My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We had some problems like all marriages, I thought but last Xmas he decided he wanted the divorce because he was not in love with me and could not leave like that anymore. He wanted freedom. He changed his mind about two months after that. He asked me for my forgiveness, he told me that everything he told me was not true. That he loved me, that could not leave without me, etc. I forgave him and everything went ok. A month ago I found a visa payment for an Adult sex website so I visit the page and I found him listed there, looking for women. I confronted him and he said that it was just a joke, he was not planning to do anything, was only for curiosity. Now he stopped doing that, as least that is what he tells me. I somehow, manage to access his email account and I think it is true as I didn't see anything. But I found out some emails which were weird. He is writing very often a friend of his (female, but I know her and I don't think that there is something going on between them) and they talk about things that I found disrespectful towards me. For example, we went for the weekend alone with the baby (we have a girl 3 years old) and we had a nice time, he even told me. In his email to her, he says it was a up weekend, he does not say why or anything. They talk to each other with words like: darling, baby, sweetie, all you can imaging and for very long hours. They talk about underwear, about his new assistant, which he just hired. She is asking him how is she and my husband is describing her as 22, single, big tits, stuff like that. They even discussed about the assistant hair. When her friend asked him what color it was his answer was: Up or down? Up is brown the way I like, as for the down, don’t know yet.
When I ask him if he is happy with me, he tells me yes, but is he really? Which game is he playing? I don’t know what to do or what to think. I cannot talk to him about this conversation because he will know that I went into his emails. Today I have just found out that I am pregnant. What am I going to do now? Should I worry about my husband behavior?

fredg

Hi,
I am so sorry to read this, and I will tell you that the part about being pregnant couldn't have happened at a worse time....but, you can overcome it.
Usually, 7 yrs is the test of whether a marriage is going to make it. Over half of all marriages in the US end in divorce now. I was divorced after 7 yrs, met a wonderful lady, went with her for two years, and remarried. My wife and I have had a wonderful 28 yrs together so far, and have no intention of ever leaving each other....until the Lord decides to take one of us.
Your husband was "serious" when he used a credit card to pay for using a porn website. That is not something someone usually does, just for a joke, or out of curiosity.
Also, you were separated at one time, and he talked you into taking him back.
This is the "second warning" of bad times, and worse times to come.
Don't keeping making the same mistakes with this man. See a lawyer, have legal separation papers drawn up, with child support.
If you stay married to this man, the chances of being happy with him, and with a baby, seem very slim. Do you really think a man like this will be a good father?? I don't think so, but that's my opinion, and I'm sure there will be others to offer theirs, with more help.
I do wish you the best,
fredg

ConfusedWife

Thanks for the reply. I would have loved better to hear that it is ok, that I should not worry and that everything will be fine but I guess I have to listen to the truth.

Should I confront him about the emails with his friend? Or it is not worth the trouble? I don't know how to explain this but I really think (sometimes) that he loves me. On the other hand sometimes I feel he avoids me. Sometimes I think that I am getting paranoid and maybe I am taking things out of proportion.

After the thing with the divorce, I told him to take things slowly and see if we could work things out. I took time to think and after several months I started trusting him again. Now, I lost it again. When I talked to him about this porn website and his lies about it, he told me that is because of me. That I don't give him any space, that I am trying to control him, checking what he does, etc. I do admit this is true but it is because I do not trust him completely.

After I told myself that I was stupid and I should trust him and give him space, I thought all this was my fault. But then I found the emails, am I stupid? I will really like to confront him again so I can hear his explanation. At the same time, I am sure that he will say that I misunderstood the whole conversation and will blame everything on me from checking on him. It is so difficult!! BTW, I haven't told him that I am pregnant, not yet. I am so confused!!

fredg

Hi,
Have you considered talking with a Professional? such as a Marriage Counselor? I doubt if you husband will go with you, but you can get some professional advice, which I can't give you; except from my own experiences.
I think you are right about the email stuff. If you tell him, he will either deny it, say it's just "playing around", or come down on you hard to invading his privacy. Either way, you probably will not accomplish anything.
Please talk with a marriage counselor, and get some good advice.
Personally, again, I think you made a mistake taking him back. Now, it's time to move on. If he will not go to marriage counseling with you, that will definitely mean it's time to move on.
Best of luck,
fredg