Hello everyone. I will try to make this as short as possible. I am a 39 year old married mom of 4 children ages 10, 13, 17, and 20. The 20 year old recently moved out. Here is my story:
Last April I found out my husband of 14 years was cheating on me. We separated (he left me). I begged him to stay and we could work on things. He left anyway and about a month later, he moves the ow in our house, and she is pregnant by him. We have 2 houses, so I moved in the one that was more convenient to me and the kids. My kids and I went through so much grief in the past year. The ow had the baby in december. I thought I would lose my mind through all this. I never dated anyone (didnt want to), never went out. All i done was take care of my kids and try to entertain them to keep things off their minds. My husband would attend their ballgames, take em to movies, and that was about it. He did support us financially. I made it through and was just beginning to get used to the fact that he was not coming back, when all of a sudden he mentions about us getting back together. I love this man so much and so do my kids, that I was so happy. He has been home 3 weeks now. I knew it would be different, but seems as if I am the only one trying to make things work. I am holding everything together. He has been sleeping in the spare bedroom, we have not done anything together, just us or as a family. He acts as if he doesnt want to be around me. He never kisses me goodbye when he goes to work like he used to. He is on edge all the time. , but yet he wont confide in me what the problem is. When he first came back, he said he wanted to try to make it up to me and the kids for the year that he left us. Said he didnt want to be with another woman. He wanted a family life. It has been anything but that.
I have busted my butt trying to do everything to please him. I have been walking on pins and needles, afraid he will leave again if somethin goes wrong. I am trying to keep a tidy house, run all the errands , take kids to practices and games, cooking good hearty meals. I practically wait on him hand and foot. But it seems as nothing i do matters. He is not even trying to make things work. Today is the Kentucky Derby, he goes to the track, I told him I would like to go, but he acted like he didnt want me to, so I didnt go. I was so hurt. We had a very small argument and he says "I will just come back later and get my things and leave." It wasnt really an argument, just me wanting to know what was going on in his head (thinking).Anyway, the question is.......is there anything I can do or say to him that would make him change his behavior towards me? If he leaves us again, I just dont know if I can be that strong again. All I want is my family together and doing family things together once in a while at least. Should I just let him go? Or keep holding on ? I am in need of advice and help please!

fredg

Hi, lovinmom,
I am 64 yrs old, divorced after my 1st 7 yrs of marriage, waited 3 years, and now re-married for 29 yrs. Life throws us a bunch of curves sometimes, and it's all in how we handle it.
Doing family things, as you once did, as you said yourself, was really over when your husband started cheating on you! I thought my life had come to an end, when I was divorced, breaking up a family with two small boys, 5 and 6 yrs old. The type of family life I had known, since I was a child, was over. I wouldn't have a chance to have the same type of family. It was quite a blow!
My suggestion is to talk with a lawyer, get some professional advice, and start Divorce proceedings. Your children are much more "adaptable" than we think, and you have to face the fact that the family is not longer what you want it to be. I do wish you the best. Your happiness should not be put off any longer. Things will get better, but not with your husband.

Chery

Dear lovinmom, I agree with what fredg suggests. Unfortunately, right now, I think, your husband has lost all respect for you somehow, and you'll not be able to get that back - even if you 'walk on pins and needles'. He's set his mind to 'ex' already. He probably just does not want you to get more than he's willing to give in a settlement. This is what makes most men come back just one more time, to convince you that they 'really, really, tried'. We, of course know that this is B.S. BIGTIME. Sorry to sound so crass, but it's an old trick, and most women still fall for it.

You can't trust him or his actions anymore, so why would you want to stay with him? Please respect yourself more than he does. Your children will just grow up in a 'single-parent' household, which is very common now - and they'll be a lot better off without the crap that 'daddy' is feeding them and you.

Talk to your lawyer, get things settled on paper to your benefit. If he still thinks he 'wants a family' with you, then he can do it even after the divorce. That, at least will show his true feelings, and no longer keep you in the dark. Remember, you invested a lot of love and energy into this, so make certain that he does not get out that easy. He's just trying to make things smooth for himself.

So, think of the stress-level you and the kids will no longer have in the near future and strive to a tranquil life with your kids - and maybe someone new that treats you with more respect!

