I'm having doubt about getting married, but are these doubts about getting married to him enough to end an engagement with the man I believe to be my first true love?

1. I believe he has a fetish with the way I look (being black) he is white and has a porn collection which consists of only black women

2. He is 30 and I am 20. (do men really age better than women or am I doomed to be with an old prune?)

3. He wants children now, I don't want them for atleast 5 more years.

4. Am I his fiance or his child? (He pays for everything and sets all the rules)

5. Should I be worried about the fact he said he wants to mold me into the perfect woman/ wife?

6. He goes to church and pretends to be religious yet lives a sinful life with me... ( and I don't like church or religion)

Please help me make my final decision.

Inpain1

Hi Chrissy...
I hate to say this, but I think that you already know what you want to do. If you have questions about marriage...listen to those gut feelings! Take it from a 41 year old mother of four....you want to be sure about the rest of your life. I was 36 before I met my soul mate, the biggest thing that I can say about my husband is that he is my best friend. That is what it is all about...romantic loves fades, sex fades....you have to marry someone that you are willing to wash dirty socks for, and do all of those mundane things that are a part of everyday life...don't be unsure about anything....if you are unsure now, you will only multiply that feeling by millions if you marry. Good luck Sweetie...I know that it will be hard for you in some aspect, which ever way you choose. Sending you the best wishes! :-)

kp2171

concerning your counseling "wish list"...all of those things deal with issues tied to him... his "faults"...

nothing in there talks about your actions or inactions, your enabling, or your shortfalls.

concerning porn... im not going to judge him or you. as long as its legal, its his moral decision... one you need to live with, or without... but im not going to condemn him for porn of young women if its legal. after all, he is dating a young, black woman. i will agree that if its a line that you dont want crossed, it should be made known. we can go on and on about compatability and not trying to change the other person... but most people concede some things along the way to be in a long term relationship. if this is something you feel strongly about, fine. if he stands his ground, its his right. and your right to walk.

concerning his controlling nature... i understand he is successful and you see that this control is a part of his success. ok.

you get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that. i say that a lot. it means if you cannot stand up for yourself, dont expect others to do it for you. so... while you hope counseling will help him see you as an equal... how can he if you arent able to stand up for yourself? you have delegated yourself to your position and accepted this place... and along the way you decided to marry him.

an example... my wife works in a male dominated field, and is in a positon that is male dominated as well. on a recent international trip, she was the only woman present out of over 30 people. she doesnt wait for others to give her equal footing. she has to take it. demand it. stand up eye to eye and be the part.

so... maybe he can give a little on the controlling side... but dont expect him to give you anything you arent willing to take for yourself. i wonder if youve played the lesser role just because it was easier, and you didnt want to make waves... you thought conceding to his wishes was the best way to keep the peace and to keep the relationship afloat?

if thats the case, this is an issue you are going to have to work on... meaning YOU need to work on this too... not just him. its fine to see him as successful and give him some credit due to being more experienced... he probably has some wisdom you havent had to gather yet.

but if you are going to be an equal, you need to act like you deserve it.

im not trying to blame you... im trying to make you think about what you want for yourself from counseling... not just what he needs to change in your opinion.

N0help4u

Listen to your instincts. Often guys can hide and control their true nature until they have you head over heels for them. Sounds like he could very well wait until you marry him and then leave you up in bed while he watches porn all night, start controlling your every move and telling you what you can and can not think, feel, say or do.
He doesn't see you as somebody that is strong emotionally or character wise.
Him saying he wants to mold you shows that he is into you for your age and inexperience.

mustard_seed

I'm in complete agreement with everything posted here. Michellet218 is really being helpful to you. All of us are asking the same basic question: Why do you NEED to marry this man?

liz28

I read all your posts and from all of them you sound very confuse. All your posting are conerning this one guy in different topics all under to weeks. I dont think you reading every post but dont letting it sink in. It like when your parents say it going in one ear and out the other and all because he pays for everything does not means he owns you, but I think you likes he pay for everything because you let that be known in all your posts. Also it seem your family likes that as well because they might look at it as well at least he takes care of you. Anyway your going do want you want, I dont think marriage is something you want right now, at least with this guy. You should reread all the answers members how gave because their are from experience and really use their advise. And to add if he do want to see an counselor you should see one for yourself and I dont saying your crazy but its good to talk abouts your fears, dreams, love, anything and it will only make you strong.

Good luck!!

alwaystrue

Your must have work out your differences if now the agreement is about having a threesome.

sassyT

this Guy sound creepy..

talaniman

I think you can wait as you have to many issues, and doubts to be ready for an undertaking like marriage. Whats the hurry????

Jesushelper76

You need to make this decision on your own. Not any of us can answer or make the answer easier for you.

As far as liking black women, everybody has their own likes. Does not mean there is anything wrong with it.

As far as paying everything, you let him do you not. That is partly your choice as well.

As far as rules, what rules? If he is making all the rules and your listening to him your not helping the situation.

What do you mean by the fact that he goes to church and is religious but lives a sinful life with you, what exactly does that mean?

As far as wanting to mold you and change you to what he likes. This is wrong.

Yes, like others have mentioned Counseling is important here. As Tal has said what is the rush when you have so many concerns.

mimi03

This speaks volumes to me, everything you said sounds a lot like "I like him because he does .... for me" what do you actually love about him? Reading this makes me think you're in love with the way you're being taking care of by him (this can change!) and the sex (that's called lust!)...You shouldn't marry him, although you say he may be your first love I don't think you know what that means yet...this is coming from someone your own age, just wait!