I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

michellet218

Oh my God, girl!! I just read your other posts!! I would've read them before i wrote my last answer, but KP didnt post that 1st answer til after i started writing. anyway, he got a damn problem! his porn is all about YOUNG BLACK GIRLS!!! Are you f***** serious? He got a problem. seems like he would go after a young girl at his school, why do you think he's teaching?probably cuz it turns him on to go to work every morning. seems like he'll be a future sex offender if he keep this crap up. and you just letting this happen? when you said porn collection, i just thought you meant the normal white man, black woman in their late 20's early 30's. but these are little kids! you cannot let this go on! And you see it, but you ain't doing nothing about it! open those pretty eyes of yours and stand up to him and tell him about how you feel!!
And then about your partying.You obviously are not ready to commit to being married to him. you young and still wanna party! but that's very understandable, cuz you still young. that's why it will be a bad decision to marry him now.and then he's controlling! That'll be worse if ya'll get married. when you want to go out, he won't let you. he'll definitely be acting like your father. reconsider this marriage. ya'll...no YOU ain't ready to get married, especially to a control freak.All your fun days will be over once ya'll married. your friends will want to go out, but you can't, and then ya'll might break away from each other. and your husband wouldn't care because he'll really have you all to himself, then. YOU ARE NOT READY!Live your life. Damn, yall just been dating for 1year, and you're 20 yrs old. you rushin into this , seriously! You too young to end your free life. why don't ya'll continue dating for a couple more years, and then consider marriage. he rushn you into this and you shouldn't let it happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amIwrong

ok, now I am going to have to check these other posts, I am missing the boat, but it sounds serious.

amIwrong

maybe that is why he wants a young girl, some guys get into that b/c they feel they can control them easier then a women who has time to get comfortable with herself.

michellet218

I think that is soooooo tru! Chrissymarie, you really need to think about what you're getting yourself into. It may be all lovey dovey now because you're so much in love with him, but if you don't do something about it now, your future with this man will be really bad. if you don't do something about it now, you will COMPLETELY regret it later on. and everybody you know and love will be telling you "I told you so". Think in the present to fix the future.

chrissymarie

Thank you so much for this answer, I feel I want to ask him if he'd like to go to counseling before we get married but I just know he'll say no. He is set in his ways and I'mpretty sure his ways are right because he is so successful in life. I feel I should go home and tell him exactly how I'm feeling and all these issues I have but I'm worried about him calling off the engagement. How embarassing if he did. I know that sounds stupid but put yourself in my shoes. We announced our engaement at dinner last night to his and my entire family. I just want ways to fix these problems. I know counseling could be the key. How I'll conivnce we need to go without making him angry I don't know.

As for the church stuff. I grew up catholic and then switched to christianity 2 years ago and neither are my thing.

twinkiedooter

Usually a younger wife or gf or fiancee or whatever is considered a "status trophy" symbol. Right now you are having all your needs met as this is still the courting stage of your relationship. If you don't want to be controlled by him - then you don't need him to control you. You need to consider the fact that he will be the king with a capital K and you will be his willing/unwilling subject. Subject to his whims, subject to his desires, subject to his domineering attitude, etc. etc. I have one word for you - RUN!!

michellet218

Yeah, they always say no to counseling, but put your foot down this time! People don't like to change, but if they want to keep the one they love, they will sacrifice at lease one thing. Just cuz he's successful in life does NOT mean he is right or his ways are right! Look at all these successful people in this world that did something wrong in their lives! they weren't right! that doesn't even make sense his ways are right because he's successful. what???Girl wake up please!you think his ways are right because he is your man and you love him, so you're defending him, and siking yourself up, trying to be ok with it, when you know you are not.Ask yourself why?And you scared he gonna call off the engagement, and it's gonna be embarrassing? No, why don't you call off...no... postpone the engagement.Just tell him that.You tell him that before he tells you.then it won't be "embarrassing" as you say.you worried about some engagement more than your feelings, and that's not right.your feelings come 1st, and if he can't respect that, then you need to let him no!If he really loves you, he wouldn't rush his "20 yr old" girlfriend into marrying him now. And if he really loves you, he would understand that ya'll still got some kinks to work out and would push the engagement back a little. WHAT IS THE RUSH?Ask him that!! Seriously. And Who cares if you announced it to everyone @ dinner? It's not embarrassing to tell them you changed your mind for now, and is postponing it.& it's not embarrassing to tell them you changed yo mind cuz you rushing into it, either. they will understand.I have been putting myself in your situation ever since i read your post for the very first time, and ever since then, i have been thinking what i would do if i were in the situation, and also been thinking what is the right thing to.but i really think counseling would work.don't worry bout him getting mad, tell him you already are!Stop worrying about him just this once, and think about yourself this time! It's your turn to put your foot down! Stop letting him make the decisions! this is an equal relationship, so you need to put your foot down when you want to, too! And if he'll do anything for you, then he'll go to counseling for you, too.The way you talk, i can already see that you don't speak up in your relationship when something goes wrong, or when he does something wrong. Communication is a big thing to keep a relationship strong. Because you keep saying what he's gonna do if you do this or if you do that.don't worry about what he gonna do.you need to show him that you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN and it's time to listen to what YOU gotta say for a change! And if he disagrees, remind him that he is not yo daddy!From the sound of it, he tells you how high to jump And he does make all the rules, just like you said earlier. Girl i seriously can't believe you letting this bs happen. And then you said your parents love him. I don't understand. you must be keeping alot from your parents because i never heard of parents liking their daughters boyfriend that acts like this!!! 99.5% of the time, parents dispize? their daughters boyfriend if he acts like this one is acting.They must not know alot about ya'll relationship.If that's the case, they just see the good things that he's doing, and not the bad, because you're not showing them the bad stuff. Please Please Please!!! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! PUT IT DOWWWNNNNN!!!!

chrissymarie

I need to think but thank you for your help. And he's my dad's golf buddy. thats how we met. My dad basically gave me to him.

kp2171

if he calls off an engagement because he doesnt want to address these issues... doesnt that mean you shouldnt be engaged?

i mean, im all for saving face and not putting your foot in your mouth when its possible... but you announced an engagement last night for a realationship that youve wondered about leaving.

so... if hes a little grumpy, well i think its understandable from his view. if you had issues to talk about, you should have brought them up before last night... but thats over and done.

so... you can deal with reality head on or you can try to wish it all away. one way is better for making a lasting relationship. but you get a say in this. you get to choose. you can take action. and if you refuse to do that, you choose to be in this relationship as is.

so... lets pretend hes going to go to counseling. what are the things you want to accomplish? why would you be there, what would you want to see changed in yourself, and in him?

*btw... since some posts are long (like most of mine) if you respond to a post, you dont have to hit the "quote" button each time, as it strings threads out over many pages... just use peoples member names or similar... for ex, many post "kp, ...." when they want to address something i just said. just a thought to keep these threads easier to read.

chrissymarie

kp... In counseling I would hope to solve the issue of the porn to where he can admit to himself that enjoying pornography portraying young teen women is wrong and hopefully help him to not act on it in the future. Also handle his controlling personality. I'd also like him to see me as an equal and be a little more understanding when it comes to the things I want that differ from the things he wants.