Good luck,dear, and please keep us posted.

P.S. There is LIFE after all this - stay optimistic!

lovinmom

Thank you all for your help and advice. Today is Sunday.he left yesterday about 3pm and we have not heard from him since. He will not return my calls nor the kids calls. He doesnt even have enough respect for us to let us know what is going on. I truly believe in my heart he is back with th O.W. I cannot believe he has done this not once, but twice. There is no way i would let him back into my home now. My 10 year old daughter went into a crying frenzy....says she is not having anything to do with her dad anymore. I hurt more when I see my children hurting. I think she is embarassed also, because when he first came back home, she was so happy she was telling everyone. As for myself, yes, I am hurting, but right now I am more angry with him because he was not a man about any of this and he put forth no effort into making our marriage work. I do have a lawyer. We began our divorce last year shortly after our separation. We were to go to court on the 10th of this month for a final hearing. That will have to be postponed because he hasnt turned in his disclosure statement. I am gonna try my best with moving on and having a life without him. He came back with so many big plans and ideas of what we were gonna do with our family and lives. All a crock. Again, thank you all for your help.

Myth

I wish you the best of luck in this. I know it's going to be hard but it sounds like your not afraid of a bit of hard work. I know you have probably already asked about this to your lawyer but i'm going to bring it up again. Most judges will grant a devorce baised on infedelity pending proof. Well I think that you have that proof, baised upon that I would ask about the things of monitary value and how he plans on supporting the children. I don't know weither you work or not but the quality of life that you and your children have and are accustomed to is important to their well being. I wouldn't be vindictive about it and take everything, but you do need certain things to live. Make sure you and the kids are getting what you need including child support. Sorry to overstep if I have, but just make sure you guys are taken care of.

talaniman

Your decision to divorce, though sad, may be a blessing in disguise as the stress of a cheating and uncaring partner can be put behind you and give you a chance to find yourself and true happiness which we all need. Look out for yourself for a change!

CaptainForest

That would depend on where she lives. If she lives in a no-fault divorce state, then the fact that he had an affair during the marriage is an irrlevent fact.

educatedhorse_2005

It sounds like his love interest kicked him to the curb and he came crawling back.
It also sounds like he wants a housekeeper instead of a wife my recommendation would be to get rid of him

momincali

I can understand wanting to save your marriage for the sake of your children, but how on earth can you go through so much garbage for a guy who has not only walked out on his wife and 4 children, but then was irresponsible enough to walk out on his newborn with the other woman? That to me spells selfishness beyond belief. I smell a rat, big time! I think he may have even been kicked out by the other "woman" because he may have been unfaithful again to her.

This guy doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. He didn't care about how his behavior would affect his kids, how they would feel abandoned. So he went to their games, he MOVED OUT for someone else and made a new baby. He may have never really had the intention of returning to work it out. He knew you'd take him back and that's cheaper than a motel. Otherwise, why didn't he make an effort? Why sleep in the other room? Why ignore you?

Don't let your kids see another moment of this. Show them (especially if any of them are girls) that they have a strong mom who will stand up for herself and will not be allowed to be treated this way by anyone, whether it's their father or not. Then, seek out the meanest divorce attorney you can find, I mean a real pit bull (no insult intended to the breed) and protect your assets from this creep. If you don't, you'll be left out in the cold and you have kids to think about. It doesn't matter whether you bought the property together or not, it was his actions that lead to this break up and forced you to play it this way.

lovely mmt

Hi lovinmom
I know this is the most unbearable time for you right now.
I just wanted to give you some advice on the kids.
Whatever you do, pay attention to every detail of your babies lives. This is critical. It makes me cry to remember what I went through as a child when my parents split up. I'm the youngest of 4. My father did the same thing. Cheated and Walked out. My mom lost it. But in the process was so torn we were kind of left on the backburner. I became clinicaly depressed. Didn't even know it at the time. Took me 4 years to come out of that slump.
If anyone had paid any attention to these symptoms it would have saved me a ton of grief.
Look for things like your kids changing friends or stop having any, their grades in school, etc.
Make your babies talk to you even if it may be uncomfortable.
Sometimes talking is all it takes.
Godbless and remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.