our last real attempt to discuss it (a few months ago), I don't think she's any closer to understanding it for herself. She doesn't seem to like introspective thought, and I know for sure that trying to force her to discuss things she doesn't like to think about is counterproductive.
I should maybe say in response to this and other posts that our daily life isn't as bad as it might sound, especially since there haven't been any attacks for some time. We get along well on a practical level, we have a daughter and two grandchildren who live with us, a son away at college, friends and other family nearby, and a full and active life. Besides, I love her, and in spite of her unresolved anger issues, I'm sure she loves me. We did promise "For better and for worse, in sickness and in health", and we are keeping that promise. We didn't promise to honor and cherish each other only "as long as the sex is good and the emotional intimacy is satisfying". It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't put up with in a loved one, but loved ones have a way of being who they are, warts and all, and blowing them off because of the warts doesn't necessarily bring the satisfaction we think we're entitled to.
Thanks for a much clearer picture, The advantage older more settled people have in dealing with conflict is probably less drama and more thought out solutions as well as an acceptance of who we are and who we love. She may never be able to talk about her problems, but if everything else is going well and it sounds like it is then be patient and loving and enjoy what you have and not make a problem bigger than what it should be. Being able to accept people for who they are is a blessing and not to be dismissed.
Ordinaryguy...it sounds like you really love your wife. I guess as long as you are happy with the situation there probably isn't any advice you haven't received yet. You are two must be quite the couple to have stuck to your vows.
Ordinaryguy...it sounds like you really love your wife. I guess as long as you are happy with the situation there probably isn't any advice you haven't received yet. You are two must be quite the couple to have stuck to your vows.
Yes, I do love her, or it would have ended years ago. It isn't quite accurate to say I'm happy with the situation, but in spite of its limitations, I see the value in continuing it, so I suppose you could say I'm resigned without being bitter. I'm taking it as a lesson in how to continue loving through disappointment. It's not the lesson I would have preferred to be learning at this point in my life, but if preferences ruled, we'd probably miss the lessons we really need to learn. Every day that passes without a major eruption builds a little bit of hope, so I try to stay focused on that. And I do thank all of you for your kind and thoughtful responses. Sometimes, what we need more than a solution to our problem is a bit of understanding, and I feel like I've gotten that here, and I really do appreciate it.
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