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Okay...so I don't know exactly where this question belongs so I am putting it here. Please bear in mind that I need any and all points of view here.
My husband told me today about an idea he had about earning money. He said that if he goes to work for a company in another province, he could work for 10 years and then retire at the age of 40. I know this would involve him going away for longer periods of time. However, I didn't know that it meant for 10 years. He said we could all go visit monthly and he might get some time off but for the most part he would be working and I would be here with the kids. As things sit now, he works 2 weeks and gets 1 off, so we wouldn't see him much less.
I talked to him about all of us moving but that would cost more because the cost of living is so much more over there versus here. He hates his current job and doesn't want to do this job for another 20-25 years (I can't really blame him). We did have a plan for retirement (none of the truck driving jobs really offer a retirement or pension plan). We decided when the baby was in school I would go to work and we would bank any money I make but now I wouldn't have to. If we stuck to the plan we would still see eachother less.
We both want to be with eachother, but there is no money for a family of seven when working a local job. Basically his plan gets us money but he is gone almost the entire time.
I guess I just want to know how to feel. This situation feels like it is lose-lose. No matter what we decide there are down sides to it. What would you do? I realize it would be a huge sacrifice either way. One way my kids miss out on their dad and I miss out on my husband and the other way, we both have to work like dogs for the next 25 years (at a job he hates). My heart says the money isn't important but logic tells me that this might not be so bad.
Does anyone have any opinions or ideas?
I just don't know why this idea makes me so sad...but thinking about the first plan doesn't make me feel much better. I feel like everything is falling apart and I really don't know what to do. He said that he wants me to be here for him at the end of all of this but if I didn't think I could stick it out that he would understand. He has decided that this is what he wants for his family.
Hi aqua, I just read your post and I feel really sad to hear all of this, to me that is a big sacafice it would be like you are not married if he leaves for that long and then he would miss out on so many important things in the childrens lives.
There is no right or wrong answer, but rather various opinions, etc.
Here is my take on it.
Right now, you say he works 2 weeks, then is off for one.
So, he is off for about 17 weeks a year?
Under the new plan, you see him one weekend a month? So 24 days or 3 and a bit weeks in the year?
Money or Being Around.
Money is important, yes…..
But family is far more important.
If he is gone for the next 10 years, who will be a male role model for your children? And raising 7 children on your own must be very hard. I know someone who raised 2 on her own, and that was a handful for her.
You say that relocating is not possible because the cost of living is more expensive. However, will his new job pay enough to offset these extra costs?
Obviously, one wants to work in a job they like, but being away from your family for 10 years, I just think that is a worse option.
Money comes and goes. You can lose all your money tomorrow. The bonds and the experiences you have as a family stay with you forever.
The idea of being apart makes me sick, literally. I know...we are apart a lot now, but more? I love him very much and we have been together since I was 16 years old. Now, almost 13 years later, I am afraid that a move like this would really tear us apart. I know the kids would miss out. I know this. But what do you do when your husband hates what he's doing? He is so unhappy at his job that our home-life is being affected. There is no right answer here. I just wish things could be different.
I can't even begin to describe how awful this seems. This whole thing has exausted me. I will be back in the morning. I hope you all have a good night, morning, day or whatever.
That is so sad!
I wouldnt know where to start myself..
The best advice i can give you, because i cant decide for you, is to sit down with your husband, and both do a pro and con list. This is serious becuase you have kids involved too, and it would be very hard on you being a working mom alone while your hubby is in another province.
Aqua, this is a really hard situation... you don't want your husband to be unhappy, but you also want what's best for yourself and your kids, and finances are very important, especially when you have a large family. I really feel badly for you!
I'm not sure what to add to what has already been suggested, except that are you absolutely sure you can't afford to relocate with him? I know there are some places to live in Canada that are a lot more expensive than others, and I don't know where he is going, but... in most areas of Canada it's expensive to live in the city, but cheaper in smaller towns. Could you possibly relocate to a small centre close to where he is working? Like say, an hour away? At least then you may be able to see him more often, or he could even commute. As CaptainForest says, he will be making more money if he takes the new job, so that should help with the costs, and if you are going back to work soon as well, that will help, too.
I'm curious where he's planning to go, and what the job entails. You don't have to share that of course, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. But it might give some of us more of an idea what you are up against. In any event, take care of yourself!
No biggie Chava. He is looking at going to work in the oilfield. It would mean we would have to relocate to Edmonton. We were looking at that this spring but decided against it. At the time he was looking at a local job where he could be home every night, so we had to be in the city so he wouldn't have to drive to far. However, you have come up with not a bad thought at all. Maybe we could move to a smaller town within an hour or so of Edmonton. I know there are many, many places around there. If we could move and when he does get time off, that wouldn't be too far for either of us to travel. I definitely think we will have to discuss this option. He hates lawyers and we had a horrible experience with the lawyers regarding this house. Maybe we could try this for 6 months or a year and if he likes it, we could find a new home there. Maybe by then he would be willing to deal with a lawyer again.
My personal feelings is I could not live apart from my spouse or children. Even if it meant more money. I do not think I could do it. I do believe distance is not good in relationship and it would be very hard. I would not take that risk. His family should be more important. So, in ending. There should be a way for the whole family to be together. Please do not let this tug at you, just my personal feeling. Does not mean it wont work. For me it would not.
That is not a bad idea eighter, to try it for a time to see what he feels about the work.
Joe
The first thing I am thinking here is to investigate just how possible is it to try this new arrangement on and if it proves to be unacceptable can you reclaim the old arrangement easily? Risk assessment kind of thinking...
I am married to a long haul trucker who works straight for three weeks and then is home 3-4 days, then three weeks again--in a cycle like that. He loves it because it pays well enough with considerably less crap in the mix -- believe it or not, he left a higher paying job to do this but it was literally killing him before (and I really understand that since so did I).
While we don't have kids (just pets) it has been a big challenge to accomodate this lifestyle. I buddied up with other trucker wives for a while for support and tips. It was reasoning a lot like what I hear your husband making that led us to do this -- my husband makes three times more money than if he worked more locally. This way we have enough money, we are both happy in our work and the relationship is stronger for having met those challenges. With that said, a life apart is not doable for everyone and you are the best one to evaluate that.
I am however really really looking forward to retirement where I get to keep him (and so is he)!!
Financial pressure can be a terrible thing. Financial security can go a long way to easing things in a family and it is possible to learn how to make quality rather than quantity. It may take some creative efforts to do so though. If you both opt to do this, I will help all I can with supporting you learning how to manage a time-constrained relationship, okay?
No biggie Chava. He is looking at going to work in the oilfield. It would mean we would have to relocate to Edmonton.
Ah, the oilfields... I can see why he would want that job... lots of money to be had there! Actually I thought maybe it was that, or else some specialized job in the far north.
I have a friend living in Leduc, which is quite close to Edmonton. She has 3 small children and says that it's a wonderful family community with lots of parks and good schools. Her husband is an auto mechanic, and they are not well off by any means.
Yes perhaps once he is out in Alberta by himself for a few months he will be wishing you were with him and more apt to deal with the lawyer. I do think Alberta is pretty "do-able" for relocation. At least he is not going to Vancouver, where the average house costs $1 million now! That's impossible for most people. Anyways good luck, and keep us posted!
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